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Will You Into My Will (chapter-67)

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‘Hey. What happened?’ I speak,  once i stood next to Brandon.

He looks at me, then away to the ground.  Muddled.

Still lost.

His eyes lids are half pulled down, pupils  contracted, reflecting light dimly with only dusky hue of lime  on the background. His lashes are clumped together  on lower margins and there are  blotchy stains marked against his light skin where he must have rubbed his hand.

‘Brandon’ i call  again.  This time squeezing his arm.

‘Don’t’. Brandon pulls away from me. ‘Don’t’.  He repeats.

I freeze. Did i expect this? Did i not know it coming?

I know’ he says.   ‘I know’.

I stand still.  He picks up his gaze and fixes them pointedly to my eyes. ‘How long were you planning to not tell me?’ 

His tone. It wasn’t loud, he was not shouting. Brandon is loud when he is angry. I have seen  him be angry. A number of times with James. He can shout. But, he wasn’t loud with me.

He was restraining it. His voice was resonating with rage. Tightly sealed on his lips.

I turn away from him. I could not answer this.

‘Turn around’. 

Brandon speaks again. More assertive this time.  Against his clenched teeth.

 

‘Carem, turn around!!’.  He snaps with anger when i don’t respond.

I jump with fright at a safe distance away from him. This wasn’t him. Brandon wasn’t Will.

‘You slutty bitch. Do you now how much it hurts?’.

He breaks in tears now.

Still unsure of how i should be behaving, I stare at him, at odd display of his emotions. I am still on denial that truth had come out.  That Brandon knows. My mind is still processing.

‘How would you know? You are heartless’. 

‘And i thought, things could change…’.

 

He laughs then. On his own. Wipes his eyes roughly with his palms and sits down on the ground.

Extending his legs and stretching his elbows on back for support, he questions, looking up and at me,  ‘Is he that good?’

‘Come on. i am listening Carem. You need to give some answers’.  

I still don’t reply. What am i supposed to say?

‘Carem. Answers’ he insists.

‘I am in love with him’. I reply, in faintest voice i could produce.

‘Love. Did you say love?’. Brandon repeats, in a louder tone.  He chuckles unpleasantly with a half drawn smile at the idea of it, then hisses, ‘Don’t joke with me’.

‘That’s the truth’. I reply.

‘Its not the truth.’ He strongly disagrees.

‘He is twice the age as you. He is married, unfaithful and using you for sex. Don’t tell me your standards are so low that you are in love with a man of that category’. 

‘He is not married’. 

‘Carem!’ He gets up abruptly from  where he was sitting and walks towards me.

‘You had sex with him. It was good. You think its love.’

He affirms it again, pressing his both hands against  both my arms. ‘It was good and you think its love’. 

‘Its not about sex Brandon! I love him! I loved him way before i started seeing you!’ I scream now, pushing his hands away. He had crossed the limits. Nobody tells me, my love is adulterated. Not even him.

‘Have sex with me. And i will show you a good time’. Brandon steps in still, forcefully kissing me.

What are you doing?’. I push him back.

‘He is a wrong man.’ He replies, wiping his lips. ‘I thought you had come back to me this time for real’. 

I am sorry..’ I stammer, realising i had hurt him.

‘Don’t move’. He holds up the arm half way between us on air, straightening the palm  up.

Stop. Carem. No more. ‘

He crouches down on the ground, pulling his head in between elbows, resting on his knees then. ‘James had seen you with that guy. He told me, he didn’t trust you’. 

‘I saw you two kissing. I know, where you disappeared for 12 days’. 

‘You thought i didn’t know… I knew everything even before Mia told me’. 

But i love you..’ he sobs, pulling tight his hair.  ‘I thought you’d be through him. I hoped you’d be. And we could fall in love over again. 

 

 

I slump down.  How foolish is Brandon to be in love with me? A girl like me? A cheat. A liar. How could he let me tag him along? Why would he do that to himself? 

‘I am sorry Brandon.’

My throat lumps with pain as i say that. ‘I know Will is a wrong man. He is unfaithful. Selfish. Mean and fickle. But i can’t help it. I love him. So much. Do You know how that feels?’.  I begin to wail. I was never  getting over this overpowering feeling of control he  had on me.

‘It hurts.’ He replies gazing at me. ‘You are unfaithful, selfish, mean and fickle. But i can’t help it.’

We sit there, two fools, sobbing peering at each other  at an arm distance.

Love was fickle.  At least for us.

The light of his eyes grew dimmer as i watched him. If there was a switch off button to feelings, i could use, i wouldn’t  have thought twice to do that for him. But i cannot. 

