Its a shame how we could really love someone with all our heart and never know, never really be sure of how they feel about us. They may mean a whole world to us and what we do, how we talk, how we feel..all of our actions, our hopes, plans and future may entirely revolve around them; but for them, we might mean nothing, nothing at all.
I find it frustrating to depend on just mere words, non verbal cues and assumptions to feel emotionally secure. What i don’t own, may never be mine or perhaps isn’t mine or was never mine. How can i rest in peace with thoughts like that?
Will is sleeping next to me. Even with his face this close, his warm breath blowing on my face, I feel unsettled. ‘He loves me, He loves me not’. How can one not be selfish to want to hold to him for life, when all i care, want and dream about.. lying right next to him is, ‘Him’. How can i not be greedy, when i can’t reason out my own self from thinking that no one will keep him happier and no one will love him more other than me.
‘ I am your person, look at me Will.’
‘Love and don’t expect’. Whoever said it, definitely didn’t know a crap about love.
Is it possible to love some one and never want to hold them? Is it love, if you haven’t brought up enough guts to confess while shaking on your knees ? Can it be love, if you aren’t awake on middle of night, planning and skimming to make your ‘perfect together’? Do you really believe, you could love someone without any expectations..?
I sigh reading the text message in Will’s cellphone. It read ‘love you and miss you’ from Ressica, his fiancee. And a reply ‘Me too’ from Will, for all the 4 days we have been together.
I don’t know what to do about it. I feel displaced. Like an outcast, intruder in a place where i don’t belong.. If this was a fairy tale, i am sure, i am the evil witch character every one loaths.
I run my fingers through Will’s face, across his forehead, along the border of his nose to his lips and to the chin.
‘This is the face, i’m in love with..’
He is heart throbbing beautiful. Its frustrating that he can’t see through my eyes how i see him. Its infuriating, that i can’t say the right words to win him over..
He is with me, but he isn’t with me at all.
‘Hey, stop staring at me. I can’t sleep anymore’. Will mumbles, fluttering his eyelids lazily.
‘Why?’. He flutters them again heavily at me. I stare in awe.
‘Don’t know. Maybe cause you look so good when you are sleeping’.
‘Try sleeping. Come here’. I move closer, digging my face flat on his chest.
‘I don’t have milk, do i ?’ he jokes, pecking a kiss on my forehead, noticing me nibble on it.
‘I know‘ i reply, turning over, pressing my back against him and pulling his arm around me. ‘Can’t help my instincts. You look yummy.’
Will chuckles. I love that sound, i have always loved it, i don’t know why.
I close my eyes. Its 5am in the morning. We are late birds, not exactly Will but for the vacation, yes. I’m contagious that way. My lethal dose of laziness strikes everyone.
However in no time, I open my eyes again. My head bends on my sides, feeling tender kisses of my partner’s lips on my shoulders, receptive to his advancing hands under my oversized tshirt. His body starts moving slowly against me..and my heart starts pounding, oddly enough in strange places..
We set out to explore the wonders of Scottish highlands again, this time, with a group of other holiday backpackers arranged by our tour guide. On our way, we see Matt and his four friends cycling past through the un hostile road. They swing their hands on air, one by one at us, waving ‘bye-bye’.
We had a good time today. Other travellers in our group, were also young couples. Friendly and enthusiastic. So, in 6 hours of hike we had all grown close enough, to exchange our phone numbers and email addressees as well.
Will wasn’t at good mood by the time we returned to our cabin. He wasn’t throwing fits or showing his usual tantrums but, he was being peculiarly very silent. He wasn’t replying to me, any of my questions verbally, except nodding ‘yes’ or ‘No’ once in a while.
It made me nervous to see him behave like that. And i am nervous, because i do have a clue, what might have ticked him off. I was talking too long on my phone today during whole of our trek, avoiding him. Sometimes walking too fast before him, and some times walking too late behind him.
‘I’m tired. Should i just put the beans, sausages and bread for dinner?’ i shout out from the kitchen, once i settle in the chair, exhausted, without taking off my shoes.
‘Anything’ Will replies from the door, startling me, his voice right behind me, his eyes scowling at me.
‘You scared me..’ i stammer, looking at him.
‘I will take a shower’. He walks off, without caring to calm me down , his eyes still scowling at me from corner of his eyes.
I hate it when he is elusive like that, when i can’t tell what he is thinking… I would give up anything if only i could read his mind for a day and understand, what really goes through that head of his. Anything’