‘I can’t move.’ I cry, trying to slip away from Will’s arms in the morning. Its amazing how the man can sleep in same position for more than 8 hours. I barely can lie still for 5 minutes.
‘Then don’t move. I still need to sleep.‘ He replies, his lips pressed against my temple.
‘You are suffocating me. And your thing is poking my thigh’ I cry again.
‘Can’t help it. It has a mind of its own’. He doesn’t budge an inch.
‘If you continue this Will, you will sleep on your bed then. No sharing’. I warn him, my tone almost threatening.
‘Ok Ok Alright’ he retreats. ‘Can’t a man cuddle his girlfriend to sleep?’
‘Yeah. But not squeeze her to death!’ I snap, sitting up, throwing away the blankets on the floor.
‘Zeez. What got you early in the morning?’ he asks, pulling the blanket back. ‘Oh i know..’ he continues again, ‘High on hormones and no sex’.
‘What?’ i laugh. This is outrageous. I pick up the pillow and hit it on his face. ‘Where do you get thoughts like that this early?’
‘You. You and You. You leave me high and dry’. He leans his head back again, this time landing on my lap.
‘Get up already. Its the first day. We need to go around‘.
Glen coe is a beautiful place, a paradise on its own. With every turn you take, you are bound to be awed by its astounding scenery. It is no surprise to know that thousands of poets, writers and photographers travel here every year seeking for an inspiration. Under its charismatic panorama of landscapes, riverscape and the cityscapes, even I, good for almost nothing individual, feel like my inner potential is thriving to come out. Who knows, the next Da-vinci or the Shakespeare of my time could be me..who knows.
We enter into an old tavern for breakfast on our way to the town centre. There were at least 20 customers like us, waiting in the queue to make an order, which was definitely not a good news for my over fed yet always starving stomach. And since, it was the only one within 5 mile radius that seemed to have a wide range of menu for selection, like rest of the visitors we thought it was worth the shot waiting anyways. After all the first meal of the day is the most important.
Our first Scottish breakfast was ‘Haggis and Tatties’, as recommended by the owner of the Tavern himself. A real joyful fellow. Apparently it was the best cuisine of the chef and was the most ordered dish on the menu. However, when it arrived, i was quite taken by the appearance. For ‘Haggis’ looked like a bloated thick sausage. Almost like a distended balloon tied on both ends that was over stuffed with minced meat on the inside.
‘Are you okay?’ Will asks, noticing me stare at my food. ‘You are not blinking your eyes’.
‘Yes’ i stammer, wounding the bloated sausage with my fork absentmindedly.
‘Its good. Honestly try it.’ He says, taking in another portion. ‘Delicious in fact.’
‘Its meat. Its supposed to taste good’ I reply looking at him savouring his food, enjoying every bite of it. The dish did have strong delicious aroma, one that makes you drool over it. ‘Its just that, i am having hard time adjusting with my eyes’.
‘Come on. It looks fine. Why don’t you start first with Tatties then, its mashed potatoes’.
When we were back to our cottage, it was already 6 pm in the evening and both of us were really tired. We had parked our car on the town area, visited a local museum, walked around a couple of villages on foot and done some grocery shopping for an entire week. Our feet were aching. And it was obvious that both of us needed to introduce some routine exercise if we intended to live long and healthy.
‘It feels like home’ i comment, unloading our stuffs on the kitchen table. ‘I mean us doing our shopping together’.
‘Yeah. Wish we could do it again later’.
‘That reminds me’ he adds. ‘We needed to talk right?’
‘Yup. But i’m too tired now. I need to take a nap’. I avoid the conversation and walk towards our room. Will follows behind me.
‘You can’t ignore it forever. You said we need to talk. And today i have been trying to talk and you are avoiding me. Why?’.
‘Ok. What do you want to talk about?’ I hiss, starting to get annoyed.
‘Whatever stuff you wanted to talk about. About us. About your guy and my fiance’.
‘Your fiance huh? lets start with her then, have you told her about me?’ I ask. Not caring to hear the answer. For i knew, he had texted her many times behind my back today. Apparently he was in Thailand for some business trip.
When he shows no motion to answer at all, i rage more with anger.
‘I knew it.’ I reply. ‘ You said to me, you will solve this in a week. And then we don’t have to be like this anymore. But you didn’t. As expected. But i don’t care. Because we came here to have fun, we have our fun and we go our own ways. At least that is clear between us’. I try to stay as calm as possible. My speech is pressured but my message to him is clear and loud enough.
‘I told you, her father has terminal cancer. And i can’t do this to her, not at this time’.
‘Yeah you always have the same excuse. The last time. The last last time. Yet i trust you. Did I ever tell you, how it feels when i see her lipstick marks on your cheeks, on your collar and sometimes on your clothes when you stand in front of me, look at me straight into my eyes and lie? You don’t even try hiding those, do you? Do you have any idea how much it hurts me?’
‘I’m sorry. But it isn’t like how you think. Those are just friendly kisses. It’s her habit. I don’t kiss her back like that. Yes. I haven’t told her about you. But she kind of knows already that we have broken off. And its all about making a formal announcement between us now’.
‘Kind of huh? Its a good word. Suits you. I suppose i can have those friendly kisses too. On my cheeks, on my neck. It must feel sexy. And oooh with those kisses how could i even stop having sex. Right?’ I grit my teeth.
Can you believe, he expects me to trust him on that?
I pull off my pants, my tshirt and throw them on the floor. Then changing back to my night suit, slipping into my bed, i mumble ‘Liar! Liar!’.
On hearing those words, Will comes stomping to my end of the bed. ‘We are not done talking. So you can’t sleep’.
‘Get out!‘ i shout, jolting away his hands from my shoulder. ‘Stop touching me!’
‘Then tell me about your new toy. Does he know about me?’ He raises his voice too.
I pull my blanket, covering my head again. ‘Why does he have to know? Who are you anyways?’
‘I am the second one. No one knows about. And you don’t want to tell about. Some one you just want to toss about.. lie to.. make excuses.. have fun with and leave..’ He rants.
‘At least you know that much’. I lash out.
‘And the worst part is, i know he is there. I sleep at night worried what might happen today. If you forgot me. If you love me less than yesterday, and love him more today. But you don’t care. And he has no f******clue, i exist. He sleeps at night knowing that you will be with him. Assured. Good dreams. But i can’t. Because, he is the one, isn’t it? He is the one you chose. And I’m the one under the blankets..hiding, being your dirty secret. You know how that makes me feel?’
‘Good i suppose. At least you know how it feels.’ i lash at him again.
I had never been so calmer when Will and i had a discussion before. But, I had been through these emotional rift so many times with him by now, that i was getting desensitised. I was numbing in my core. And as a defensive reflex to pain he inflicts, i had simply learned to stop listening.To listen by heart. And today, i had even gone a step further. I had heard what he had to say, gave him my replies and shoved the entire dialogues out of my mind to the gutter zone. There was no point. I was tired..
I always wanted Will, ever since i first met him. I do want Will. But it didn’t mean I needed him or i need him.. A person could live without want and i had learned to accept it over time being with him.
‘Not everything you want is what you get.’