All i can do is pray. To pray for Brandon to find love. A true love. If there was any. Even if it meant giving my share. And so much happiness, that his emerald pair of eyes always glowed brighter than these stars that are staring at us now, from a world so far away, where perhaps every one are happy and have their perfect-forever-together. 

 

 

 

 

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Will You Into My Will(Chapter 76)

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How did the days go by then. Minutes felt like hours and hours seemed endless. Dragged too long between the two  metal  arms, making a periodic ticking noise, constantly ringing in my ears. Swishing still, precise, continuous, right beside my eardrums even as I  cover my ears and press the pillows against them to dampen the noise. Where am I hearing this sound from?  Battery lays cold lifeless jeering at me beside the dismantled clock.

Hideous eye  bags. The colours in my face has been bleached. A white sheet and  any moment  i am ready to haunt these hallways. Gliding through the ceiling. Restless. Bellowing. Nothing can pacify my heart. The empty hollowness. It’s so silent. So bleak. All I can feel is  the nothingness of it, scrape away of what remains of my  entity, little by little.

The same wearisome pair of eyes. Lately I haven’t been able to  face the mirror.  The same lustreless look with unwilling dead smile and  permanently embedded frown.. it makes me nauseous. Am I even alive? I check my pulse. There it is on my wrist, pulsating, strong, continuous and periodic. Right against my radial thin bone. The sound that has kept me awake. These whole nights. Insomniac and crazy.

Am I too weak to end this? The sharp blade only touches my skin. Gently. Just enough to leave a mark. I stare, as the red blood oozes slow marking the line, across the wrist. I am hurt. But its not painful. Pleasurable maybe, to know I can stop this. I have the control. Its still me.

But, why am I crying? Am I too scared to slit my arteries or am I  too scared to face life.

It heals beautifully.  The scars. 2 months later. I don’t even know where I marked them. I have seen them on others. Sharp. White plane of demarcation. 2/3 strikes on a row. Clear. Exact.  Tattooed in their flesh. For a life time.  What made it a hesitancy mark then?

Self harm. It’s such  a demeaning  word.

‘Don’t ruin our moment with your grumpy face Carem. If you feel like a shit, don’ t come out. Stay at home. If you want to cry,  for fuck shake, get into the closet, get it over with and come and join us. Nobody cares.  We are young bachelors!’

It striked me. That comment, James made. ‘Nobody cares. We are bachelors’. For some weird reasons, in my messed up head, that made sense. If I can’t kill myself for it, then I can’t waste time pestering myself  about it.

As a creature, we ‘humans’ are so frail; no claws, no fangs, no scales and no wings. Structurally built, we were designed to perish.  We don’t t even understand each other. We have so many walls, boulders between us. But, as a life form, we are resilient. We cling on to every little hope of light  we see at the end of tunnel. No matter how faint or impossible it is.. We will run, walk, crawl and creep but continue to thrive, if not live.

And it is in these  weaknesses are our hidden strengths. And on those hesitancies are our victories.

 

 

‘Its like wearing sunglasses at night.’ A friend told me once, as he described the word ‘depression’, from what he had read. ‘Nothing has changed. The world is still the same. Just the perspective is different’. I clinged on to every word he spoke that day. For I felt what the writer meant.

We all have the canvases. Even if we draw the same view, the same object.  The outcomes of  these paintings will be  different. Is mine better than yours or is yours better than mine? I will never know. And that’s the irony.

‘Just the perspective is changed.’  Isn’ t perspective the most important thing?

What wouldn’t I give away to see the world through those eyes without shades to feel whole again..

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 75)

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Its never easy to let go.

Had it been easy, Aunt Marish wouldn’t have been welling her eyes talking about her unhappy past, she left 8 years ago. Her voice wouldn’t have shaken at every description of encounter she had with him. 2,920 days and plus. It is a long time, to hold on to someone that no longer exists or wants to be a part of you.

No regrets- she says. But i can see in her eyes, the look she gives Rose, as she sips her tea from beautiful hand painted ceramic cup, with prints of blue pansy on a white glazed surface, coated on  corners at the rim with gold ; this delicate thread of life that she has given birth to is all she has, to keep herself whole, to hold on from falling apart.

Had it been easy. Ross wouldn’t have been up puffing and breathless in middle of night, trying  to take in every molecule of oxygen as  forcibly as he could against his dry crusted flaring nostrils. Wondering,  what would it take him to exchange his place with the budgie, next to his peacefully asleep wife.

As cruel as it sounds, that is how life is.

Somethings cannot be compelled you see. Anything with a brain and beating heart of its own, makes its own choices. Often  stupid and  irrational.  Why can’t you chose me when I will stand for  every bit of happiness waiting to happen to you? They flicker.  They contemplate. They judge.  And they leave. A change of mind. A change of heart. Who are you to blame? You had your options and you had to chose them.

