Will You Into My Will (Chapter 54)


Its a shame how we could really love someone with all our heart and never know, never really be sure of how they feel about us. They may mean a whole world to us and what we do, how we talk, how we feel..all of our actions, our hopes, plans and future may entirely revolve around them; but for them, we might mean nothing, nothing at all.

I find it frustrating to depend on just mere words, non verbal cues and assumptions to feel emotionally secure. What i don’t own, may never be mine or perhaps isn’t mine or was never mine. How can i rest in peace with thoughts like that? 

Will is sleeping next to me. Even with his face this close, his warm breath blowing on my face, I feel unsettled. ‘He loves me, He loves me not’. How can one not be selfish to want to hold to him for life, when all i care, want and dream about.. lying right next to him is, ‘Him’. How can i not be greedy, when i can’t reason out  my own self from thinking that no one will keep him happier  and no one will love him more other than me.

‘ I am your person, look at me Will.’

‘Love and don’t expect’. Whoever said it, definitely didn’t know a crap about love. 

Is it possible to love some one and never want to hold them? Is it  love, if you haven’t brought up  enough guts to confess while shaking on your knees ? Can it be love, if you aren’t awake on middle of night, planning and  skimming to make your ‘perfect together’? Do you really believe, you could love someone without any expectations..?

I sigh reading the text message in Will’s cellphone. It read ‘love you and miss you’ from Ressica, his fiancee. And a reply ‘Me too’ from Will, for all the 4 days we have been together.

I don’t know what to do about it. I feel displaced. Like an outcast, intruder in a place where i don’t belong.. If this was a fairy tale, i surely am the evil witch  every one loaths. 

I run my fingers through Will’s face, across his forehead, along the border of his nose to his lips and to the chin.

‘This is the face, i’m in love with..’

He is heart throbbing beautiful. Its frustrating that he can’t see through my eyes how i see him. Its infuriating, that i can’t say the right words to win him over..

He is with me, but he isn’t with me at all.  


‘Hey, stop staring at me. I can’t sleep anymore’. Will mumbles, fluttering  his eyelids lazily.

‘Can’t do’.

‘Why?’. He flutters them again  at me.

‘Don’t know. Maybe cause you look so good when you are sleeping’.

‘Try sleeping. Come here’.

Exactly the words i have been dying to hear. It disheartens me sometimes to think, how for his ample attention i suffer.

Digging my face flat on his chest, i move in closer.

‘I don’t milk, do i ?’ he laughs, pecking a kiss on my forehead, when i nibble on his nipple.

I know‘ i reply, turning over, pressing my back against him and pulling his arm around me. ‘Can’t help my instincts.‘ 

Will chuckles.

I love that sound, i have always loved it, i don’t know why.

I close my eyes, feeling the weight of my lashes heavy on my lids. Its  5am in the morning. We are late birds, not exactly Will but I’m contagious. My lethal dose of laziness strikes everyone.

But in no time I open my eyes again. My head bends on my sides, feeling tender kisses of my partner’s  lips on my shoulders and once again for a thousandth time, my heart starts pounding fast.. oddly enough in strange places.



We set out  to explore the wonders of Scottish highlands, this time with a group of other holiday backpackers arranged by our tour guide. On our way, we see Matt and  his four friends cycling past through the unhostile road. They swing their hands on air, one by one , waving ‘bye-bye’ at us.

We had a good time.

Most of us were young couples so it was easy to start a chit-chat. Everyone were friendly and enthusiastic. By the time our 6 hours of hike was done, we were exchanging numbers and email addressees.

Will wasn’t at good mood when  we returned to our cabin. He wasn’t throwing fits or showing his usual tantrums but, he was being peculiarly very silent. There was no verbal reply to any of my queries, except nodding ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. 

Needless to say it made me nervous to see him behave like that. Especially when i had a clue, what might have ticked him off and it wasn’t a good one.


‘I’m tired. Should i just put the beans, sausages and bread for dinner?’ i shout out from the kitchen, once i settle in the chair, exhausted, without taking off my shoes.

‘Anything’ Will replies from the door, startling me, his voice right behind me, his eyes scowling at me.

‘You scared me..’ i stammer, looking at him.

‘I will take  a shower’. He walks off, without caring to calm me down , his eyes still scowling at me from corner of his eyes.

I hate it when he is elusive like that, when i can’t tell what he is thinking… I would give up anything if only i could read his mind for a day and understand, what really goes through that head of his. Anything’







Will You Into My Will (Chapter 69)


There is that sound again, in a tempo, almost like a  clock work, beating against his chest. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Its compelling. Like a shamanic music resonating against my ears to my mind, calming me down.

And there is that touch again, filled with need to  possess me, own me in a compassion that blinds my cautious soul. Sensitive, my skin traces his hands to the pulp of his pressure points, his fingers digging in my flesh against his palms, as he burrows himself in me  and moans.

