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Will You Into My Will (chapter-67)

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‘Hey. What happened?’ I speak,  once i stood next to Brandon.

He looks at me, then away to the ground.  Muddled.

Still lost.

His eyes lids are half pulled down, pupils  contracted, reflecting light dimly with only dusky hue of lime  on the background. His lashes are clumped together  on lower margins and there are  blotchy stains marked against his light skin where he must have rubbed his hand.

‘Brandon’ i call  again.  This time squeezing his arm.

‘Don’t’. Brandon pulls away from me. ‘Don’t’.  He repeats.

I freeze. Did i expect this? Did i not know it coming?

I know’ he says.   ‘I know’.

I stand still.  He picks up his gaze and fixes them pointedly to my eyes. ‘How long were you planning to not tell me?’ 

His tone. It wasn’t loud, he was not shouting. Brandon is loud when he is angry. I have seen  him be angry. A number of times with James. He can shout. But, he wasn’t loud with me.

He was restraining it. His voice was resonating with rage. Tightly sealed on his lips.

I turn away from him. I could not answer this.

‘Turn around’. 

Brandon speaks again. More assertive this time.  Against his clenched teeth.

 

‘Carem, turn around!!’.  He snaps with anger when i don’t respond.

I jump with fright at a safe distance away from him. This wasn’t him. Brandon wasn’t Will.

‘You slutty bitch. Do you now how much it hurts?’.

He breaks in tears now.

Still unsure of how i should be behaving, I stare at him, at odd display of his emotions. I am still on denial that truth had come out.  That Brandon knows. My mind is still processing.

‘How would you know? You are heartless’. 

‘And i thought, things could change…’.

 

He laughs then. On his own. Wipes his eyes roughly with his palms and sits down on the ground.

Extending his legs and stretching his elbows on back for support, he questions, looking up and at me,  ‘Is he that good?’

‘Come on. i am listening Carem. You need to give some answers’.  

I still don’t reply. What am i supposed to say?

‘Carem. Answers’ he insists.

‘I am in love with him’. I reply, in faintest voice i could produce.

‘Love. Did you say love?’. Brandon repeats, in a louder tone.  He chuckles unpleasantly with a half drawn smile at the idea of it, then hisses, ‘Don’t joke with me’.

‘That’s the truth’. I reply.

‘Its not the truth.’ He strongly disagrees.

‘He is twice the age as you. He is married, unfaithful and using you for sex. Don’t tell me your standards are so low that you are in love with a man of that category’. 

‘He is not married’. 

‘Carem!’ He gets up abruptly from  where he was sitting and walks towards me.

‘You had sex with him. It was good. You think its love.’

He affirms it again, pressing his both hands against  both my arms. ‘It was good and you think its love’. 

‘Its not about sex Brandon! I love him! I loved him way before i started seeing you!’ I scream now, pushing his hands away. He had crossed the limits. Nobody tells me, my love is adulterated. Not even him.

‘Have sex with me. And i will show you a good time’. Brandon steps in still, forcefully kissing me.

What are you doing?’. I push him back.

‘He is a wrong man.’ He replies, wiping his lips. ‘I thought you had come back to me this time for real’. 

I am sorry..’ I stammer, realising i had hurt him.

‘Don’t move’. He holds up the arm half way between us on air, straightening the palm  up.

Stop. Carem. No more. ‘

He crouches down on the ground, pulling his head in between elbows, resting on his knees then. ‘James had seen you with that guy. He told me, he didn’t trust you’. 

‘I saw you two kissing. I know, where you disappeared for 12 days’. 

‘You thought i didn’t know… I knew everything even before Mia told me’. 

But i love you..’ he sobs, pulling tight his hair.  ‘I thought you’d be through him. I hoped you’d be. And we could fall in love over again. 

 

 

I slump down.  How foolish is Brandon to be in love with me? A girl like me? A cheat. A liar. How could he let me tag him along? Why would he do that to himself? 

‘I am sorry Brandon.’

My throat lumps with pain as i say that. ‘I know Will is a wrong man. He is unfaithful. Selfish. Mean and fickle. But i can’t help it. I love him. So much. Do You know how that feels?’.  I begin to wail. I was never  getting over this overpowering feeling of control he  had on me.

‘It hurts.’ He replies gazing at me. ‘You are unfaithful, selfish, mean and fickle. But i can’t help it.’

We sit there, two fools, sobbing peering at each other  at an arm distance.

Love was fickle.  At least for us.

The light of his eyes grew dimmer as i watched him. If there was a switch off button to feelings, i could use, i wouldn’t  have thought twice to do that for him. But i cannot. 