What is a perfect relationship? Is it the one where  you exercise control? Like a dog and a master. Where you seek undivided attention, faithfulness and admiration. And it is given to you. Or is it where you offer control. No questions asked. Blind trust. And in return you are offered protection, company and  support.

I tried to stand up, to keep mine to both roles. And it only drove him farther. I felt, every word I was going to speak was only going to disappoint him. So, without realizing, I started  cutting down on my sentences. Slowly  ended up being  just phrases, to 2-3 words barely understandable and near end, i only recall  shaking my head or nodding  to indicate ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Its hard to see how you are losing grip when you don’t want to.

‘It will fly away, unless you cut off its wings’. I remember my grandma say when i was a little girl every time i put my hand in the cage to pet my parrot.

What made me think, my small cage of metal bars with a small bird feeder and  a fancy water dish could ever keep it there. Those with wings, will always chase the sky.

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I cried. A long hard cry. After a long time.

Not because i wished i had a time to grieve for what i had lost. Not because i wished i was stronger than this. Or i should have listened to my guts, walked away from that first date. But because, in all of our stories, we were flawed. Had Aunt Marish not walked out from her drug abusive bf, had Ross not cheated on his wife and had a son from different  woman and had i not been so shady, seclusive about my relationship, may be we all had a chance.

Every question Will asked about me, every minute he spent digging  into details i was scared. Afraid, that he might catch up with my lies. Every step he got closer, the more anxious i got, because deep beneath me i knew i was not ready. To have responsibility.  To grow up. To throw everything away and just embrace him. I was not.  And, he saw it.

My love was an obsession. One i couldn’t confront, control , respect nor afford.

Lies after lies.

I no longer knew what my truth was. And here i stood. In nothingness, deceived by my own self.

So many sleepless nights, hours of restless thoughts, trusts i have betrayed, promises i have broken; pointing blames, making mistakes and committing sin. All for the one, that just wasn’t for me.  And it cost, everything i had,  loss of one innocent soul, to realize that it wasn’t Will, the demon was lurking and it was all along, always had been,  inside of me..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will.

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Love is cruel.

It makes you feel safe. In cloud nine. Makes you believe every thing is magic. Believe that, nothing is impossible. It was your destiny. And what happened to you, happened  for a reason. Omnia causa Fiunt. That the  universe is watching.

It plants hope then. A  pathological one.  Amor Omnia Vincit. That you can’t lose. This is your happy ever after.

‘Militat omnis amans.’ It whispers. ‘Win him and he shall be yours.’

‘Amor gignit amorem’. Surely, if you want something truly universe can’t say no.

 

But there is a downside to it you see, that love does not want you to know.

It is viscous.

It smiles with a angelic  warmth hiding beneath its malicious grin. Underneath  its soft supple pink lips,  is a set of razor sharp teeth. Make an enemy fall in love and that would be your biggest conquest. Even witches in fairy tales knew,  curse with love spells was a sure path to suffering.

‘Only a true love’s kiss will awaken you’. There is no such thing as true love.

Sensim amor sensus occupat.

Before you know, it has struck. Poisoned your mind and  infiltrated your heart. Blind to all the wrong he does. Deaf to all the worries your friends express. In no time your hands are wooden, your steps are  controlled, every words you say is the voice of Ventriloquist and you are just a puppet, immensely glad to be on the stage.

 

Plena est amor timoribus.      LOVE  IS FULL OF FEARS.

 

In no times. It starts. Doubts and frights. Then it never stops.

Unbearable, pounding, impatient. Like it will rip out of your chest. Any moment. Any time.

Aching. 3 am in the middle of night. Wide awake. Hurting with every beat.

Silent. No longer  throbbing buzz on your ears. Too quite. Too queer. Panicky, you wonder if this is how you are supposed to feel.

 

No longer the high. No longer the ache. Did you actually sleep better when the days were mundane?

 

‘Amor gignit amorem’. You remind yourself.  Love begets love.

That first moment you saw him. Anything. And everything. You had laid your heart out on the table.

You knew. That very instance, nothing will ever be the same. You thought, for that time, there was nothing you could love more.

 

 

Well.  You were wrong.

Love came banging at your door. Without your approval. Baring its teeth. Digging its claws. And you let it in. You let it grow. Despite all the suffering it caused, despite all hatred you bore. You continued

‘Numquam te amare desistam’. ‘I will never stop loving you’.

And look what have you done. To yourself.

Look. What have you done.