‘Carem, Carem’. Rose wakes me up, slapping her chubby hands on my face. ‘Momma. Momma’.  She points curling her stubby fingers and pointing towards the door. I rub my eyes, sitting up. ‘What was i doing, having wet dreams on board day light, on a kitchen garden next to 1yr old kid?.  I am utterly ashamed.

These are the times, I am really angry.  Him entering my mind without control.  At myself for allowing it  to happen and on him, for screwing my life up.

‘She is a little gangster’. Aunt Marish chuckles, handing me a glass of juice and  picking up Rose on her arms. ‘Yeah she is. She probably would have left me with panda eyes if i hadn’t woke up’.

‘Bad girl. Why did you hit Auntie? ‘. She asks, pointing her forefinger on her little daughter, appearing stern. ‘Ah hah’ Rose squeals in pure pleasure, hiding her face away from us, overjoyed at being centre of attention.

Someone coughs. Across the fence. Again. And again distressingly, with more bouts of poor effort  in a row. I stand up to look over.

‘Ah poor Ross’ Aunt Marish sighs. ‘Why don’t you go over and say hello Carem. He will be very glad to see you’.

I stare over pityingly to  the man. In his 60’s,  slumped on a wooden chair, with a thin rubber tube running across his nostrils connected to a small portable oxygen cylinder, Ross’ did not look at all like a man i used to know. He was tall, not athletic built as such but quite a fit man. Always vibrant, full of energy and life. But now, it looked to me as though, life has been sucked out of him and all that has been left behind, is an empty case of emaciating muscles, shallow eyes and hollow bones.

‘Hello Ross’ I prod him gently on his shoulder.

‘What?’ Ross flinches scared , suddenly awake from his sleep. His expression horrified seeing a stranger stand upfront on his house.

‘Its Carem. Marish’s cousin’. I reply, trying to calm him down. ‘Carem. Remember me?’

‘Oh. Oh Carem’. He narrows his brows, looking intently at me, his hand pulled across his face, fingers drawn together on his lips, trying to think. His eyelids twitching now and then, still sedated with lorazepam, a file of which is thrown aside.

His eyes lightens up, when he remembers. ‘Oh Carem’. He exclaims with a  delightful smile.

‘Look at you. You are a woman now.. How long has it been?’

‘3 years’. I reply.

‘That long huh?’.  He makes a sad expression. ‘Ever since i have been like this, i cannot travel you see.  How are your parents?’


I raise my voice to a   louder tone,  almost like shouting in  single word answers. He adjusts his hearing aid and nods.

‘Do you still have the budgie at home?’ I ask.


‘Aunt Marish says to me, you are allergic to budgies. So its not good for your health’. 

‘We tested it. It does not have any disease’ He answers calmly. ‘Tell Marish not to worry’. 

Of course the budgie does not have any disease. You have the disease because you are allergic to it’. I try to explain.

Ross has Hypersensitivity Pneumonitis. My aunt is a nurse at the district hospital, where these past three months alone he had been admitted twice, with severe worsening of his condition. This was because he was allergic to birds feathers or droppings. They had done some test on him, with avian para proteins that was positive. It has been four years years since the diagnosis now and in that time, Mrs Jones and Ross has had 3 sessions of one hour counselling with three different consultants. But the damn Budgie still prevails!!

‘Its either your husband or the your budgie. Thats what the consultant told her’. Aunt Marish confided to me that morning frowning. ‘She really doesn’t care about Ross’. 

I saw a moment of sadness cloud in his eyes. ‘It talks you see’. 

‘And it calls everyone by name. Its actually very smart. But it calls me stupid’. 

Doctors  think Ross doesn’t understand what is going on. Same does aunt Marish. They don’t think he knows, how dangerous it is to be in this house, with a bird in a vicinity and to be in the same bed with a wife who is constantly exposed to it. But i think, Ross exactly knows the situation. He knows this will cost him his life.

‘Are you okay? ‘ Aunt Marish squeezes my hand when she sees me playing with the remote, switching on channels to channels constantly.

‘Oh i’m sorry’. I apologise. ‘Its just that i can’t help thinking about Ross. He is really very unwell. Is there nothing anyone can do to help?’

‘I know hon. It is  frustrating to know all this. And we have raised safe guarding concerns. But thats the best we can do for now.’

‘Then why is nothing happening?’

‘It takes time. ‘ Aunt Marish tries to calm me down. ‘Beside Ross not doing anything about it, not understanding the main problem isn’t helping’.

‘But he is not on his right mind Aunt Marish. He knows Mrs Jones would rather choose the budgie over him, but he is on denial. He needs mental health team, psychiatrists whatever anyone who can help him to see him’

‘Carem. Carem. Look at me dear.’ ‘Take a long breath.’ ‘Yes. Take a long breath’. 

I inhale. Then exhale a long breath of air, deflating all that i could from my chest in one go.

‘Its his choice’. Aunt Marish continues.  ‘Its his life. Whether he is prepared to be smart or fool about it, in the end we cannot control his decisions’.  