All i can do is pray. To pray for Brandon to find love. A true love. If there was any. Even if it meant giving my share. And so much happiness, that his emerald pair of eyes always glowed brighter than these stars that are staring at us now, from a world so far away, where perhaps every one are happy and have their perfect-forever-together. 

 

 

 

 

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Will You Into My Will (Chapter 73)

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Why am i feeling this way? I can’t say. In my right mind, i would have thrown fits. Either begged him to rethink his choices or made him regret his decisions. Black or white. I was victim or i was the perpetrator. But here i was none.

May be it is pregnancy.. The process of changes i am going through. Hormones fiddling with my mind. This lucidness i feel is alarming  but exhilarating. The clarity of details from where i stand is impeccable.  I know exactly where and when i went wrong and  how this can be undone.

I head straight home after that. ‘I want an abortion!’ I speak my mind out as soon as i open the door. ‘What?’ Brandon pops his head from the kitchen to my dismay.

‘Ah…’

‘Yes. You heard right. I am pregnant and i want an abortion’.  I reply, collecting my coolness  after a while, rolling my eyes over  at Mia, who stood next to  him nervously.

‘What is he doing here?‘ i ask, once she follows me inside the room shutting  the door.

‘He just dropped by. Said he wanted to put things on past and be friends again. I swear i haven’t told him anything. ‘

‘Doesn’t matter’. I shrug off my disappointment.  ‘He might as well see how pathetic i am’.

‘So he didn’t want it?’

‘No’. I start opening my drawers, collecting all the scattered changes of money i could find. ‘Can you lend me some more  Mia?’ I ask, counting what i had in the purse.

‘Ah..That is another reason Brandon is here. I was about to ask him to lend me some for you for personal reasons’.

Psstt… That was the last thing i wanted to hear. I exhale sharply.  ‘No. Not Brandon’s money’.

‘But…’

‘I can’t. Its Brandon Mia’. I decline.

”Don’t be stupid!Take it. What if its my money? Money is still money. ‘ The eavesdropper barges in with his outstretched hand, holding roll of red fifties  i desperately need.

‘Is there no such thing as privacy with you ?’  Annoyed at his trespassing habit, i scream. Hasn’t Brandon seen enough that i need his money too for this?

‘Oh please..’

‘This is my room. How dare you come in like that??’

‘You know what..you deserve this.’  He storms out of the room.

Mia stands quietly as we brawl. Once he leaves, she mumbles ‘He is only trying to help Carem..’

‘No, he is not. He wants to see me suffer.’

‘No. He doesn’t. Don’t be like that..’

‘Don’t be what? Just leave me alone Mia’.

‘ But.. You aren’t feeling right..’

‘Just leave!!”. My frustration bursts out. As usual, i push  away, yet again, my only friend.

 

I don’t know what got me after. I screamed and screamed my lungs out. Ripped my bed sheets into shreds, tore my pillows to pieces, smashed the lamp into floor and hit the mugs on the wall. My rage was getting out of hand. Nothing was calming me down. Just like that, my clarity was gone. Pain, denial, confusion then that eerie feeling of  being anesthetized crawled.

 

 

‘Carem. Carem’. Brian wakes me up in the middle of night. ‘Come on get back to bed’.

‘Brandy..‘ I blabber sleepily. ‘Go away.. Let me be’.

‘But its cold here. Come on, i will help you’.  He insists.

I lift my head lazily and let him help. Once put into bed, he brushes my hair lightly away from my forehead, tucks  the roll under my pillow where i can see it and says, ‘ i want you to take the money’.

‘And abort the baby?’

‘Yes’..

I gaze at  him  closely as i question. Brandon’s eyes are pristine. If there was one thing i trusted most in the world, it was those pair of his beautiful hypnotic green eyes.  There were no lies, sins or wrong intentions in them. No traps, treachery nor hate. Just  sincere affection, feelings and compassion.

But when he answered  ‘Yes’, they  flickered to duskier lime . I could see, he didn’t approve of the idea  itself. But was forcing himself to agree to it.

‘How do you feel about abortion Brandon?‘ I had to ask. Not that his opinion really mattered but i had to.

Just as expected he remains still. Silence is  a big answer.

I sigh disheartened. ‘Thou shall not procure abortion, nor commit infanticide. I am a monster. Amn’t i?’ Unable to face him any longer, i dig my head into the pillow, muffling the sound of my sobs.

‘Carem its not time to think who thinks what about it. If i thought you were wrong. I wouldn’t be here. Just get some rest. Its a long day tomorrow’. He tries to pacify me. But I continue to sob.

‘You know Brandon. The day i found out i was pregnant. I was so scared. The idea of  a blob of cells growing inside my body becoming  a living thing… Feels like  a parasite. Like one of those freaky  alien movies..’

