What makes a person good or bad?There is rim, a very fine line between them isn’t it? A delicate balance, like a coin held in perpendicular position. How long do you think it will remain stationery?
Have you heard of Yin and Yang? In Chinese philosophy they say, dark always co-exists with light..Where there is brightness, there will always be shadows to follow it.. Order and Chaos or Heaven and hell. The world revolves in a continuous perpetual motion, bound on these two extremes. So contradictory yet dependent.. inter-connected in their roots, straining at their borders and fighting for their viability..
The integrity to me, is a fragile equilibrium, a perilous standing edge..How does one keep it from tilting?
I was raised in a perfect nurturing environment, one they would say an ideal for cultivating a good human soul. A little strict with rules too perhaps, where going to church every Sundays was a ritual to follow through without further questioning. And being an atheist, was committing a crime. Much lower in category than doing or selling drugs. Not to forget, skipping on family meals..That always warranted an hour long, one on one discussion with Dad about importance of bonding. And staying past curfew? You might have better luck kissing a frog and finding out that it was a prince than expecting a lesser harsh penalty..
Nevertheless, Kindness and good virtues were what i was taught. To be morally right. To be compassionate to others and to perform, to behave on my best at all times. To support those weaker,younger and under privileged than me. And to listen, to learn from those stronger, older and well off. Grades and Etiquette. I kept my records clean, at my best. And never in my life, had i forgotten to repay an act of kindness with equal affection and a ‘Thank You’ note as a return gesture.
But, what happens..when your mind stops reasoning? When your senses suddenly snap to primitive instincts and you are trapped, in your own bars of melancholy..
I am not a bad girl. I never considered i was. I don’t think i want to be..Why would anyone want that anyways? To be lesser, to be uglier half when you can be better..
May be that’s why, it never occurred to me, not even once, that there was a beast in my cellar. A beast, rattling in my cage, waiting for any chance to pounce.. Pounce hard and pound fast. And, when i saw Will that day, it ambushed.
My mom doesn’t understand my reasoning. ‘Why would you support that woman, who is barging in that couple’s life and breaking their home? It’s wrong. Its a sin to fall in love with a man who is married. No matter what you say, everyone knows, it’s the wife, the first one that is always right!’ She tries to persuade me on frustration after running few futile attempts to convince me, that the way i was going about it was wrong.
However, i resist to change my view. ‘Do they think before they fall in love Mom?’ I ask. ‘If they did, is it even love?’
‘I don’t know why are you thinking like this Cam. You know what? It’s just a reality tv. Half of the things they do are scripted anyways. Lets not discuss this anymore’. She replies, looking at me concerned. I’m sure she is holding back the next thing she was going to say, shrugging it off her shoulder, thinking it probably is rubbish.
‘Right’ i reply. I wish she said to me, what she wanted to say.
Because i needed to hear that. Someone needed to explain me, how do i stop thinking the way i think.. How do i stop coming with excuses to be with Will..How do i stop what i am into.. How do i reason myself..
Mom. She would never forgive me, if she knew, I stalked a man for months. A man past my age who was engaged, even before i opened up to him. That, i paced back and forth, in front of his house to come up with all the reasons why not to.. Rain or sunlight, even if it was a blizzard..i’d wait for him knowing, he would pass me by.. certain that someday, he would want me too the same way i do..