‘Yes he could be on denial. Many times, people are comfortable avoiding truth. Especially in relations like this, where a partner is emotionally abusive. Manipulative. They cannot see their way out. Everything that happens. They are willing to face. What may seem like a obvious easy way out for us, may not be for them. We are not in that box. He needs to come out of it. It will be a struggle. And if he can’t make it….’

‘lets just hope the budgie doesn’t live a year more. That shit is fucking 9 years old!’. 

I gape my mouth open.

Its not often i hear Aunt Marish swear. Especially in front of her 1 and half year old daughter, who is just learning to pick up the words.

‘You did not hear what i said’. She plugs both ears of her daughter and looks at me, smiling halfheartedly.


Is it that love is blind? Or is it our ignorance for truth that is blind? What makes us love anyone more than us and what makes us hate them to their death grave? Why do not people have a fair share of what they deserve? Why is the balance so unjustly tilted? Is it really love that is blind or our ignorance? 








Will You Into My Will (Chapter 68)


I cannot bear Brandon ignoring me on the school. Passing on the hallways without meeting my eyes, skipping on lunches just to avoid me and now, even on our favourite  sub when we always pair up together he is sitting 10 desks away from me.

I am on the first bench.

It is impossible for me to get his glimpse, without Mr Smith noticing me turn around my head 180 degree back and  him croaking ‘Carem!!!’ on his peculiar high pitch  voice. Freddy Kreuger was a lesser threat.   Bulging eyes on thin contoured cheeks,  long crooked fingers, add to that his nasty temper; it was everyones nightmare come to life.

We are reading ‘ Theory of Evolution by Natural selection’ today. ‘Charles Darwin’ is peeping on me from my book. Beside him are some picture of strange looking birds. ‘Finches’ Mr Smith says.  ‘Observing these birds, their beak sizes and food habit, Darwin was later able to postulate natural selection  theory. ‘


‘How bored and lonesome must he be to have noticed  the size of a beak on birds like that? And devising his own theory??  The number of hours he must have spent looking at them?’

Thats what i am thinking. Aunt Marish says,  i have unusual  way of perceiving information.  That my thought process is fascinating. I just wonder, if she too thinks i am a deviant. May be that is  what she means, when she says she worries about me.  That one day i will go haywire. I wouldn’t be surprised myself.

‘Pay attention Maxton!’. Mr Smith croaks again on the background. I ignore him.

This funny looking old man, a gardener, with strange fetish for birds and plants.  Weirdo became a genius. Great! End of story! When does this get over.’ I yawn looking at the clock.

‘He stated that it is not the strongest species or the most intelligent species that survives but the one that adapts most’. Mr Smith continues.

‘Adaptation means change in behaviour/ physiology and structure of organism to become more suited to environment’.

‘Example Brandon. Changing his behaviour- acting like i don’t exist,  physiology- went from needy to don’t need you’ on just 2 days and structure- sinking down the chair so that i don’t see him.’  I frown on my own.

‘These traits that help them to survive will be preserved over long run on their species simply because they will breed more. That is natural selection’. 

‘Over many generation  the process of selection then will create a entire new genera of species from original ancestors. Like gibbon, apes and chimps to humans. ‘

I have had enough.

As soon  the school was done, i was packing my bag to leave for Cornwall. In the world with rule of ‘Survival of the fittest’, where people adapt so well like chameleons i had no place.

I felt alone.



Seeing Aunt Marish after so long brought some joy back to my heart.

Despite our age differences, we were like best friends. We shared everything from  pep talks to serious deep conversations.

‘You are  alike’. Mom always commented when she saw us together. And for some strange reasons it always made me happy to hear that.

‘Come here Rose’. I call my 1 and half year old cousin to my arms.

She doesn’t. It has been a while since i have seen her. She has completely forgotten me.

‘Aww..’ i sigh.

‘She will remember you. Don’t worry..’ Aunt Marish assures me.

That reminds me how much i have missed her. And talking to her. I could have really used a friend. All this time.

‘Rose’ she calls. Little chubby cherub lifts her head, looks at her direction, casts away the tangled  rope she had been trying to figure out and runs. ‘Mama!’ she screams.

I stare in awe, about to break in tears.

Perhaps this is what changed her. After all these years. Perhaps this is where she found happiness. Solace for heart. In Rose.

Its beautiful. The bond between a mother and a child.  To see  her run to her mom with so much affection, with no second thoughts, no questions asked, just with pure delight,  so sure in herself that she  was going to be there to hold her…

When did we stop loving anyone like that? What changed? When did I’ stop loving anyone like that?



Will You Into My Will (chapter-67)


‘Hey. What happened?’ I speak,  once i stood next to Brandon.

He looks at me, then away to the ground.  Muddled.

Still lost.

His eyes lids are half pulled down, pupils  contracted, reflecting light dimly with only dusky hue of lime  on the background. His lashes are clumped together  on lower margins and there are  blotchy stains marked against his light skin where he must have rubbed his hand.

‘Brandon’ i call  again.  This time squeezing his arm.

‘Don’t’. Brandon pulls away from me. ‘Don’t’.  He repeats.

I freeze. Did i expect this? Did i not know it coming?

