(After Will. The Diary)
I wish i had been smarter. I wish i had listened to Mia when she warned me about Will. Now that i look back, i realize how foolish i had been? I was naive. I knew nothing about how mind of people works.. how minds of adult works. How someone could manipulate you so well into believing all his words and ‘puff’ next minute be nowhere. I still feel like we are playing hide and seek, and he is hiding somewhere. Only that i won’t find him anymore. Because i have given up the chase. I will never chase him, again. Can i even chase him? Mia says they put him down, 4 feet under the grave.But i don’t believe her. I still feel like we are playing hide and seek. But i won’t find him anymore. He left, and he left for good.
Years have passed since Will went away now and today i burnt all the pages of my diary. ‘I leave nothing with you behind’ his final words, echoes to my ears like it has been imprinted now into my existence. I wish i could escape, but it haunts into my loneliness. I will never understand, how a person next to us, can change us and who we are without ever intending to influence us. I will never understand, how docile and malleable can our human minds be, that at one submission of our heart we agree to abide with all kinds of rules.. Never giving a second thought in thinking that what we are doing could be wrong, even though a small voice inside, warns and pleads us to stop…
Agreeing to Will was to agreeing in tormenting myself . Faith? Luck? Whatever it was. Everyone wishes, they weren’t at that end of table. For when they are, it is a sad part of story no one wants to tell, no one wants to hear. Did Will ever think i will end up being like him? I wonder. Did he ever manipulate me? I don’t know. All i know is, at this point of my life, i will never be the same again. Even after he is gone, i still yearn for his haunting presence.
Today Mia asked me, what had i done with my hair. ‘I chopped it’ i replied. She didn’t say another word to me, like every other friend who commented, how disturbed i looked with my pumpkin head. She just hugged me real tight then started to cry. ‘We will forget everything. And begin again’ she said. ‘I already did’ i smiled at her, showing her my tuft of chopped hair neatly placed in the plastic bag. Wiping her tears away, she chuckled holding on to it and threw it in the bin. ‘No one will ever know your story, i promise’ she assured. ‘I know. I want my innocence back Mia’ I replied, my tears giving away as i told her so, watching her discard my every last memories of Will..in front of my own eyes.
I always felt so alone. It is strange, how it never occurred to me that one could still feel a higher intensity of loneliness than what i used to feel..Is there any end to depth, we can submerge ourselves in??