I hold my belly sitting up. I wanted to talk. I wanted someone to listen to what i had to say today.  I wanted Brandon to hear me out.

‘I didn’t know you felt so strongly about babies like that’. Brandon strokes my hair, bringing closer his face, concerned. ‘May be because we never talked about it’.

‘I didn’t use to. I thought, i would have  a dozen of his babies. And whenever where ever we wanted. We’d have it. But those were ideas.  I was in love with the idea of him being with me. .. Reality is of course different. ‘

He nods his head sadly. And  gently squeezes my hand.

‘I am constantly changing my mind. I don’t know if its me or my pregnancy. A moment ago, i knew exactly what i wanted.  And now….’ I hold my belly again, rubbing  gently  from side to side.

‘Don’t  get too attached to it’. Removing my fingers, Brandon  interrupts me quickly. ‘It is still only a mass of cells.  You are 11 weeks. It takes minimum 34 weeks for it to completely grow into human and survive on its own.’

‘But its got a heart beat. I listened to it. And its got tiny little hands and ….’ I stop myself  and close my eyes. My breathing becomes more raspy  as i recall again the agony  i felt when its heartbeat was escalating.  ‘I am about to steal its life even before its born. Its a sin. I am a murderer’ 

‘Sshhhh’ . He strokes my hair again and pats my head gently sitting up at level of my eye. It always works. His gentle hands against my head  to calm me down.  ‘There is no sin or salvation here. Carem its you. You got to think about yourself.’

‘But how can i do this?’

‘You can.’ He answers.  ‘You will be letting it go free and yourself that way’.

As much as clouded i feel, his reply did surprise me. May be this was what i wanted to hear. I wipe my eyes , turn my head to look at him  for expecting  more explanation.

‘You are young Carem. You have aim/ambitions. you have so much to live. There are so many things you want to do. But with baby in the way..i know its still possible. But, things will change.’

‘All of your decisions. And when i say all, yes all of those will change. Where you want to live/eat/sleep/go, what you want to do/invest or make your life of . And before you know it, it would be too late. Trying to be a responsible mother, whole of your life, somewhere along the line, you will lose track of Carem.  And one day you will wake up so frustrated and depressed. Not because you weren’t an awesum mom  because you don’t know who you are anymore. And that Carem  is a dangerous thing. You will then start venting all your bitterness on only person you know who  wouldn’t leave you and can’t harm you. But for how long? ‘

‘Stop it..’ I whisper, picturing vividly all his words on my head.

But Brandon doesn’t.

‘And its a pity. All you have to go through. Because  you didn’t even want him on first place. You will remember how  scared you felt when you first found out, you were pregnant with him.  How on all those fantasies of children and family you dreamed, he didn’t fit in.  He wasn’t meant to be here..you’d say, guiltily, probably angry too. But what could you do Carem? He is your responsibility now.  You’d have to live watching him, that face of a person who betrayed you, used you and left you everyday..on minimum for 18 years…  What would you do?

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will( Chapter 72)

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I met him.

There wasn’t even a slightest tinge of happiness i could sense on him to see me. As usual, he looked displeased. From a meter away, his aura evaded my space.

It broke my heart a little. Sometimes i wonder, how many times do i have to break till there is nothing to strike any more. I keep falling down. And it bloody hurts.

‘What the hell Carem! What the fuck are you doing calling Ressica like that??’

His breath hits my face.  His eyes are bloodshot.

My instinct warns me to flee his sight. Right then and there. But  clinching to Mia’s words ‘No running away. Hearts and cards at table’, i stay put.

‘I did what i should have done a long time ago’.

‘How dare you????’

It happened so swiftly. Next thing i know, I am frozen in mid air, stooping low with him towering over me. His hands are up on the  air and my arms are crossed over my head.  I have known fear. Many kinds. But never this close.

Will looks at me strangely. Appalled. As i stare at him horrified. He takes a step back shaking his head. And, another step again. This time with his hands open and palms up.

‘I am s..orry.’ He stammers. ‘I didn’t mean to..’

I stay shook.  He had many faces. How many of those have i seen, i do not know.

‘I am pregnant’ I blurt out. It sounded stupid, taunting him to throttle me like that. But i had to. I have waited long enough to know there is no right moment for me with him.

‘How can you be?’

‘Because you had unprotected sex with me!’.  I can’t believe he would ask me questions like that.

‘You were on pills!’

‘5 weeks Will. It had been 5 weeks you hadn’t met me. Or given me a proper call. And you were thinking i would keep being on pills?’

‘You should have told me’.