I know’ he says.   ‘I know’.

I stand still.  He picks up his gaze and fixes them pointedly to my eyes. ‘How long were you planning to not tell me?’ 

His tone. It wasn’t loud, he was not shouting. Brandon is loud when he is angry. I have seen  him be angry. A number of times with James. He can shout. But, he wasn’t loud with me.

He was restraining it. His voice was resonating with rage. Tightly sealed on his lips.

I turn away from him. I could not answer this.

‘Turn around’. 

Brandon speaks again. More assertive this time.  Against his clenched teeth.


‘Carem, turn around!!’.  He snaps with anger when i don’t respond.

I jump with fright at a safe distance away from him. This wasn’t him. Brandon wasn’t Will.

‘You slutty bitch. Do you now how much it hurts?’.

He breaks in tears now.

Still unsure of how i should be behaving, I stare at him, at odd display of his emotions. I am still on denial that truth had come out.  That Brandon knows. My mind is still processing.

‘How would you know? You are heartless’. 

‘And i thought, things could change…’.


He laughs then. On his own. Wipes his eyes roughly with his palms and sits down on the ground.

Extending his legs and stretching his elbows on back for support, he questions, looking up and at me,  ‘Is he that good?’

‘Come on. i am listening Carem. You need to give some answers’.  

I still don’t reply. What am i supposed to say?

‘Carem. Answers’ he insists.

‘I am in love with him’. I reply, in faintest voice i could produce.

‘Love. Did you say love?’. Brandon repeats, in a louder tone.  He chuckles unpleasantly with a half drawn smile at the idea of it, then hisses, ‘Don’t joke with me’.

‘That’s the truth’. I reply.

‘Its not the truth.’ He strongly disagrees.

‘He is twice the age as you. He is married, unfaithful and using you for sex. Don’t tell me your standards are so low that you are in love with a man of that category’. 

‘He is not married’. 

‘Carem!’ He gets up abruptly from  where he was sitting and walks towards me.

‘You had sex with him. It was good. You think its love.’

He affirms it again, pressing his both hands against  both my arms. ‘It was good and you think its love’. 

‘Its not about sex Brandon! I love him! I loved him way before i started seeing you!’ I scream now, pushing his hands away. He had crossed the limits. Nobody tells me, my love is adulterated. Not even him.

‘Have sex with me. And i will show you a good time’. Brandon steps in still, forcefully kissing me.

What are you doing?’. I push him back.

‘He is a wrong man.’ He replies, wiping his lips. ‘I thought you had come back to me this time for real’. 

I am sorry..’ I stammer, realising i had hurt him.

‘Don’t move’. He holds up the arm half way between us on air, straightening the palm  up.

Stop. Carem. No more. ‘

He crouches down on the ground, pulling his head in between elbows, resting on his knees then. ‘James had seen you with that guy. He told me, he didn’t trust you’. 

‘I saw you two kissing. I know, where you disappeared for 12 days’. 

‘You thought i didn’t know… I knew everything even before Mia told me’. 

But i love you..’ he sobs, pulling tight his hair.  ‘I thought you’d be through him. I hoped you’d be. And we could fall in love over again. 



I slump down.  How foolish is Brandon to be in love with me? A girl like me? A cheat. A liar. How could he let me tag him along? Why would he do that to himself? 

‘I am sorry Brandon.’

My throat lumps with pain as i say that. ‘I know Will is a wrong man. He is unfaithful. Selfish. Mean and fickle. But i can’t help it. I love him. So much. Do You know how that feels?’.  I begin to wail. I was never  getting over this overpowering feeling of control he  had on me.

‘It hurts.’ He replies gazing at me. ‘You are unfaithful, selfish, mean and fickle. But i can’t help it.’

We sit there, two fools, sobbing peering at each other  at an arm distance.

Love was fickle.  At least for us.

The light of his eyes grew dimmer as i watched him. If there was a switch off button to feelings, i could use, i wouldn’t  have thought twice to do that for him. But i cannot. 

All i can do is pray. To pray for Brandon to find love. A true love. If there was any. Even if it meant giving my share. And so much happiness, that his emerald pair of eyes always glowed brighter than these stars that are staring at us now, from a world so far away, where perhaps every one are happy and have their perfect-forever-together. 





Will You Into My Will (Chapter 66)


I was wrong. I wished i had followed Mia. Said Sorry or came up with an excuse. Anything, anything that could have avoided this situation. James just left our apartment pissed off, because he has no idea what is going on.

‘Shit Carem, I don’t know whats the problem with you girls. One moment you act like you girls love us and next moment, you treat us like we are pieces of junk or something’.

He walked out of the door, leaving Mia slumped over me.

‘I am sorry James. She is just drunk. She probably didn’t mean anything she said.’ I had replied, having no clue what she had said to him, or did on the pub.

I hope not. Because if she did, tell her we are done’. James had looked up straight in my eyes and turning around, left immediately.

‘You are such a slut Carem. ‘Mia  curses me as i drag her down the hall to her room.

