Will You Into My Will (Chapter 14)

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‘Are you bored?’ Will asks, giving me a tap on my shoulder as he sees me in Starbucks cafe. ‘Not really. I just arrived 15 minutes ago or so.. i knew you’d be late’ i lie,trying my best to hide, the vertical creases between my brows. I sip in to my 5th cup of coffee as he orders one for himself, that now starts to taste bitter like the last dose of acetaminophen i had.

‘I had to be in this urgent meeting, something to do with annual statistics and stuffs. I am sorry’ he apologizes. ‘It’s ok’ i reply, seemingly least bothered.

‘So what is our plan teddy?’he pitches in, rather guarded, noticing the stress on my tone.

‘Good’ i remark inside my head. ‘It was movie but since we are 1 hour late. Nothing for now. You can do whatever you want’. I bark.

‘Don’t be like that Carem.. I am struggling here with my Job. The market is tough. We are having issues with our new product launches and in addition,now, i also have to deal with shitty conflicts between board members and what not. You know how  difficult it is..’he pleads

‘I don’t know’ i give him a blunt reply. ‘You should know how to manage your time well.You have 24 hours in a day, i asked you for 4 hours and you can’t even manage that. It’s one day  in a week. Just one day’.  I shoot.

‘I know.That’s why I am sorry. There is so much going in my life right now. I can’t seem to balance my personal life and working life..’

‘May be then you should throw that engagement ring off. A man like you should know, how important your career is for now’ i yap, staring at his platinum ring that engraved the name ‘Ressica’.

‘Don’t bring her in between us..please’ he begs, again.

‘Why not? You are making me!!She seems like a real catch. Why are you cheating her with me behind her back??’ i roar.

‘I am not cheating her with you. I am in love with you..It’s a different thing now’ he answers.His tone gentle as he trails off.  ‘Beside you always knew what you were in with me…’ he adds.

He is right. I always knew, what i was in with him. May be that’s why i can’t confront him on saying, he was with his fiance this past hour while, i was outside his  apartment, waiting for him to show up. He is darn right. I know well, where i am heading into..

I feel like i am driving in a highway.. at 100mph speed. On a black topped smooth road, under the cover of stars.  Flying free like a bird, floating in the air.. with the wind hitting my face and brushing my hair.. But the thing is, my destination is not the endless horizon nor the open fields neither the vastness of the desert. It’s a wall,a big, massive wall where i am driving to crash..Hoping finally it will bring me to a stop..praying this will jolt me off, of my craziness for Will.

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Will You into My Will (Chapter 13)

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I don’t get Mia. So i admit it, i was a little careless, not seeing the taxi coming my way or hearing it ‘honk honk’ like 5-6 times as Mia says. But where is Will’s fault here? Poor Will. He is still on bed, probably dreaming about his next big promotion or marrying me, someday in near future. No idea, that his greatest enemy is lurking very close to him. Right beside his girlfriend!

Annoyed, i stomp into my first class of the day. Why is it that my worst day starts with  Mrs Matthew’s class?

Second period, same old same old boring chemistry.  Hydrogen, Helium, lithium, Berylium, Boron. I am so bored!!Someone suggest Mr Davis to watch Breaking Bad. And may be teach us, how to cook crystal meth. That would be interesting.Why do i even need classes anyways, when everything is on book, if he is only going to read it out.   Almost 12. Uffff…Will send me a reply text please..

My days go by routine, following the sheet of time table the school has provided me, like every other day. Changing between the classes, walking here and there in the corridors around the campus and exchanging formal Hi and Hellos with  familiar faces. The only thing that gets me running in this monotonous life is the lunch break with Mia and Will’s text. Which today is obviously out of my supply.

Mia approaches to me very cautiously at our lunch table and it doesn’t take me long to guess why.  ‘Hi’ a boy from our chemistry class greets me casually, following Mia.   Oh yeah, i forgot. We had a talk this morning about this. He is James ‘Mia’s boyfriend’. And we are including  him on our lunch group starting today, because he feels, that i am a lesbian waiting to find out my sexuality  and sooner or later, i will steal away Mia from him. 

