After my last encounter with Will, i haven’t heard from him for almost 2 weeks now. I wish i could tell it has been easier, provided that i had enough practice beforehand. But, i am getting through.
Mia tells me, breaking up with Will is the best decision i have made so far. And that i should be proud of it. And i am, considering how i am holding up after more than a year long of my energy vested over him has left me.
Brandon and I are still seeing each other. We are getting better together, every other day. Last night, we even had our first kiss and he was surprised to find out, how good kisser i was. Obviously, it flattered me and i blushed into a red balloon. Noticing that, may be because it occurred to him, i felt more vulnerable now, he wrapped me around his arms the whole day. In the movie hall, in the restaurant, in the park and in the apartment. Till Mia had to break in to him, very cruelly that it was midnight and he should leave right away with James.
I like being with Brandon. And i liked, how i felt, being inside his arms yesterday. The last time we met, i recall, feeling his tension, unsure whether he should give me a friendly hug or a firm handshake for saying goodnight, instead of a kiss on my forehead, that i was so used to receiving from him. But it had changed now. Yesterday, we both had eased up and relaxed in each other’s presence. We both had pledged an unspoken vow to remain true to what we had and promised each other in unspoken words, to be devoted and be patient with each other. And, not for a single moment there, it occurred to me that i would regret it. I trusted Brandon. However.. for a very small flicker of second, i couldn’t help but wish it was Will that i was binding my solemn promise with. .
‘Concentrate Cam, Concentrate on your book’ Brandon taps on my forehead with a pencil 2-3 times, catching me stare vacantly out of the window.
‘Aw’ i cover my head with my hands, mumbling ‘don’t do that’.
‘Well you need the grades if you want to get into medical colleges. And with that hollow head of yours, you need to work a lot harder’. He grins. His smile extending all the way to his ears on both sides having caught my attention. How he enjoys doing that.
‘I am working harder. Can’t you see? And how come you are not working on your books and complaining on me? You are stuck on same question 23 since two hours’ i ask.
‘Good observation!’ My reply, utterly thrills him. And reaching under his desk, he pulls out his two hours of work proudly exclaiming ‘Behold!’
Funny emojis and doodles that look like me, now stare at me from his A4 sheets. Cloud captions that read ‘I am thinking about Brandon now’ ‘He is so cool’ ‘I like him so much’ ‘What else am i thinking?’ ‘May be i am thinking nothing at all’ ‘Oh i know what i am thinking, when will me kiss me again’ etc etc. His outrageous imagination, mocks at my absentee hilariously.
Sometimes i swear Brandon feels like a baby. Not like a teenager or 17 but a baby, still running in tri-cycle.. so excited to have discovered that there is another house with same colored fence next to his.
He has his sides. And i adore this one too. So innocent and untarnished. Unpretentious, still learning, adapting and growing up. Unlike me, who has long forgotten how thinking like that feels, how being innocent means. I wish i could go back again.. I envy him. But i can’t. I grew out of my casket too soon, and it was my choice all along to be that way. Funny how, time keeps moving forward with every seconds.. And how you waste those seconds, thinking it is just a tick on moving clock. But when it piles up and you look back later, you realize, those seconds have changed you, to a whole other person. A person, that your own past refuses to recognize and accept..
Being with Brandon makes me miss that person, i have lost in me.