 ‘You came  knocking at my door after 5 weeks just for sex.‘ I remind him bitterly. ‘ You don’t want me to stay. You don’t let me go away. What the fuck do you want from me??’

‘Be less dramatic. More honest. And easier to figure out. And definitely not a cheat’.

Your play doll then. That is what you want me to be…’

I start to sob .

His cheap, heartless remarks never cease to amuse me. At this moment again,  I loathe myself for not being able to stand up for myself,  to have a little dignity  and to walk out of this black hole.

‘You are doing this for attention. Aren’t you? And what the hell is this you being 17? Why is Mia involved? What the hell is going on? I want answers!! ‘.

He is getting louder.

Soon we will be screaming at each other at top of our lungs, like two deaf people, trying in vain to make the other listen.  Not making any conversations. Failing miserably to communicate. Walking out on US because our ego is too high for few seconds of patience.

‘I am really pregnant Will’. I murmur. Hopeless, my words fading  even before i begin.

‘Bullshit!’  He flusters with annoyance.

‘I am not lying. I am not. I promise on everything i believe, its true. Mia just wanted to let you know. But Ressica picked up the phone… Please trust me. ‘ I beg.

Who the hell is Mia then to decide what things she must tell and not tell to Ressica? How dare she?’

‘Will! Are you not listening to me?! I am pregnant!!’. 

The words exploded out so loud that a passerby jogger stopped to look at me in terror.  The look he gave me, when he realized what i meant was sheer pity.

True. Who the hell gets pregnant at my age?’

Will sits back to think about what i said for a moment. Regaining his composure  he then approaches me gently. Hesitates a little before he begins, unsure if he should be saying so but begins anyways.  ”I am getting married Carem. Ressica and I. And I don’t want to ruin this. Please don’t do this.’ 

I feel dizzy.

I hadn’t noticed that white bench where Will sat now ever since i got here. Hadn’t noticed it was  a sunny day with no clouds today. Hadn’t heard the laughs of children playing run-catch with their mom. Hadn’t noticed the boys on pompadour haircuts out with their drones.

‘Are you listening to me?’

‘Yes’ i reply slowly, looking at the girls with their skin tight shorts basking in the sun. ‘Getting married to Ressica..’

‘Congratulations’.  My words are automatic. I don’t know any words better than this. It felt like DEJA-VU. A  voice in my head whispers ‘I knew this. I told you where your character in this story would end. You are only a part of plot, a collateral damage.  Lost for ‘a happy ending’ . Their happy ending.’  It laughs coldly. ‘I told you so..‘ It chortles. Re-repeating its words again.

I did knew this. I  just didn’t knew, hearing those words from Will would make it more worse.

Do you ever  wonder if our minds  perceives emotional pain any different from physical pain?

With any kinds of pain, our intuition is to avoid the stimuli. Pin Pricks. Avoid the Pin. Will hurts. Why couldn’t i avoid Will then? Where was this feeling coming from? Fingers? I could tape it, numb with injection. But what could i have done to avoid something i didn’t know where it was attacking from? What could i have possibly done?

I feel my body leave as i think in my head what he just said.  Away and lighter, higher and higher from me, i start to float till i am watching down, at myself, staring vacantly at a world full of laughter with words that wouldn’t come out of my mouth and  tears that wouldn’t dry.

This  girl… I feel so sorry for her. She is so hurt. She has so much to say but its flooding, where would she begin.

‘I could never trust you. I never felt secure with you’. I hear myself speak. ‘I love you so much. But there is this void in me, you can’t fill. Its strange because before you  i never felt that way…’

He looks at me. I struggle to find more words again. And that was it. All that i could speak to try to win him back. Those pair of hollow charcoal eyes had swallowed all my  alphabets and vowels.

‘Ressica. I trust her. She makes me feel secure. She needs me. And she makes me happy.’ He stands up, as i pull my eyes away from his.

He had made up his mind.

‘Sometimes i wonder  if you do know what you want from me?’ Those were his  goodbye words.

I remain there watching him leave. On the same chair, where i waited for him for our first unofficial date. I was nervous then. I was excited. It was innocent. My sentiments.  I had so much to give.

He stopped half way. Like, someone woke him up  from sleep walking. Perhaps by habit, to watch me throw my tantrums or begging him to stop. But, today there was none. I leaned back further and continued to watch go. The world never felt so real before this.  The drizzles of rain never tasted so salty. Those abandoning footsteps never sounded so clearer. And, in bizarre unexplained  ways, I never felt so much at peace for  a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 71)

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‘Which is the baby?’ Mia asks wearily observing the sonogram monitor placed next to me.

‘This one.’ Equally unenthusiastic my doctor  points at  the screen , firmly pressing on my lower abdomen with a probe.