How much time does he need with Mia anyways?? He is with  her round the clock 24/7. The only time i get to be with her in  peace is ‘this lunch break’. He is an uninvited guest. If i am to be honest ‘Unwanted’ too.  They are doing everything together.  Assignments, coo-kings, movies every weekend.. Yet he still complains. Look at me! I have only a fraction of Will’s time  and am i complaining?

‘Hey James’ i flash out my brightest grin. I hate to fake but this is my best friend’s boyfriend.

Talk about the level of copying each other! And how dare she says i am completely influenced by Will or controlled, as she says. Even  her lunch tray has the same thing, in same proportions he has.  Tuna sandwich, scrambled eggs and half a glass of orange juice fortified with Calcium!

‘I didn’t know you were lactose intolerant’ I tease Mia, who gives me an uncomfortable stare and settles down.

‘Hey i might even enjoy this new arrangement of ours’ i gloat happily. After all, finally i have Mia’s weakness exposed, and he is sitting right there in front of me slurping his calcium fortified orange juice.

Will You into My Will (Chapter 12)

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A moan escapes me, as Will’s lips touches my Neck and tracks down to my collar bones . So soft, the flush spreads under the layers of my skin, until it reaches my face. And my cheek blushes to rose.  I  extend my neck back, involuntarily, more in arousal, holding him closer. In response, he stops along his trail and sucks in, gently a portion of my flesh.

 I get paralyzed with my frail blood vessels giving away, into  his pressure. Like being stung with poison, only that my agony is sweeter, so much sweeter than i had imagined.  My respiration becomes shallower and i start to gasp, till i can hear nothing else  but my own breath..

………………………..

‘Did you sleep alright? Mia asks, spreading  butter into her bread, early in the morning. ‘No’ i groan, yawning  at her. ‘My eyes are hurt like they have been stabbed with knife or something’.

‘Nightmare?‘ she questions.

More like a wet wet dream Mia’ i laugh. ‘ I am guilty of imagining all sort of twisted things about Will but this? I am officially a slut now. Even when i sleep, i am all over him. I am pulling him on my bed, in my carpet..

Hush hush, i don’t need to know the details‘ She stops me midway, annoyed. ‘Especially not about him’ 

‘It was crazy, i tell you..’ I throw my wicked grin.

………………………………………

All the while i walk to my  campus. I keep thinking of  the vivid dream i had about Will. It was so real,  i woke up panting  this morning. ‘Miss You’ i text as i move along the crowd of students in the side ways towards the campus gate. ‘Watch out’ Suddenly Mia pushes me, and a taxi rushes by, missing me, by an inch.  ‘F**** you!’ she screams at the driver.

‘What happened?’ i ask, pulling my innocent face. Hoping it works.  ‘This!!’ she grabs  my cellphone away.  ‘He is not good for you!Get that on your head already!’

Will You into My Will (chapter 11)

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(After Will. The Diary)

I wish i had been smarter. I wish i had listened to Mia when she warned me about Will. Now that i look back, i realize how foolish i had been? I was naive. I knew nothing about how mind of people works.. how minds of adult works.  How someone could manipulate you so well into believing all his words and ‘puff’  next minute be nowhere. I still feel like we are playing hide and seek, and he is hiding somewhere. Only that i won’t find him anymore. Because i have given up the chase. I will never chase him, again. Can i even chase him? Mia says they put him down, 4 feet under the grave.But i don’t believe her. I still feel like we are playing hide and seek. But i won’t find him anymore. He left, and he left for good.

…………………………

………………………..