 


 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 74)

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I lay there staring at the same  ceiling with flaky paint, peeling surfaces like rough leathery skin of an old woman, exposing areas of bare plaster, stained by water seeping into the cracks  almost giving  it a human appearance. Only a half, with a peculiar set of eyes, scouring at me with a disapproving look. A patch of her head peeled off and a part of her face with lower bridge of chin and  lips completely wiped.

‘Stop staring at me!’ I hear my sub-conscious self cry. Certain that this woman on her 90s, wearing a head scarf, covering her face from me existed. And that she knew me and  now my secret.  My sin is exposed.

I start feeling dizzy, my heart pounds faster and in no time my anxiety swallows me.   ‘I can’t live through this!’ my subconscious gives another yelp before i collapse. Everything  is silent then. I can’t feel any pain. Its over. Its done. Then, I see it..  It being separated from me.  Tiny limbs first, so little i could gently touch it with my fingers  and still end up breaking it’s bones. Body, shoulders and  the head. Still intact. Hands and limbs curled up against its chest. Lifeless. Too weak to put up a fight. Cold. And abandoned.

‘Carem! Carem!’. I hear her. The doctor. ‘Wake up! Wake up’ She shouts.

‘Push her another bolus of  iv saline. ‘

‘Come on Carem’. I hear her again. ‘Baby.. Baby’ i stammer before i lose my consciousness.

 

I wake up in  a warmly lit room, late evening. It was the same room in the house i was allocated for my stay. Next to me was a cup of half drank coffee fuming with vapour. ‘John stop making so much noise. And can you also tell your brothers and sisters. We have  guest upstairs.’

‘Will do momma’ I hear a little boy reply. The footsteps, now approaches quickly  to my room, making heavy noises as it steps  against the carpeted wooden stairs. I have  no idea who this person is, surely not my doctor.

A kind looking, short chubby white lady in her late sixties peeks  at me from the door. ‘Ah you are awake!’ she exclaims.

‘How long have i been out?’.

‘Some hours. How are you feeling now?’.  She fetches me a cup of warm water. ‘You had some hemorrhage but its well controlled. We were worried there for a moment. And you didn’t leave anyone on emergency contact.’

Her eye balls converges at me as she asks. A minute of silence waiting for my reply.

I ignore her.  Sipping from my cup. I owed no one any explanation.

‘God forbid if something had happened to you. What about your parents?’

‘Can you please not ask me personal questions? I am sleepy’.

‘That was not a wise decision. You have no idea what your parents would have  gone through. Not that you care, you don’t have your ..’ Looking apologetically at me, she stops.

 

‘Talk for yourself. Having a basement for abortion clinic. You are no saint!’. Too late the woman had poisoned the air.

‘Yes. We are no saint.’ She replies calmly. Almost as if none of what i spoke offended her. ‘We believe  sometimes it takes  demons to do the dirty work to give a pass for angels’.

‘Pshhh’ I let out my disappointment aloud. Turn my back against her and get to sleep.

‘You remind me of my daughter. I hope you help Marla heal.’ She murmurs closing softly the door behind.

‘Crazy old lady.’ My sub conscious snaps. ‘I can’t fucking  help anyone. ‘

 

I couldn’t sleep the night. That little face kept haunting me. Hidden against it’s tiny forearms, back curved, legs pulled against its torso.  Lifeless, lying against the cold tray. Too ashamed of itself. Too ashamed to face me.

 

 

‘Carem.‘ Mia wakes me up. ‘How are you sweetie?’

My throat starts to swell at the question. My heart, my gut, everything feels like they are clumping  together against my vocal cords. I can’t produce any sound. ‘Gone. Gone. Gone’ is all what I can manage.

 

The old lady, ‘Marini’ as Mia introduces me, brings us tea while we sit at the porch. ’12 of them’. She counts, pointing at each of the children with their individual names. ‘how can a woman be so proud of being a birthing factory. ‘ I mumble bitterly, as she leaves.

‘You do realize, most of them are adopted children. Right?’ Mia questions me surprised. ‘Only John is her real grandson.’

‘Uh Hmm.’ I answer. Lying, bluntly at her face, only noticing now the obvious differences in their skin, hair and the builds.

 

I spent my entire evening there, watching children play. Legally I too wasn’t an adult yet. What happened to me? I sat there thinking for a long time. In my hand, I held it. A piece of me and my innocence,  in a piece of cloth, wrapped neatly, waiting to be buried.  ‘A bow tie’ Marini smiles at me, pointing at a little craft work she made. ‘About time, you lay down your little boy.’

I look down from the balcony one more time.

It was a safe place. It felt safe. I recalled my first impression of the house.  Bright red roof. White walls and  white fences. Green grasses. White sheets stretched in the clothes line, waving across the wind. The sounds of children playing, laughing and running.. It felt home. This was home.