‘Ah.’ I wince. She is indifferent to me. Again.

‘That is very small’. Almost like a whisper, Mia blurts.

‘Yeah..  ‘ My voice trails away, as i look. Shaken by my confrontation with a stranger inside me for the first time.

Tiny hands. Tiny feet. Big head. Its an alien. Nothing about it says, it’s a part of me or Will or any human on this planet.

And it looked awfully at  ease to be a foreigner, squeezed inside my womb. ‘How dare  you?’I start to sniffle .  ‘For putting me through all these…’

160. 170.182. Its heart beat escalates. It heard me. It sensed me. It felt unwanted.  And somehow, i knew it.

‘What happened? What the hell are you doing? ‘ I panic now, screaming at the doctor, who till this minute, was  completely oblivious to me.

‘Relax. Its settling down’.  She replies coldly. ‘Are you changing your mind?’

I stare at her. For  one whole minute. Saying nothing.

‘I will leave you for a while then to decide what you want.’ She wipes the jelly of my skin quickly without waiting for me to make up my mind, shuts the machine down  and leaves the room for  the two of us .

‘Carem. What are you doing?’ I hear Mia call.

‘I don’t know. But i don’t want to do this now’.

There is a baby in me. My baby. I  had dreams. Fantasies. Stories. Every words, every images  were written and  saved on my head. It was perfect. We had a house. We had  a family. And every Sunday we sat down on a balcony for a morning tea and watched our children play in a big front yard, where dogs were chasing cats, cats were after birds and birds, birds sat chirping smirking at four legs on the  branches of the big tree that they have made their  home on. The one, which  we would  decorate with lights on Christmas every December. It was perfect.

Sure, lot of things change. Had changed. Will change. Like realizing, things don’t always happen the way you want them to be. That one day, the idea of bearing child for the man you love would freak you out. But dreams are dreams. Once they nestle  into your mind, they are hard to give up.

‘Mia. I have to see Will’.

Mia stares at me with surprise. ‘What are you planning to do?’

‘Tell him, that i am pregnant’. I reply casually,  throwing off my gown and dressing up. ‘Come on. We got to catch the train back today.’

‘Do you know how you sound like right now? CRAZY!! All on  capital letters’ She  tries to stop me, taking hold of my backpack.  ‘He is never going to be on it. Don’t do this. Please..’

I can read on Mia’s eyes, how impossible it is for me to grab hold of a writer’s  pen and change my faith now.  Insane. Demented. Lunatic. I have been called all those.  I have been through it. I will go through it on repeat again. And again. And again even if i have to for hundredth  more time.

Because, it doesn’t stop. You see. The compulsion. Even if you want it to.

Someday, you will meet that person. Whose first glance will sweep you off your feet. But at the same time, leave you so hollow that nothing else will fill that void. That was Will. For me.

Mia is right. I should abandon my hope for slightest possibility of things working out between us, just because  we have a baby in picture now.  I don’t doubt, for some one who is as disloyal as he is, with my own stories of lies to unfold, he would find an easy  getaway. But, this is a chance i have to take. For me, and for a piece of me that is fighting to survive. A part of my heart still believes, a fraction of him, loves me. Perhaps, i am crazy. But, if i don’t confront him, i will never know.

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 70)

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2 pink strips. 2 blue strips. Third in a row.

I am pregnant.

I don’t know how i feel about this.

I fled from Aunt Marish’s place as  fast as i can.

I am shocked.

I can’t explain this. I had been very careful. I had taken my pills everyday.

‘Unless..‘. The thought of that night again, makes me feel sick.

 

‘No..No..’ I  panic, crawling down to the ground.  My skin shivers, flat against the cold tiles, where i had spent that night  alone. Sick and  disgusted  at what i had done to myself.

‘What do i do? This is not happening to me. This is not happening to me. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for this’.

I start hyperventilating. Feeling more breathless, as i do so. Utterly scared at the thought of something growing inside me.

I gasp for  air. More and more.  Till my lips start feeling  numb and my fingertips starts tingling.

At what point did i doze off then i don’t know.

‘Fuck! I am screwed’.

That awful taste of bile again wakes me up. I start to retch.  My muscles propel violently against my closed glottis.  Producing nothing.

‘If only i had taken the damn pregnancy test earlier…’

————————————————————————————–

‘Mia. Mia. Wake up. Please wake up. ‘

I  shake Mia grabbing on her  shoulders in early hours of morning. Needless to say, this drove her even more angry. ‘What do you need?’

‘Please Mia’ I start to sob as I try to explain her my situation. Unable to bring out any words, I  hold the kit in front of her.

Blue strips in a row.  She didn’t miss it.