Years have passed  since Will went away now and today i burnt all the pages of my diary. ‘I leave nothing with you behind’ his final words, echoes to my ears like it has been imprinted now into my existence. I wish i could escape, but it haunts into my loneliness. I will never understand, how a person next to us, can change us and  who we are without ever intending to influence us. I will never understand, how  docile and malleable can our human minds be, that at one submission of our heart we agree to abide with all kinds of rules.. Never giving a second thought in thinking that what we are doing could be wrong, even though a small voice inside,  warns and pleads us to stop…

Agreeing to Will was to agreeing  in tormenting myself . Faith? Luck? Whatever it was. Everyone wishes, they  weren’t at that end of table. For when they are,  it is a sad part of story no one wants to tell, no one wants to hear. Did Will ever think i will end up being like him? I wonder.  Did he ever manipulate me? I don’t know. All i know is, at this point of my life, i will never be the same again.   Even after he is gone, i still yearn for  his haunting presence.

……………………………………………….

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Today Mia asked me, what had i done with my hair. ‘I chopped it’ i replied.  She  didn’t say another word to me, like every other friend who commented, how disturbed i looked with my pumpkin head. She just hugged me real tight then started to cry. ‘We will forget everything. And begin again’ she said. ‘I already did’ i smiled at her, showing her my tuft of chopped hair neatly placed in the plastic bag. Wiping her tears away, she chuckled holding on to it and threw it in the bin. ‘No one will ever know your story, i promise’ she assured. ‘I know. I want my innocence back Mia’ I replied, my tears giving away as i told her so, watching her discard my every last memories of Will..in front of my own eyes. 

I always felt so alone. It is strange, how it never occurred to me that one could still feel a higher intensity of loneliness than what i used to feel..Is there any end to depth, we can submerge ourselves in??

Will You into My Will (chapter 10)

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‘I can’t control it, not touching him Mia’ i breathe out, throwing my head back on the chair, watching at the ceiling. ‘So, stay away’ Mia murmurs without removing her eyes from the book. ‘How do i do that? I am like a fish outside of water without him’ I sigh.

You are not.’ she throws a dis-approving stare at my direction.

‘You have only just started to live and there is whole world out there waiting for you. Not to mention, all type of guys’

‘I know but it will not be Will,will it? I want someone who is exact look-alike’ i hammer my point.

Look, I will help you find one ok..’ Mia answers me defeated, removing her black framed spectacle and closing down her book. ‘There are lot of look alikes in this world. He is no exception’.

‘Fine. The day you meet his look alike, an exact copy, i swear, i will leave him’ i frown, not wishing to lengthen this fruitless conversation.

Why do you dislike him so much anyways?’ i ask, a minute later with frustration piling up on me.

My best friend hates my boyfriend and i need to know why? Not that i don’t know, but i have to hear her in her own precise words.’

‘Why do i hate him?Lets see…’ Mia pretends to think.

‘Oh i don’t even need to think. First, he has a fiancee and he is with you behind her back. Second, he is a fuck guy. He will leave the next minute, he gets what he wants from you. And Third, he is like a voodoo master or something. You see him, just him and nothing,’

He doesn’t even like her’ i protest hurt, deeply wounded by Mia’s words.  ‘Clearly he is not happy with her, so he is with me‘  i add, reasoning.

Sure explain yourself Carem. You are only fooling yourself not me. The last time he dropped you off your dinner date, i saw his engagement ring. A man who wears engagement ring on his dinner date with someone else, you do the math’. Mia explodes.

This is the part, where i hate Mia so much. She will always see so much fault in our relationship. She will always point out on our flaws, Will’s flaws. She doesn’t even know him like i do. So nothing gives her right to be the judge of his character. Nothing gives her that right.

And this the part, where i cry. Because i am hurt. Because of Mia, Because of Will and Because of my own foolishness. Divided in the possibility of right and wrong. The truth was always in front of my eyes. I just  never wanted to see it.  What do you do, when your silence is  burning you inside and out?Me? I pretend,like  i feel nothing.

Will You into My Will (chapter 9)

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‘Will, i want you to show me, how and what were we doing yesterday night before i passed out’

‘What?’ Will asks surprised, stopping to look at me, while reaching out for the passenger seat door in front.

‘It is only fair that i get to experience what you experienced since i don’t remember anything’ i reply, trying to keep my best innocent front.

‘Here? On the parking lot? Are you sure?’

‘Yes’ i reply, looking back right  into his eye, so he understands how serious i am.