Take  your slutty hands off me’  she screams when i pull her up to the bed. She knocks me down the edge of the bed.

I bump my head to the floor and cut my lips against my teeth.

‘You had to be a bitch and sleep with him. You had to ruin yourself and drag Brandy down huh?’ She  yells, now trying to stand up on the bed  and pointing her fingers at me.

‘How many times have i told you, don’t hurt him. Don’t. You don’t deserve him. You are a low life. Scumbag. You only deserve that cheat’.

I get up from the floor, rubbing my head. ‘Mia you are drunk. Get back to bed’.

‘I don’t take any orders from low life!’. She snarls and walks down the bed,  over me to the door. ‘Brandy needs to know how much i love him. I can help him get over a liar like you’. 

‘Mia. Don’t’ I pull her skirt from the back. She loses balance and lands down over me with her bums on me.

‘Ahhhh!!’ I push her away, rubbing my thighs with pain. For a bubbly butt she had way too sharp tuberosity bone.

Mia slumps on side.

I shake her by her arms. ‘What did you say to Brandon?MIa? Tell me. ‘

You are such a bitch..’ She slurs on her sleep.


I didn’t have to wait long to find out what she had said. A message from Brandon saying ‘We need to talk’. Meet me ASAP at the playground’, made it very clear

I worried this. I dreaded this day when Brandon found out.

I didn’t want to put him on bind fold forever but i didn’t want him to know, at least not now. I was not ready.

I cover the traitor with blanket before  heading my way to the door.


‘I couldn’t let him go. I would come back from work everyday. Sit down next to my laptop and stalk him on his facebook  profile. I would go through each one of his pictures and through his wife’s and their baby, and re-live on my head each of those moments we spent together regretting of  what i could have had and what i had lost.’

‘It became a habit then. A routine, I went through everyday. Wishing in my mind, every second i spent watching him, watching them that i could re-wind time. That i could go back and un-do all things i had done.. ‘


Somehow at this odd time, i can’t help  recalling aunt Marish’s words.   I stare at the mundane street lights of the city as i ride  on the taxi, wheeling despondently on the narrow roads.


‘ I wish that you never have to go through what i went my dear. Its painful. The feeling eats you out very slowly. I didn’t think i could live through it. But, your uncle made it easier. And we had Rosie. And i loved her so much. So much that i knew, i was never going back .

You are like me Carem. I worry for you. Don’t be  a fool. Never’ Never  let go of the person who loves you’. 


It stops.

The engine makes a strange vrooming sound. Could something so mechanic have senses? This moment, the ambience, the melancholy  i feel. Like i have been here before. De-ja vu.

Absent mindlessly,  i hand in the fare  to driver without bothering to count and step out of the vehicle.  I can see Brandon. He is standing next to the swing looking away, lost on his thoughts.

‘Miss Miss. Take your change’. The taxi driver calls.

I wave at him, mechanically, my hand lifted high on air, signalling him to go.

I turn around then. Brandon has noticed me. He is looking at me. I can feel his eyes piercing into my skin, into my thoughts, trying to read my mind, to read my expression, to understand ‘Me’.

He looks confused.

I keep my march.

I can’t turn away now. I have run away far to long.

Subconsciously, my mind starts to count my steps. 1,2 ,3…..   Is this the moment i will re-live on my head for rest of my life?



Will You Into My Will (Chapter 65)

stock photo

The werewolves stories had always fascinated me. I don’t know if its the well toned muscular defined physique they show on the movies, like hot ‘Jacob’ from Twilight saga, standing wet on the rain with water drops trickling down his chin, flowing down his abs or the idea of giving into one’s animistic  instinct, that raw force, craving, beating and tantalising  lures… Those myths interested me.

And in some ways, i believe Will had that effect.

I like Brandon. And I am in love with the person he is. But, i miss it. The thrills. That rush i felt with Will.

Even when i felt minimal, or was belittled, with him there was this strange connection. As if,  i am suffocating, but deep inside  i am actually enjoy this struggle for air. That paralysing feeling of inability to inhale..

Why in sane mind, will anyone let anyone hurt them? Why in sane mind, will anyone continue to love that person? 

It had been few weeks that i had not seen him. It felt like forever.  So when he appeared at my door. I took the bait. Yet again.

I wanted to turn him away straight back from the door. May be a little dramatic, kick him on his nuts and slam it shut on his face. But, he looked so tired… There were darker creases below his eyes. Clearly he hadn’t slept, probably for days.  His shirt was half tucked  out, tie loosened, knot roughly pulled down. It was awful. He looked terrible. Part of me wanted to believe, it was because of me, because he missed me. But everyone who knew us, knew that was wrong.

You look horrible’.

‘I know’ Will replies, putting his bag down and wrapping his arms tiredly around me. ‘Thank god your friend didn’t open the door.’

‘Me too.’ I smile halfheartedly at the thought. I was going to break away the promise i made.  Mia would definitely not  approve this.  

‘Come in’.