‘You are er .. preg..nant??’ Her eyes widen with disbelief.

I nod, tucking hair away from my wet skin, trying to face her.

‘Preg..nant??’  She repeats again, her forehead creased, eyes pointed at me.

Yes. Mia. I am pregnant!’ I burst out.  ‘How hard is it for you to get that?’

‘Do you know what the fuck you are saying then? You are in a high school!! How can you get pregnant?’

‘I know. I know. Okay. And I don’t know what to do? ‘. I cover my face again, wiping my tears, sniffling, sitting down on the floor. ‘I don’t know how this happened. Its not like I planned it. I don’t want this. I am scared’. 

…………………………………

‘Here. At least drink something. Starving yourself won’t solve your problems away’. Mia sits down next to me with a cup of hot chocolate, once i seem to manage my emotional outbursts.

‘How do you think this happened?’ She asks.

‘Emergency pills’.  I reply sipping from my cup.

‘That’s odd. I have taken many of those before. Did you vomit it out or something?’

‘Yes’. I take another sip, absent minded.

‘Please tell me, you took another one  again after you did.’

‘No.’

‘You should have when you vomited’.

‘ I know’. 

‘Hmm. Have you thought about what to do with it? It will keep growing’

‘No’.

‘Does Will know? Are you planning to tell him?’

‘No. I don’t know’.

‘Carem!!’ Mia  grabs me by my hands suddenly and shrugs me hard as i did her before.  ‘Snap out of it!!’ She shouts. 

‘You are pregnant! It will keep growing till it pops out. So, you need to decide now what you need to do! Snap out of it! Look at me!’

I stare at Mia. I am muddled.

‘I don’t know Mia’. I whisper. ‘Will won’t want it. My parents won’t want it. And I am too young to be a  Mom.’ 

‘Then, we both know what to do’.

 

3 days later, I am with Mia, driving to some rural area in Bledlow. We make minimum effort to talk to locals, who pass us by with warm smiles, stopping now and then, only to make sure we were heading on right direction. In the evening, we finally reach  the address that had been given to us on private.  When we do, both of us stare with surprise, at what we see.

I was there for abortion. It was illegal. So,  in my mind, I had imagined a  place that was probably abandoned with minimum people around, cold walls and floors. But, what i was seeing was a two storied house located at top of hill with acres of free land around,  with white walls and a bright red roof. White sheets  stretched in clothes line  waving in the wind and  children running and screaming around. It was nothing like I imagined.

Are we on right address?’ I ask Mia skeptically.

‘I hope so’. She tightly squeezes my hand.

——————————————————————

I am 10+ weeks pregnant now. I suffer from terrible morning sickness. Had I not been so dumb, I would have realized earlier that my breast have swollen a lot. I am peeing more frequently like a horse. And in next 2 weeks I will have a baby bump. My sickness will only get worse and I will start missing on classes. I will only grow bigger till like Mia said, it pops out of me.. And people will know. My parents will know. And they will blame themselves for my upbringing. Their friends will shame them on name of religion. Tag us as social outcast. And,  one day my dad will stop trying to fit in  and accept that I let him down.

Mia has been to private clinics. ‘The legal procedures are  long. With all that involves, someone is bound to know. ‘ She says.

I am adamant that no one should know. I understand, taking other routes can be risky, but I am willing to. The medications are not going to work on me. ‘You are past 10 weeks. It may be an incomplete.’ My doctor explains. ‘I need to examine you. Most likely we will need to follow surgical route’. 

‘Does the father know?’ She asks the same question Mia did, placing her hands softly on my abdomen. ‘Its my body. No one needs to know’  I reply bluntly, pulling my eyes away from her.

I am scared of sharps and needles.

I had always been scared. Strangely, today even when  I am lying  here on examining table in a room full of  instruments and equipment, I am more afraid of this thing growing inside me than I am of anything. Had it been on other circumstances, at other time, would I have felt differently?I am not sure if i will ever know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 69)

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There is that sound again, in a tempo, almost like a  clock work, beating against his chest. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Its compelling. Like a shamanic music resonating against my ears to my mind, calming me down.

And there is that touch again, filled with need to  possess me, own me in a compassion that blinds my cautious soul. Sensitive, my skin traces his hands to the pulp of his pressure points, his fingers digging in my flesh against his palms, as he burrows himself in me  and moans.

‘Carem, Carem’. Rose wakes me up, slapping her chubby hands on my face. ‘Momma. Momma’.  She points curling her stubby fingers and pointing towards the door. I rub my eyes, sitting up. ‘What was i doing, having wet dreams on board day light, on a kitchen garden next to 1yr old kid?.  I am utterly ashamed.