‘Hmm fair enough.I couldn’t even sleep yesterday night’ he smiles at me wickedly.

Once inside his black Ford, i sit on his lap, facing him front and my legs split against is thighs.  ‘Can you even move this seat back?’

‘Yeah sure. It better. I am paying big installment money for it’ he replies, adjusting his  driver seat. Now comfortable enough, i throw a nervous glance, biting my lip, placing my arms on his shoulders. ‘Where were we?..’.

‘Here’ he presses his lips against mine, with his arms tightly wrapped against my torso. His force, constricting me to suffocation, wedged between his chest and muscles. Just the way i want it, with nothing between us but a thin layer of clothes.

I do remember what my first kiss felt like. There is nothing like first kiss. The tension, the fear, the eagerness. At first it is wet. Like actually wet from saliva in your mouth. But then, you close your eyes and let go..And it is a whole different thing. It makes you one, in many undefined ways.. It is magic, with all the thing your body makes you feel. The beating of the heart, the gush of adrenaline and that mindless serene emotions of belonging..

But then, it is wrong to say nothing is better than first kiss. It is special alright but second kiss tops.

I keep jostling with his tongue now. We are playing hide and seek. He is running, i am chasing. I am running, he is chasing. At times, i get demanding. At other times, he does, till i get the control back. And sometimes, we both run off and let ourselves venture on trail of kisses across our forehead, face, chin and down to neck.

The third kiss will only get better..i know. And I can’t wait to have more. Will belongs to me.

Will You Into My Will (chapter 8)

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I meet Will at the  Sherlock cafe. You wouldn’t believe how good he looks with grey hoodie and a pair of black trainers. I only hope, i am looking good enough so he doesn’t think, i was an off choice.

Thanks to Mia again,Acetaminophen did a fine trick to my head. I feel fresh now. After attempting to look myself at my private parts, a number of times with hand mirror, wall mirror and what not, i am doubtful if anything happened between us. Not that i would know, if it did. How would i know? It was my first. But the  thing is, I don’t feel sore down there. And my stuffs look  intact, like they used to be.  Internet says, i am still a virgin, if i am to fully believe it.

Then why the text early in the morning??  Those three words at 4am. Mia said, he brought me home at around 12. Didn’t he know, i was knocked off by then?

Hey, how are you doing?’ Will asks settling down relaxed next to me, after leaving a peck on my cheek.

‘Fine’ i reply, my heart fluttering, with my jaw starting to tense. ‘Why is he kissing on my cheek? He should be kissing on my lips now.’

‘Do you remember anything about yesterday?You were so drunk..’ he mocks

‘Yes about that…i don’t remember anything’ i reply nervously. ‘What did actually happen?’

‘Oh..’ I can see a sudden look of disappointment in his eyes. ‘I wish you’d remembered..’ he says.

‘what? Did i really forget the one thing i am supposed to remember?’ i start to panic. ‘Tell me please..i have to know what happened yesterday? Did you use condom?’

‘What?’ Will freezes. Then starts laughing so hard, till he is bangs his hand and rests his head on our table.

‘What are you talking about, Carem?Why am i supposed to use that? Oh..you think we had sex? did you?’ He laughs again.

‘We did. Didn’t we?’

‘I wish we did. It was so hot in there. i was so high. And i can tell you were too..’ he winks his eyes.

‘Uh..huh’ i reply embarrassed, curious and excited to hear his version of story.

‘We were steaming up alright. And then you slept on me like a little teddy bear, your arms locked around my neck and head resting on my shoulders. You were so cute..’

Oh no..not the cute word’ i curse myself in my head and manage to pull a fake goofy smile. ‘so we just kissed..?‘i ask again.

‘Not just kiss Carem, that was the hottest kiss i ever had’ he flashes a very fulfilling smile at me. And you couldn’t imagine the height of excitement i felt at that moment. I knew exactly how an over-inflated balloon felt like, floating so high in the air..knowing, it could reach the soft white clouds,  any time soon. Nothing was beyond my grasp. Dreams do come true.