Will You Into My Will (Chapter 34)

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‘What are you talking about Brandon?’ I stammer.

A long silence. It makes me nervous.

‘I wanted to tell you about Will..about me..But i was worried, what you might think of me when you know..worried that i might lose you’. I start putting together all the possible words i could find, to come up with better explanation for my excuse. Mentally preparing in my head, in that escaping seconds, knowing what his next question was going to be, sure that  he’d be  pitching it to me, any moment now.

However, he doesn’t.

There is a episode in Grey’s Anatomy, Cam. It’s a very popular series, so am sure you know. There is a part there, in which Meridith tells Derek ‘Pick me. Choose me. Love Me’. I never thought, that i would be remembering those words  only to repeat again in my own life. So here is what i want to say you today,  because i don’t really have the guts to tell you upfront..’

‘PICK ME, cause i will always pick you over everyone else . CHOOSE ME, cause i promise, you will never regret your choice.. I will be by your side. Anddd LOVE ME, cause am the one  who loves you..And if you do too. Tell me. And  i swear, i will never love anything else or anyone else like you.’

I never heard Brandon talk like this before. Sure he threw me off once in a while with his random phrases and confusing statements, but this was different. He sounded like someone else..

‘I don’t understand Brandon. What do you mean?’ i ask, still unsure what he was implying, what he wanted me to answer or hear from me.

‘Take my hand Cam. It feels like, you are in the middle of the road sometimes.’

‘Brandon please, NO  riddles’ i beg. ‘Behaving like pieces of puzzles.. Does he know or does he not know..’ The question was eating me inside.

‘No riddles babe. I am no Rumpelstiltskin. I miss you. All this drama to get your attention!!’. His tone suddenly changes now, from a serious one to that of crackling hyena..annoying and unnerving.

I steam with anger. My temporal veins on my forehead starts to swell with pressure, throbbing  now with temper, about to erupt..

‘Brandon. How dare youuu??’ i scream, making sure, i pop out his tympanic membrane from the phone speaker alone.

‘Sorry, sorry’. He apologizes chuckling. ‘At least you know, how i feel when you leave me…’

……………..

May be there was some seriousness on Brandon’s joke. May be there was some hidden meaning behind his random utterance, some pleading behind his casual laughter. May be there was or were a lot of things, i did not get or i did not try to understand. But, i sure did not want to hurt Brandon. Yet, what i was doing was bound to hurt him.. I could have come clean when we had a chance to talk on that necklace incident. I did not love him so what was i worried about? But my instinct told me otherwise.. May be i do love him.. in  some unknown ways. For, i was  scared to lose him at that moment.. angry that he was snooping around my things, worried that he might catch me, the real me in it’s monstrous form..

…………….

 

‘Brandon, you have nothing to worry about..’ i reply.

Why did i say that.. May be i was not ready to tell him the truth yet. I know, i have to and i will.. Nothing compared to what i felt about Will.  I’d always pick him, choose him and love him. But Brandon didn’t need to hear that..not today, not now.. It isn’t like Will and i were still a thing.. That was long gone. And there wasn’t going to be anything else in near future…

‘I won’t tell him then ‘.i conclude myself, at which my subconscious hisses. ‘Slut!’

‘Ok .. i have to. Someday soon..just not today’

‘I know i don’t need to worry’. Brandon replies.  ‘You are my girlfriend. You gave me your word. And that is all, that  matters to me Cam.’

‘Yes’ i answer, quick to reply, while catching a glimpse of my image on the mirror.

Someone said to me, the distance between dream and reality is denial.. Is it this dream, that i keep seeing with my open eyes that makes me unhappy or this reality,  that i want to embrace but i can’t budge my legs to, that makes me unhappy. I don’t know..   

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