I buried it there.

Beside the house, under a tree. Between the bushes of white roses.

‘Sleep sound.‘ I murmured, as I gently tapped on the ground over it. ‘You will never be alone here.’

It caught my scarf then. Firmly against the bush as I was about to leave. I jolted it, trying to walk past, but it wouldn’t let go.

‘I can’t undo it. I can’t undo it!’ I start screaming  at top of my lungs, beating my chest, kneeling to the ground,  engulfed in pain with my  grasp of hideous reality.

‘Carem. Carem. You got to let go.’ Marini whispered softly.

‘I know how it is, to let go of someone you love. I buried my little girl with my own hands. I know. But you got to. That’s the only way.’ She  tried to calm me down, tearful, lifting  me up from the ground.

‘What have I done Marlini? I can’t understand where did I go all wrong? What have I done?

I don’t know what did i do to deserve this.

 

 

The next day, I left that place. My heart, in a little grave. Tucked neatly in a bow tie. Deep down, 6 feet below the ground, in a small wooden casket. Never to be opened.

As I did, I asked for final forgiveness and prayed,  that if there was ever a chance that my boy could ever find in his heart to forgive me and come back to me again..  I would never let him down.  I promised to keep him safe. No matter what it took of me to make that happen.

And as we got distant, and the sounds of children faded and the  red roof looked nothing but a dot, it passed away. My grasp of what my reality was. The house became my figment of imagination like the old woman on her scarf looking at me, with mournful eyes.

All I had to do was hit the reset button.

Nothing happened. Noting was ever  lost.

 

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Will You Into My Will (Chapter 73)

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Why am i feeling this way? I can’t say. In my right mind, i would have thrown fits. Either begged him to rethink his choices or made him regret his decisions. Black or white. I was victim or i was the perpetrator. But here i was none.

May be it is pregnancy.. The process of changes i am going through. Hormones fiddling with my mind. This lucidness i feel is alarming  but exhilarating. The clarity of details from where i stand is impeccable.  I know exactly where and when i went wrong and  how this can be undone.

I head straight home after that. ‘I want an abortion!’ I speak my mind out as soon as i open the door. ‘What?’ Brandon pops his head from the kitchen to my dismay.

‘Ah…’

‘Yes. You heard right. I am pregnant and i want an abortion’.  I reply, collecting my coolness  after a while, rolling my eyes over  at Mia, who stood next to  him nervously.

‘What is he doing here?‘ i ask, once she follows me inside the room shutting  the door.

‘He just dropped by. Said he wanted to put things on past and be friends again. I swear i haven’t told him anything. ‘

‘Doesn’t matter’. I shrug off my disappointment.  ‘He might as well see how pathetic i am’.

‘So he didn’t want it?’

‘No’. I start opening my drawers, collecting all the scattered changes of money i could find. ‘Can you lend me some more  Mia?’ I ask, counting what i had in the purse.

‘Ah..That is another reason Brandon is here. I was about to ask him to lend me some for you for personal reasons’.

Psstt… That was the last thing i wanted to hear. I exhale sharply.  ‘No. Not Brandon’s money’.

‘But…’

‘I can’t. Its Brandon Mia’. I decline.

”Don’t be stupid!Take it. What if its my money? Money is still money. ‘ The eavesdropper barges in with his outstretched hand, holding roll of red fifties  i desperately need.

‘Is there no such thing as privacy with you ?’  Annoyed at his trespassing habit, i scream. Hasn’t Brandon seen enough that i need his money too for this?

‘Oh please..’

‘This is my room. How dare you come in like that??’

‘You know what..you deserve this.’  He storms out of the room.

Mia stands quietly as we brawl. Once he leaves, she mumbles ‘He is only trying to help Carem..’

‘No, he is not. He wants to see me suffer.’

‘No. He doesn’t. Don’t be like that..’

‘Don’t be what? Just leave me alone Mia’.

‘ But.. You aren’t feeling right..’

‘Just leave!!”. My frustration bursts out. As usual, i push  away, yet again, my only friend.

I don’t know what got me after. I screamed and screamed my lungs out. Ripped my bed sheets into shreds, tore my pillows to pieces, smashed the lamp into floor and hit the mugs on the wall. My rage was getting out of hand. Nothing was calming me down. Just like that, my clarity was gone. Pain, denial, confusion then that eerie feeling of  being anesthetized crawled.

‘Carem. Carem’. Brian wakes me up in the middle of night. ‘Come on get back to bed’.

‘Brandy..‘ I blabber sleepily. ‘Go away.. Let me be’.

