‘It still feels wrong’ I speak unsure, if Mia is indeed helping me solely out of heart or taking out on me for some old forgotten vendetta.
‘Trust me’ she replies.
‘And even if it was wrong. Sometimes, you have to understand it’s really okay to use people. Knowing Brandon, he will jump in first to volunteer if he knew.’
‘But the main thing is, you have to understand Carem that you don’t just give away your heart like that. You don’t just hook yourself into obsession and plan your future and weave your fantasies.. Take time. Be a better Judge. And even with that, sometimes heart will break. But it still doesn’t mean, your world will end there. You will live, You will repair, this is life.. I don’t know if I will be with James. I am pretty sure I will meet a lot of different people in my life. And I am okay with it. Because I understand nothing is guaranteed. Do you get me?’
‘Yes’ I nod, replaying her words again in my head ‘Nothing is guaranteed’. Surprised, to find out, how Mia, who was as same age as me, was emotionally more matured compared to me. How well she understood herself, her restrictions and knew how to deal with it, unlike me, whose only talent was to head straight for the disasters.
‘Just go with the flow. Let it go where it goes. Don’t control it, don’t lose it. And you will be okay’.
Later that evening, James picks Mia and Brandon picks me.Four of us, go together on a movie date. And I am glad, I agreed to Mia. Because, it was one of the best times I ever had. And meeting Brandon, changed my life in many ways.
I like Brandon. There is an aura about him, that emits a calming presence. A vibe, that gives comfort and a feeling of nearness. And although, how he is to me and how he behaves around me, may not be the real him. My nature, embraces his, like a traveler accepts the solace, the tranquillity of resting under a shade of a tree in the mid summer heat. There is no fear, no obsession for him in me. My inner demon rests in peace, knowing that, there is no necessity of control here. What I want is, what I will always get. I will never lose my balance, the assurance fills in my heart.
But this never is, with Will. With him, I can see the tides, hit the shore relentlessly. And with every strike it makes, i watch it take away, a part of the island, submerging it slowly, breaking it down till nothing is left but water and water everywhere. And perhaps it is this fear, that he will leave me in desolation. My desire to own a control over him has made me an empty vessel, a vessel of obsession. Is this me? I don’t know myself anymore.