When a person does something that they feel is wrong, it is called a mistake. I emphasise on the words ‘they feel’ because, sometimes people can behave deviant. They may not consider what they are doing, to be wrong under such circumstances despite being reminded on number of occasions that acting such would be against the norm.
I didn’t know that it was a fault on my part, when i first decided that i wanted to be with Will. I didn’t see any reason not to.. They say, eyes only sees what mind wants them to see. Perhaps it was that way for me.
But the second time, that moment when i held him and welcomed him back into my arms, having known that he had just departed from other woman .. I felt something. It wasn’t pain. It wasn’t happiness. It was a feeling, more like i couldn’t breathe..that his arms around me were too heavy.. Little did i know that was what guilt felt like. That sensation, the nauseating sickening hunch in one’s gut, is what everyone referred to as ‘mistake’.
And do you know what people say about mistakes? They say, making it a third time is committing a ‘Sin’.
Now would that make me a fool or a sinner?
Will is picking me up at 1 today. He says he wants to set things right between us so that both of us can walk our own ways with no grudges behind. Or ‘heavy knots’ behind, as he puts it. Call me mad, insane if you must but, you must have guessed with all the bushes i have been beating around, my answer was ‘Yes’. Without second questioning. Needing no further explanation.
After that, i don’t know what took me hours to get ready. Because, i walked out of my apartment only on my casuals. Yes, I did have to spend some time in front of my mirror, reminding myself what my purpose of seeing him today was. But that was that. I was doing perfectly fine, nothing out of ordinary.. In fact i was happy. I was only going to see him one last time and get it over with.
But, a part of my sentiments had other thoughts.
I started crying for no reason, worthlessly pouring my energy again over someone who was never mine.
‘Hey, you alright?’ a familiar voice pauses me, as i make my way out the building door struggling to see past through with my hazy eyes. ‘Yeah ‘ I respond, wiping my eyes to get a clear view of the person.
To my dismay, i find Brandon with his arms spread out and his head bent down trying to take a peek at me. ‘Where you heading at?‘ he asks worried, noticing me flex impulsively, trying to conceal my face under the curls of my hair.
‘Important business’. I manage to blurt out two words before making a quick dash for the road. And when i set my foot at it, I start to run. Run frantically as if at that moment i had got paranoid.
Will waits for me outside his Black Ford on a parking lot of our regular cafe.
‘Hey‘ i greet him, now much calmer, trying my best to pull a smile.
‘Hey. What happened to you? You look terrible’ he replies, opening the front door of his Ford for me.
‘You’ I bark, looking at his charcoal black eyes. The pronoun, echoing only on my head, though wishing to say it out aloud. Because, inside, i was feeling miserable..terrified by the idea that after today, ‘Will, i know wont exist anymore’ anymore. .
‘Exams..’ I reply; bored, tired, beaten and detached.
‘Good lord.’ he comments. An unusual expression, i was so accustomed to hearing from him.
We drive quite far after that from where we initially met. Supposedly one and half hours away to the south.
The coastal beach of Brighton is a beautiful place to be in the midsummer afternoon of June. It’s a lively place with stunning view of the sea on the surface and the blue sky above it. The beach is lined with pebbles all along and one can see all sort of colourful umbrellas spread out like tiny mushrooms on it.
It didn’t take us long to find our own spot, nearer to the shore yet away from the crowd. We lay there soaking our eyes to the beautiful scenery, watching the waves hit the bank, wondering as we watched, for how many couples was it their first time coming here like it was for us. The place was simply stunning, full of promises of unforgettable first dates. Yet here we were..
The irony is, both of us hadn’t spoken a word till now about us, about what next after this. Only the petty talks, like two strangers meeting for the first time and trying to keep the conversation flowing. But even that was proving to be a futile attempt.. for we weren’t two unfamiliar individuals, were we? We knew each other well, perhaps too well enough to anticipate what the answer would be, even before we questioned.
People come and go as we sit there.
Waves keep hitting the sea board and the sea gulls keep flying by us, behaving their usual self..impolite, loud and chatty. Some of them trying to invade our ground, swooping down beside us, cocking up their head and making clattering noises.
Starting to feel jittery myself, i check my watch. It was past 2 hours, and now it is past 3 hours that we have been sitting here speaking nothing. His silence begins to torment me.
Within minutes, my anxiety hits the radar and looking at my watch now and then, and again and again, evolves into an involuntary response, sort of like an uncontrollable tic.
‘Stop it! Why are you checking your watch so often? It’s a last day. Can’t you at least spare a few hours?’. Will lashes at me.
‘Ok, Ok’ i murmur, caught by his abrupt behaviour, trying to restrain my own newly discovered OCD.
‘Sorry’ he apologises after a while. Then nothing. The eerie silence befriends us again.
This is when i realise, Will wasn’t going to say anything to me today. He was waiting for me to say it, just as much as i had been wanting him to say to me those wrecked words. Some one had to do it between us and if he wasn’t going to be him, it had to be me. We had to let go. And today, here, this time, we had to draw a line.
‘Will, you are free’. I spit it out finally, gauging each of my words, knowing what i say now will haunt me for the rest of my life.
He sighs, when he hears it.
‘Carem, you are free too’. He replies. His tone heavy and reluctant, almost surreal. As if i was living my nightmare and this wasn’t my reality. But it was, and i heard it.
Never in my life, I ‘Carem Magrath’ had thought that i would let the love of my life walk away so willingly.. Perhaps this was unreal..
I start to burst out on laughter that moment, laughing so hard that i almost choke to death because of it.
‘Death by laughter, Asphyxiation’. Wonder how would that sound on me??’ Paranoia hits me once again, this time in different form, with nonsense ideas fuelling my madness further more.
I laugh harder this time, rolling down on the ground. My face placed flat painfully against the hard pebbles.
It was bizarre.. The emotions that i was experiencing, that were completely in congruent to what i felt. Because honestly deep within me, i was hurt, suffering so much that i could barely utter a single word.
But I did not have a clue what tickled me, what amused me so much that i found his words hilarious..