‘But its cold here. Come on, i will help you’.  He insists.

I lift my head lazily and let him help. Once put into bed, he brushes my hair lightly away from my forehead, tucks  the roll under my pillow where i can see it and says, ‘ i want you to take the money’.

‘And abort the baby?’

‘Yes’..

I gaze at  him  closely as i question. Brandon’s eyes are pristine. If there was one thing i trusted most in the world, it was those pair of his beautiful hypnotic green eyes.  There were no lies, sins or wrong intentions in them. No traps, treachery nor hate. Just  sincere affection, feelings and compassion.

But when he answered  ‘Yes’, they  flickered to duskier lime . I could see, he didn’t approve of the idea  itself. But was forcing himself to agree to it.

‘How do you feel about abortion Brandon?‘ I had to ask. Not that his opinion really mattered but i had to.

Just as expected he remains still. Silence is  a big answer.

I sigh disheartened. ‘Thou shall not procure abortion, nor commit infanticide. I am a monster. Amn’t i?’ Unable to face him any longer, i dig my head into the pillow, muffling the sound of my sobs.

‘Carem its not time to think who thinks what about it. If i thought you were wrong. I wouldn’t be here. Just get some rest. Its a long day tomorrow’. He tries to pacify me. But I continue to sob.

‘You know Brandon. The day i found out i was pregnant. I was so scared. The idea of  a blob of cells growing inside my body becoming  a living thing… Feels like  a parasite. Like one of those freaky  alien movies..’

I hold my belly sitting up. I wanted to talk. I wanted someone to listen to what i had to say today.  I wanted Brandon to hear me out.

‘I didn’t know you felt so strongly about babies like that’. Brandon strokes my hair, bringing closer his face, concerned. ‘May be because we never talked about it’.

‘I didn’t use to. I thought, i would have  a dozen of his babies. And whenever where ever we wanted. We’d have it. But those were ideas.  I was in love with the idea of him being with me. .. Reality is of course different. ‘

He nods his head sadly. And  gently squeezes my hand.

‘I am constantly changing my mind. I don’t know if its me or my pregnancy. A moment ago, i knew exactly what i wanted.  And now….’ I hold my belly again, rubbing  gently  from side to side.

‘Don’t  get too attached to it’. Removing my fingers, Brandon  interrupts me quickly. ‘It is still only a mass of cells.  You are 11 weeks. It takes minimum 34 weeks for it to completely grow into human and survive on its own.’

‘But its got a heart beat. I listened to it. And its got tiny little hands and ….’ I stop myself  and close my eyes. My breathing becomes more raspy  as i recall again the agony  i felt when its heartbeat was escalating.  ‘I am about to steal its life even before its born. Its a sin. I am a murderer’ 

‘Sshhhh’ . He strokes my hair again and pats my head gently sitting up at level of my eye. It always works. His gentle hands against my head  to calm me down.  ‘There is no sin or salvation here. Carem its you. You got to think about yourself.’

‘But how can i do this?’

‘You can.’ He answers.  ‘You will be letting it go free and yourself that way’.

As much as clouded i feel, his reply did surprise me. May be this was what i wanted to hear. I wipe my eyes , turn my head to look at him  for expecting  more explanation.

‘You are young Carem. You have aim/ambitions. you have so much to live. There are so many things you want to do. But with baby in the way..i know its still possible. But, things will change.’

‘All of your decisions. And when i say all, yes all of those will change. Where you want to live/eat/sleep/go, what you want to do/invest or make your life of . And before you know it, it would be too late. Trying to be a responsible mother, whole of your life, somewhere along the line, you will lose track of Carem.  And one day you will wake up so frustrated and depressed. Not because you weren’t an awesum mom  because you don’t know who you are anymore. And that Carem  is a dangerous thing. You will then start venting all your bitterness on only person you know who  wouldn’t leave you and can’t harm you. But for how long? ‘

‘Stop it..’ I whisper, picturing vividly all his words on my head.

But Brandon doesn’t.

‘And its a pity. All you have to go through. Because  you didn’t even want him on first place. You will remember how  scared you felt when you first found out.  How on all those fantasies of children and family you dreamed, he didn’t fit in.  He wasn’t meant to be here..you’d say, guiltily, probably angry too. But what could you do Carem? He is your responsibility now.  You’d have to live watching him, that face of a person who betrayed you, used you and left you everyday..on minimum for 18 years…  What would you do?

.

 

Will You Into My Will( Chapter 72)

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I met him.

There wasn’t even a slightest tinge of happiness i could sense on him to see me. As usual, he looked displeased. From a meter away, his aura evaded my space.