These are the times, I am really angry.  Him entering my mind without control.  At myself for allowing it  to happen and on him, for screwing my life up.

‘She is a little gangster’. Aunt Marish chuckles, handing me a glass of juice and  picking up Rose on her arms. ‘Yeah she is. She probably would have left me with panda eyes if i hadn’t woke up’.

‘Bad girl. Why did you hit Auntie? ‘. She asks, pointing her forefinger on her little daughter, appearing stern. ‘Ah hah’ Rose squeals in pure pleasure, hiding her face away from us, overjoyed at being centre of attention.

Someone coughs. Across the fence. Again. And again distressingly, with more bouts of poor effort  in a row. I stand up to look over.

‘Ah poor Ross’ Aunt Marish sighs. ‘Why don’t you go over and say hello Carem. He will be very glad to see you’.

I stare over pityingly to  the man. In his 60’s,  slumped on a wooden chair, with a thin rubber tube running across his nostrils connected to a small portable oxygen cylinder, Ross’ did not look at all like a man i used to know. He was tall, not athletic built as such but quite a fit man. Always vibrant, full of energy and life. But now, it looked to me as though, life has been sucked out of him and all that has been left behind, is an empty case of emaciating muscles, shallow eyes and hollow bones.

‘Hello Ross’ I prod him gently on his shoulder.

‘What?’ Ross flinches scared , suddenly awake from his sleep. His expression horrified seeing a stranger stand upfront on his house.

‘Its Carem. Marish’s cousin’. I reply, trying to calm him down. ‘Carem. Remember me?’

‘Oh. Oh Carem’. He narrows his brows, looking intently at me, his hand pulled across his face, fingers drawn together on his lips, trying to think. His eyelids twitching now and then, still sedated with lorazepam, a file of which is thrown aside.

His eyes lightens up, when he remembers. ‘Oh Carem’. He exclaims with a  delightful smile.

‘Look at you. You are a woman now.. How long has it been?’

‘3 years’. I reply.

‘That long huh?’.  He makes a sad expression. ‘Ever since i have been like this, i cannot travel you see.  How are your parents?’

Good’.

I raise my voice to a   louder tone,  almost like shouting in  single word answers. He adjusts his hearing aid and nods.

‘Do you still have the budgie at home?’ I ask.

‘Yes.’

‘Aunt Marish says to me, you are allergic to budgies. So its not good for your health’. 

‘We tested it. It does not have any disease’ He answers calmly. ‘Tell Marish not to worry’. 

Of course the budgie does not have any disease. You have the disease because you are allergic to it’. I try to explain.

Ross has Hypersensitivity Pneumonitis. My aunt is a nurse at the district hospital, where these past three months alone he had been admitted twice, with severe worsening of his condition. This was because he was allergic to birds feathers or droppings. They had done some test on him, with avian para proteins that was positive. It has been four years years since the diagnosis now and in that time, Mrs Jones and Ross has had 3 sessions of one hour counselling with three different consultants. But the damn Budgie still prevails!!

‘Its either your husband or the your budgie. Thats what the consultant told her’. Aunt Marish confided to me that morning frowning. ‘She really doesn’t care about Ross’. 

I saw a moment of sadness cloud in his eyes. ‘It talks you see’. 

‘And it calls everyone by name. Its actually very smart. But it calls me stupid’. 

Doctors  think Ross doesn’t understand what is going on. Same does aunt Marish. They don’t think he knows, how dangerous it is to be in this house, with a bird in a vicinity and to be in the same bed with a wife who is constantly exposed to it. But i think, Ross exactly knows the situation. He knows this will cost him his life.

‘Are you okay? ‘ Aunt Marish squeezes my hand when she sees me playing with the remote, switching on channels to channels constantly.

‘Oh i’m sorry’. I apologise. ‘Its just that i can’t help thinking about Ross. He is really very unwell. Is there nothing anyone can do to help?’

‘I know hon. It is  frustrating to know all this. And we have raised safe guarding concerns. But thats the best we can do for now.’

‘Then why is nothing happening?’

‘It takes time. ‘ Aunt Marish tries to calm me down. ‘Beside Ross not doing anything about it, not understanding the main problem isn’t helping’.

‘But he is not on his right mind Aunt Marish. He knows Mrs Jones would rather choose the budgie over him, but he is on denial. He needs mental health team, psychiatrists whatever anyone who can help him to see him’

‘Carem. Carem. Look at me dear.’ ‘Take a long breath.’ ‘Yes. Take a long breath’. 

I inhale. Then exhale a long breath of air, deflating all that i could from my chest in one go.