I am crying, blowing my nose into paper tissues, cursing a  giant gorilla that has fallen head over heels for this girl call ‘Ann’. What the fuck does it see on that Blondie? Does it not even know that she is not an ape? Hey!! What are you doing?

‘There you go. Good for you. Get hit with the tranquillisers. That’s what you get when you chase  a wrong person. I can’t believe this!’

I am angry. I throw my chips at the humongous  ape. Of course, they only bounce back from the  screen of my laptop. But this doesn’t stop me. I throw it back, again and again till it annoys me and am puffing, steaming with anger munching on them furiously.

Stupid! Why did  you have to fall in love with someone, who was never the right person to begin with?’. Another packet of chips makes its way.

Half an hour later. I am tired. Its hopeless. He is climbing the tower. I have seen this movie more than a tenth time. This is the part where he dies.

‘You are not suppose to do that’.

I snort on the tissue, lowering my voice  a little this time.  ‘Can’t help it, can you?’. 

The ringtone on my phone scares me. ‘Love me, Love me. Say that you love me. Fool me. Fool me. Go on and fool me’. It sings. 

I stay still, looking at it buzz and sing continuously. Finally it dies away. And i crwal forward to check the incoming message.

‘What did you do to my car?’ It reads.

Oh yeah.’ I smile.

What did i do to his car? Let me remember. I walked up to it, took out my lipstick, wrote 2 words ‘Fuck you’ on both side of his doors. Went to the front, grabbed the flower pot i had just bought, threw it onto his windshield and smashed the front shield into pieces.

It makes me happy now. I laugh. My villain laugh. The witch inside me agrees. Nods its head with full approval.

‘He deserves it. How dare he bring that woman in your favourite cafe? How dare he walk out on you? How dare he use you just for sex?’


Mia came home horribly drunk tonight.

She had found me lying half naked on the  bathroom floor in the morning, covered on  my own vomit. ‘You said you were over him’. She had said, when she saw me. There was a bang noise of the main door then and she had left the apartment..  I laid  alone on it, crippled with shattering pain that i thought i enjoyed some how and i could handle.. How foolish..

I vomit again. It was regret that was making me feel sick. Disgust for myself.

Another bout, again and again, till i had collapsed.

I was conscious but i wished i was not. I didn’t bother getting up and follow Mia. I didn’t bother picking myself up. How does one pick up  from where i had fallen? Maybe i belonged here, in a pile of nothingness, thin in the air, unseen, unwanted, lost and alone..




Will You Into My Will. (Chapter 64)

Rose Love Red Romantic Hands Passion Flower Gift Wallpaper Flowers

I wish it never ends. But good things come to an end sooner or later. Why does it have to be like this?

Could’t we have met at some other place at some other time in a different setup? We could have been farmers, living at the foot ends of green hills, miles and miles away from here and i would have been happy. I know i would.  I could have washed for him, cooked and cleaned and when he came back at dawn, exhausted after ploughing the field like a good wife would, i would have sat by  him, pressed his shoulders and eased his aching joints. I would have bore him 5-6 children, all beautiful well and healthy, running around the house like cats and dogs  and mice, boiling our temples, disturbing our peace. But, nothing would have mattered because we’d still have been despite all our limitations, a big happy family.

‘Snap out of it Carem!’ The witch hisses inside my bony vault.

Are you even aware of what you are thinking? Farmers?? You can’t even grow a plant in a pot. And that is, even if you were given a healthiest breed of plant, fertiliser along with it and a instruction written on paper of how to specifically take care of it.’

‘And, what about studies? I suppose you thought Will would take care of you all your life and you would never have to work? What if he gets another wife and you have to feed your half a team of football players all by yourself? Are you prepared to do the dishes?’

I  lie on my bed disturbed, all alone, thrown off by my own voice inside my head.

Sometimes i think, there is another person residing in me, trying to take over.. to take control of my actions.  As if i am divided. I am two different people in one body. And every thought i have about Will,  she is against it. She glares me with a warning, shames me with guilt and questions me on my sanity.


It has been a week now since we came back. As usual i haven’t heard anything from my so called lover. His existence has once again faded away.  He is a ghost again, with no one to miss him except me.

I thought things would change, i was sure they would, i genuinely hoped so but they haven’t.  Once again, my reality seems obscure.. What happened and what did not, i do not know.

I toss in my bed, throwing the blankets on the floor, closing  my eyes shut. But sleep does not come easy. How many times have i done that? How many times have i told myself that this would change? How many times..

I  see him. Beautiful and bare. I can feel him, his hand on my skin caressing my back, his fingers tips  on my hair and his lips on mine.

Its unbearable.  The distance between us. The words we don’t speak. The time, we don’t spend together. Its shattering. The painful realisation.  The commas on our stories, the infinity chains of our full stops that doesn’t end in one. The uncertainty of our ending, is killing me slowly.



Don’t be like this Carem!’ Mia barges in, kicking open my door. ‘Enough is enough! How long are you going to stay in sulking?’

‘Go away...’ I cry, hiding my face. ‘I don’t want to do anything’.