It broke my heart a little. Sometimes i wonder, how many times do i have to break till there is nothing to strike any more. I keep falling down. And it bloody hurts.

‘What the hell Carem! What the fuck are you doing calling Ressica like that??’

His breath hits my face.  His eyes are bloodshot.

My instinct warns me to flee his sight. Right then and there. But  clinching to Mia’s words ‘No running away. Hearts and cards at table’, i stay put.

‘I did what i should have done a long time ago’.

‘How dare you????’

It happened so swiftly. Next thing i know, I am frozen in mid air, stooping low with him towering over me. His hands are up on the  air and my arms are crossed over my head.  I have known fear. Many kinds. But never this close.

Will looks at me strangely. Appalled. As i stare at him horrified. He takes a step back shaking his head. And, another step again. This time with his hands open and palms up.

‘I am s..orry.’ He stammers. ‘I didn’t mean to..’

I stay shook.  He had many faces. How many of those have i seen, i do not know.

‘I am pregnant’ I blurt out. It sounded stupid, taunting him to throttle me like that. But i had to. I have waited long enough to know there is no right moment for me with him.

‘How can you be?’

‘Because you had unprotected sex with me!’.  I can’t believe he would ask me questions like that.

‘You were on pills!’

‘5 weeks Will. It had been 5 weeks you hadn’t met me. Or given me a proper call. And you were thinking i would keep being on pills?’

‘You should have told me’.

 ‘You came  knocking at my door after 5 weeks just for sex.‘ I remind him bitterly. ‘ You don’t want me to stay. You don’t let me go away. What the fuck do you want from me??’

‘Be less dramatic. More honest. And easier to figure out. And definitely not a cheat’.

Your play doll then. That is what you want me to be…’

I start to sob .

His cheap, heartless remarks never cease to amuse me. At this moment again,  I loathe myself for not being able to stand up for myself,  to have a little dignity  and to walk out of this black hole.

‘You are doing this for attention. Aren’t you? And what the hell is this you being 17? Why is Mia involved? What the hell is going on? I want answers!! ‘.

He is getting louder.

Soon we will be screaming at each other at top of our lungs, like two deaf people, trying in vain to make the other listen.  Not making any conversations. Failing miserably to communicate. Walking out on US because our ego is too high for few seconds of patience.

‘I am really pregnant Will’. I murmur. Hopeless, my words fading  even before i begin.

‘Bullshit!’  He flusters with annoyance.

‘I am not lying. I am not. I promise on everything i believe, its true. Mia just wanted to let you know. But Ressica picked up the phone… Please trust me. ‘ I beg.

Who the hell is Mia then to decide what things she must tell and not tell to Ressica? How dare she?’

‘Will! Are you not listening to me?! I am pregnant!!’. 

The words exploded out so loud that a passerby jogger stopped to look at me in terror.  The look he gave me, when he realized what i meant was sheer pity.

True. Who the hell gets pregnant at my age?’

Will sits back to think about what i said for a moment. Regaining his composure  he then approaches me gently. Hesitates a little before he begins, unsure if he should be saying so but begins anyways.  ”I am getting married Carem. Ressica and I. And I don’t want to ruin this. Please don’t do this.’ 

I feel dizzy.

I hadn’t noticed that white bench where Will sat now ever since i got here. Hadn’t noticed it was  a sunny day with no clouds today. Hadn’t heard the laughs of children playing run-catch with their mom. Hadn’t noticed the boys on pompadour haircuts out with their drones.

‘Are you listening to me?’

‘Yes’ i reply slowly, looking at the girls with their skin tight shorts basking in the sun. ‘Getting married to Ressica..’

‘Congratulations’.  My words are automatic. I don’t know any words better than this. It felt like DEJA-VU. A  voice in my head whispers ‘I knew this. I told you where your character in this story would end. You are only a part of plot, a collateral damage.  Lost for ‘a happy ending’ . Their happy ending.’  It laughs coldly. ‘I told you so..‘ It chortles. Re-repeating its words again.

I did knew this. I  just didn’t knew, hearing those words from Will would make it more worse.

Do you ever  wonder if our minds  perceives emotional pain any different from physical pain?

With any kinds of pain, our intuition is to avoid the stimuli. Pin Pricks. Avoid the Pin. Will hurts. Why couldn’t i avoid Will then? Where was this feeling coming from? Fingers? I could tape it, numb with injection. But what could i have done to avoid something i didn’t know where it was attacking from? What could i have possibly done?

I feel my body leave as i think in my head what he just said.  Away and lighter, higher and higher from me, i start to float till i am watching down, at myself, staring vacantly at a world full of laughter with words that wouldn’t come out of my mouth and  tears that wouldn’t dry.