‘Its his choice’. Aunt Marish continues.  ‘Its his life. Whether he is prepared to be smart or fool about it, in the end we cannot control his decisions’.  

‘Yes he could be on denial. Many times, people are comfortable avoiding truth. Especially in relations like this, where a partner is emotionally abusive. Manipulative. They cannot see their way out. Everything that happens. They are willing to face. What may seem like a obvious easy way out for us, may not be for them. We are not in that box. He needs to come out of it. It will be a struggle. And if he can’t make it….’

‘lets just hope the budgie doesn’t live a year more. That shit is fucking 9 years old!’. 

I gape my mouth open.

Its not often i hear Aunt Marish swear. Especially in front of her 1 and half year old daughter, who is just learning to pick up the words.

‘You did not hear what i said’. She plugs both ears of her daughter and looks at me, smiling halfheartedly.

 

Is it that love is blind? Or is it our ignorance for truth that is blind? What makes us love anyone more than us and what makes us hate them to their death grave? Why do not people have a fair share of what they deserve? Why is the balance so unjustly tilted? Is it really love that is blind or our ignorance? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 68)

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I cannot bear Brandon ignoring me on the school. Passing on the hallways without meeting my eyes, skipping on lunches just to avoid me and now, even on our favourite  sub when we always pair up together he is sitting 10 desks away from me.

I am on the first bench.

It is impossible for me to get his glimpse, without Mr Smith noticing me turn around my head 180 degree back and  him croaking ‘Carem!!!’ on his peculiar high pitch  voice. Freddy Kreuger was a lesser threat.   Bulging eyes on thin contoured cheeks,  long crooked fingers, add to that his nasty temper; it was everyones nightmare come to life.

We are reading ‘ Theory of Evolution by Natural selection’ today. ‘Charles Darwin’ is peeping on me from my book. Beside him are some picture of strange looking birds. ‘Finches’ Mr Smith says.  ‘Observing these birds, their beak sizes and food habit, Darwin was later able to postulate natural selection  theory. ‘

‘Interesting.’

‘How bored and lonesome must he be to have noticed  the size of a beak on birds like that? And devising his own theory??  The number of hours he must have spent looking at them?’

Thats what i am thinking. Aunt Marish says,  i have unusual  way of perceiving information.  That my thought process is fascinating. I just wonder, if she too thinks i am a deviant. May be that is  what she means, when she says she worries about me.  That one day i will go haywire. I wouldn’t be surprised myself.

‘Pay attention Maxton!’. Mr Smith croaks again on the background. I ignore him.

This funny looking old man, a gardener, with strange fetish for birds and plants.  Weirdo became a genius. Great! End of story! When does this get over.’ I yawn looking at the clock.

‘He stated that it is not the strongest species or the most intelligent species that survives but the one that adapts most’. Mr Smith continues.

‘Adaptation means change in behaviour/ physiology and structure of organism to become more suited to environment’.

‘Example Brandon. Changing his behaviour- acting like i don’t exist,  physiology- went from needy to don’t need you’ on just 2 days and structure- sinking down the chair so that i don’t see him.’  I frown on my own.

‘These traits that help them to survive will be preserved over long run on their species simply because they will breed more. That is natural selection’. 

‘Over many generation  the process of selection then will create a entire new genera of species from original ancestors. Like gibbon, apes and chimps to humans. ‘

I have had enough.

As soon  the school was done, i was packing my bag to leave for Cornwall. In the world with rule of ‘Survival of the fittest’, where people adapt so well like chameleons i had no place.

I felt alone.


 

 

Seeing Aunt Marish after so long brought some joy back to my heart.

Despite our age differences, we were like best friends. We shared everything from  pep talks to serious deep conversations.

‘You are  alike’. Mom always commented when she saw us together. And for some strange reasons it always made me happy to hear that.

‘Come here Rose’. I call my 1 and half year old cousin to my arms.

She doesn’t. It has been a while since i have seen her. She has completely forgotten me.

‘Aww..’ i sigh.

‘She will remember you. Don’t worry..’ Aunt Marish assures me.

That reminds me how much i have missed her. And talking to her. I could have really used a friend. All this time.

‘Rose’ she calls. Little chubby cherub lifts her head, looks at her direction, casts away the tangled  rope she had been trying to figure out and runs. ‘Mama!’ she screams.

I stare in awe, about to break in tears.

Perhaps this is what changed her. After all these years. Perhaps this is where she found happiness. Solace for heart. In Rose.

Its beautiful. The bond between a mother and a child.  To see  her run to her mom with so much affection, with no second thoughts, no questions asked, just with pure delight,  so sure in herself that she  was going to be there to hold her…

When did we stop loving anyone like that? What changed? When did I’ stop loving anyone like that?