Come on! You’ve got to wake up. Its been a week since you have not stepped a foot out. You promised me yesterday you would go bowling with us. And Brandon will be there.’

No. And don’t kick the door.’

‘I thought you locked it again. Sorry. Carem please. You know you owe an apology to Brandon, you vanished without saying anything and you promised  you’d call him when you get back but you didn’t too. And now if you don’t show up he will think its because he did something. He is already tensed about the situation.’

‘Mia? Do you hate me?’ I make a quick flip from my bed, sitting upright and pressing the question, ignoring Brandon talk.

Mia looks confusingly at me. I stare at her right between her eyes. I needed to hear an answer.

No’ she says, knowing there was no get away without  a reply. ‘I know you can be a bitch and a cheat but you are still my best friend. And look at you, you are miserable’

I laugh, flooding the tears down my eyes. Even a stranger would have agreed to her remark. ‘I am miserable. Amn’t i?’ She nods her head.

‘I am sorry Mia, I said you things i shouldn’t have. I’m sorry about Brandon and I am sorry about your phone too’. 

‘Yeah. About that, it seems like they can’t repair it. And I will be better off with new one.’   Mia shows me off her i-phone with smashed screen on the front. ‘ You really took all your anger on it. Didn’t you? Anyways for now it still works fine’. She re-assures me.

‘ I am sorry about your hair too.‘ She apologises.

‘Ah well. Just a patch of baldness on my back. That’s all.’ I laugh, forgiving her instantly.


When we reached  the sports centre our guys were already there. ‘Hello ladies!’ Brandon greets us with a wave from far. When we reach closer, he tosses the ball on the floor and comes running to me stretching his arms. Then he hauls himself over, squeezing me on his chest. ‘Cam i missed you!!’ He squeals.

‘Hey Romeo give her some space to breathe at least ‘. I hear James behind him.

‘Yeah can’t breathe..’ I squeak underneath. My cheek placed flat on his chest and face covered with his jacket. Hearing that, Brandon releases me immediately. We all laugh.

‘Didn’t think she was gonna die. Did you?’ James jokes, putting his arm around Mia. ‘You’ve gotta be gentle with ladies’. His usual odd remark.


Well, I guess some things are unchanged better. You have a place of comfort that way.  To relax. To heal. To think over your own changing  process to adapt, so when the time comes you are ready.  Inside and out.  



Will You Into My Will (Chapter 63)


Can this be love?

That despite all the flaws you see in the person and  in your relation, you wouldn’t want to let go of their hold? That despite knowing, the person you want may never really  want you back and in your infinite world of happiness, you would never truly be happy, you still wouldn’t  let go.

How happy am i? Or i ever was? I don’t know. I don’t think i will ever know.

One moment i hate Will. The next moment, i cry. I can’t even tell apart, what part of my feelings are stronger. If even one of them was, my mind would at least have been at ease.

I hold Will’s hands and stare at him.

I could still feel the tracks left by the shawl when it constricted his wrist, the ridges and depressions it left behind; distinct, sharp and overwhelming on senses of my fingers.

‘I will be fine’. He answers, looking at me, without even a tint of worry on his voice or his face.

Clearly this man has no idea what he is into…’  I feel like mocking his stupidity, knocking some senses on him then and there, but this was no time.

What happened? I heard noises’ he asks, when he sees me return with a bucket full of ice.

‘Some of the ice trays broke.’ i reply bluntly.  ‘Put your hands here. It will help your pain and swelling’.

He doesn’t question and digs them  into the cubes.  Next few minutes we sit there  without talking. It was one of those odd times when  silence between us was just too awkward.

‘Are you stupid?’ 

‘Hmmm.. ‘ 

Will raises his brows at my abrupt question.

‘Its been more than 3 minutes Will and you still have your hands buried under the cubes!’

‘You asked me to.’

‘ Smart people are smart enough to know when it starts to hurt!’. My jaws tense as i say that.


Ok!’. He removes his hands looking at me and places them at my eye level for my visual confirmation.

I was doing it again, directing all my anger and frustration over and at  him.

Nothing had changed much really except his swelling. I don’t understand what i was so heated up for, the world wasn’t going to crash if i stayed calm for three minutes.

‘Sorry.’ I mumble. ‘If you put your hands longer on ice, it will actually do you more harm. You are supposed to alternate it. Take it out and put it back in. Immerse only 1 minute or so, take out and immerse again later.’

‘Hmm. Yeah. Sure’ he replies awkwardly. Then  back again, we have our silence.

‘Why are you so angry now days?’ Its his turn now to bombard a sudden question.

I crease my forehead. Honestly, it wasn’t unanticipated. But till now, i hadn’t really come up with an answer.

‘I was never like this. Ever since you dropped in on my life, i can’t really tell whats going on with me’.

Will laughs, his beautiful laugh.

He thinks i ‘m trying to woo him away with my flimsy dialogues. He thinks its too sleazy, too cheesy or  too corny for me to mean it.  If only he knew, i am  honest. He changed me in many ways. For better or for worse.



An hour later, our moods are different.