This  girl… I feel so sorry for her. She is so hurt. She has so much to say but its flooding, where would she begin.

‘I could never trust you. I never felt secure with you’. I hear myself speak. ‘I love you so much. But there is this void in me, you can’t fill. Its strange because before you  i never felt that way…’

He looks at me. I struggle to find more words again. And that was it. All that i could speak to try to win him back. Those pair of hollow charcoal eyes had swallowed all my  alphabets and vowels.

‘Ressica. I trust her. She makes me feel secure. She needs me. And she makes me happy.’ He stands up, as i pull my eyes away from his.

He had made up his mind.

‘Sometimes i wonder  if you do know what you want from me?’ Those were his  goodbye words.

I remain there watching him leave. On the same chair, where i waited for him for our first unofficial date. I was nervous then. I was excited. It was innocent. My sentiments.  I had so much to give.

He stopped half way. Like, someone woke him up  from sleep walking. Perhaps by habit, to watch me throw my tantrums or begging him to stop. But, today there was none. I leaned back further and continued to watch go. The world never felt so real before this.  The drizzles of rain never tasted so salty. Those abandoning footsteps never sounded so clearer. And, in bizarre unexplained  ways, I never felt so much at peace for  a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 71)

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‘Which is the baby?’ Mia asks wearily observing the sonogram monitor placed next to me.

‘This one.’ Equally unenthusiastic my doctor  points at  the screen , firmly pressing on my lower abdomen with a probe.

‘Ah.’ I wince. She is indifferent to me. Again.

‘That is very small’. Almost like a whisper, Mia blurts.

‘Yeah..  ‘ My voice trails away, as i look. Shaken by my confrontation with a stranger inside me for the first time.

Tiny hands. Tiny feet. Big head. Its an alien. Nothing about it says, it’s a part of me or Will or any human on this planet.

And it looked awfully at  ease to be a foreigner, squeezed inside my womb. ‘How dare  you?’I start to sniffle .  ‘For putting me through all these…’

160. 170.182. Its heart beat escalates. It heard me. It sensed me. It felt unwanted.  And somehow, i knew it.

‘What happened? What the hell are you doing? ‘ I panic now, screaming at the doctor, who till this minute, was  completely oblivious to me.

‘Relax. Its settling down’.  She replies coldly. ‘Are you changing your mind?’

I stare at her. For  one whole minute. Saying nothing.

‘I will leave you for a while then to decide what you want.’ She wipes the jelly of my skin quickly without waiting for me to make up my mind, shuts the machine down  and leaves the room for  the two of us .

‘Carem. What are you doing?’ I hear Mia call.

‘I don’t know. But i don’t want to do this now’.

There is a baby in me. My baby. I  had dreams. Fantasies. Stories. Every words, every images  were written and  saved on my head. It was perfect. We had a house. We had  a family. And every Sunday we sat down on a balcony for a morning tea and watched our children play in a big front yard, where dogs were chasing cats, cats were after birds and birds, birds sat chirping smirking at four legs on the  branches of the big tree that they have made their  home on. The one, which  we would  decorate with lights on Christmas every December. It was perfect.

Sure, lot of things change. Had changed. Will change. Like realizing, things don’t always happen the way you want them to be. That one day, the idea of bearing child for the man you love would freak you out. But dreams are dreams. Once they nestle  into your mind, they are hard to give up.

‘Mia. I have to see Will’.

Mia stares at me with surprise. ‘What are you planning to do?’

‘Tell him, that i am pregnant’. I reply casually,  throwing off my gown and dressing up. ‘Come on. We got to catch the train back today.’

‘Do you know how you sound like right now? CRAZY!! All on  capital letters’ She  tries to stop me, taking hold of my backpack.  ‘He is never going to be on it. Don’t do this. Please..’

I can read on Mia’s eyes, how impossible it is for me to grab hold of a writer’s  pen and change my faith now.  Insane. Demented. Lunatic. I have been called all those.  I have been through it. I will go through it on repeat again. And again. And again even if i have to for hundredth  more time.

Because, it doesn’t stop. You see. The compulsion. Even if you want it to.

Someday, you will meet that person. Whose first glance will sweep you off your feet. But at the same time, leave you so hollow that nothing else will fill that void. That was Will. For me.

Mia is right. I should abandon my hope for slightest possibility of things working out between us, just because  we have a baby in picture now.  I don’t doubt, for some one who is as disloyal as he is, with my own stories of lies to unfold, he would find an easy  getaway. But, this is a chance i have to take. For me, and for a piece of me that is fighting to survive. A part of my heart still believes, a fraction of him, loves me. Perhaps, i am crazy. But, if i don’t confront him, i will never know.