I am lying on bed, half naked down below, with a blindfold on my eyes with the same shawl.

I do know, its all about kinky sex. And has a lot to do with me saying, ‘you are not good enough’yesterday.  But i really have no clue whats on his mind.

How often do you hear, about a monster on bed? About things men want to do, which their partners don’t like, don’t want to do but are forced to.. One moment it is consensual and other moment it turns into a rape. News, medias, internet; people with unhealthy sexual fantasies,  doing demeaning things, hurting people, playing with  lives. All for sex’.

Is it wrong for me to get worried at this point? But then again, what has it got to do with me trusting him? People are what they are. What if Will is one of those people, who is looking  forward to gain pleasure asphyxiating me, drowning me, duct taping or even stuffing me with things? Now that we are ready to push our boundaries.

‘Are you ready?’ I hear excitement on his tone.

Yes..‘  My ‘yes’ comes out as a stammer, rather than a confident response.

He separates my legs, pushing them up against my thighs then. And in no time, his fingers starts stroking my pleasure spots. A long gasp of air, and I had only begun to breathe it in, when he plants his lips on it.

‘I can handle that. We have done it before….’ I breathe out. But his hype of eagerness was making me more restless than i should be.


More strokes and i start to moan tightening my abdomen.  All my focus suddenly concentrated now on the nub between my inner lips and his.

‘Oh my God…!!This is insane.’ I explode.


Humans. We were designed with a flaw, a natural weakness on our physique aren’t we?

I remove my eye fold to  bend my head over and look at him and, i can’t help smiling. But he is clearly not happy. ‘You are not supposed to do that’ he rants.

‘But i’m done. You should know, you can’t tickle more, if you don’t want to get in.’ I laugh again. The look he has is actually disappointment.

‘That was too fast’. He frowns. Genuine disappointment. Can you believe that?

‘Not my fault.’ I protest.  ‘You aren’t happy when i don’t come in, you aren’t happy when i come in. What do you want? Is it about me saying you aren’t good enough?’

‘Of course not!’ he defends. Seen a kid with wrapper on his hand and openly, courageously lie, looking into your eyes saying that he didn’t eat the chocolate. Adorable, isn’t it?  But you know he is clearly lying.

‘If i’m not good enough, you wouldn’t be moaning ears off these walls. I’m sure Matt has hard time sleeping’. 

I didn’t even ask for explanations. And he is defending. I smile. Guys and ego, i just don’t understand.

‘I didn’t mean it..I was just mad.’ I try to calm him down.

‘Of course you didn’t mean it. You keep begging for it.’ Now that, was getting over my head.

‘No i don’t!’

‘Yes you do!’

It has  become a game for us, this thing, trying to make the other back down.

‘Ok. Yes I do. So, before i wear off my high,  why don’t you get in?’. I open my legs again and taunt him. Last thing i want to do is fight.

‘Then lay back in. And i want the folds back’. He demands.


‘Cause I want them back. I want you close your eyes and concentrate on where i am rubbing you.’

I can’t concentrate with my eyes open’.

‘Do it!’. 

I put my blindfold back. I am not happy. Something about the folds, they make me really nervous. Or is it the idea, that he might shove something else down my canal, i don’t know.

He inserts it in. I know this feeling. The pulsating beat, the stretching of my rugae. I can hear him gasp softly too on the background. A short gasp, on every thrust he puts. Its sensual, its arousing.

I move along side as he bends, extend as he extends moulding to his hands. The friction gets easier, slippery, short lived and faster.

‘Don’t’ he whispers, clutching my hand, as i move it to my face to remove the shawl.

‘It makes me nervous..’

‘Trust me,’ he locks my hand above my head.

I want to see you’

‘Not now. Babe, just concentrate on yourself. No kisses for now’.

‘What does it mean no kisses? How can i concentrate when i can’t see you and now i don’t get a kiss? Let me out of it’

There is a pause. A pause of seconds, that feels like a millennium in a world without sight.

‘Babe,’ he begins.  ‘Don’t you have a fantasy guy you ever wanted to hook up with?’. 

He is calm and clear with his question. I can see even with my eyes closed, his determination gawking at me, convinced to  take it all through. And i can’t talk him out of it.

‘For this time, just this onceimagine i am him. I can be your Leonardo , Channing Tatum whatever you want me to be. But whoever is it, however it is, imagine it.’

‘I know what you want. Women don’t always come. I may not’. Its pathetic how i am reasoning. But at least i am making my point.

‘You have to..’

‘I already did!’

‘Its not the same thing.’

Men are weird creatures. Its strange how their brain is made to function. Sex and emotions can be two separate and complete different things. And they expect the same for us, to segregate it.. To imagine someone else while i am having sex with him. How is it even possible? We have an emotional bondage. You can’t put a blindfold on my eye and let my insecurities escape. You can’t manipulate my body into deceiving my brain or my heart.

But, what did i know?? Apparently you could. Close your eyes and vanish your problems away.

I came that day, over and over again. Not knowing who was on his mind or even mine.  And it was, the most revelling experience in my life..