Can this be love?
That despite all the flaws you see in the person and in your relation, you wouldn’t want to let go of their hold? That despite knowing, the person you want may never really want you back and in your infinite world of happiness, you would never truly be happy, you still wouldn’t let go.
How happy am i? Or i ever was? I don’t know. I don’t think i will ever know.
One moment i hate Will. The next moment, i cry. I can’t even tell apart, what part of my feelings are stronger. If even one of them was, my mind would at least have been at ease.
I hold Will’s hands and stare at him.
I could still feel the tracks left by the shawl when it constricted his wrist, the ridges and depressions it left behind; distinct, sharp and overwhelming on senses of my fingers.
‘I will be fine’. He answers, looking at me, without even a tint of worry on his voice or his face.
‘Clearly this man has no idea what he is into…’ I feel like mocking his stupidity, knocking some senses on him then and there, but this was no time.
‘What happened? I heard noises’ he asks, when he sees me return with a bucket full of ice.
‘Some of the ice trays broke.’ i reply bluntly. ‘Put your hands here. It will help your pain and swelling’.
He doesn’t question and digs them into the cubes. Next few minutes we sit there without talking. It was one of those odd times when silence between us was just too awkward.
‘Are you stupid?’
Will raises his brows at my abrupt question.
‘Its been more than 3 minutes Will and you still have your hands buried under the cubes!’
‘You asked me to.’
‘ Smart people are smart enough to know when it starts to hurt!’. My jaws tense as i say that.
‘Ok!’. He removes his hands looking at me and places them at my eye level for my visual confirmation.
I was doing it again, directing all my anger and frustration over and at him.
Nothing had changed much really except his swelling. I don’t understand what i was so heated up for, the world wasn’t going to crash if i stayed calm for three minutes.
‘Sorry.’ I mumble. ‘If you put your hands longer on ice, it will actually do you more harm. You are supposed to alternate it. Take it out and put it back in. Immerse only 1 minute or so, take out and immerse again later.’
‘Hmm. Yeah. Sure’ he replies awkwardly. Then back again, we have our silence.
‘Why are you so angry now days?’ Its his turn now to bombard a sudden question.
I crease my forehead. Honestly, it wasn’t unanticipated. But till now, i hadn’t really come up with an answer.
‘I was never like this. Ever since you dropped in on my life, i can’t really tell whats going on with me’.
Will laughs, his beautiful laugh.
He thinks i ‘m trying to woo him away with my flimsy dialogues. He thinks its too sleazy, too cheesy or too corny for me to mean it. If only he knew, i am honest. He changed me in many ways. For better or for worse.
An hour later, our moods are different.
I am lying on bed, half naked down below, with a blindfold on my eyes with the same shawl.
I do know, its all about kinky sex. And has a lot to do with me saying, ‘you are not good enough’yesterday. But i really have no clue whats on his mind.
How often do you hear, about a monster on bed? About things men want to do, which their partners don’t like, don’t want to do but are forced to.. One moment it is consensual and other moment it turns into a rape. News, medias, internet; people with unhealthy sexual fantasies, doing demeaning things, hurting people, playing with lives. All for sex’.
Is it wrong for me to get worried at this point? But then again, what has it got to do with me trusting him? People are what they are. What if Will is one of those people, who is looking forward to gain pleasure asphyxiating me, drowning me, duct taping or even stuffing me with things? Now that we are ready to push our boundaries.
‘Are you ready?’ I hear excitement on his tone.
‘Yes..‘ My ‘yes’ comes out as a stammer, rather than a confident response.
He separates my legs, pushing them up against my thighs then. And in no time, his fingers starts stroking my pleasure spots. A long gasp of air, and I had only begun to breathe it in, when he plants his lips on it.
‘I can handle that. We have done it before….’ I breathe out. But his hype of eagerness was making me more restless than i should be.
More strokes and i start to moan tightening my abdomen. All my focus suddenly concentrated now on the nub between my inner lips and his.
‘Oh my God…!!This is insane.’ I explode.
Humans. We were designed with a flaw, a natural weakness on our physique aren’t we?
I remove my eye fold to bend my head over and look at him and, i can’t help smiling. But he is clearly not happy. ‘You are not supposed to do that’ he rants.
‘But i’m done. You should know, you can’t tickle more, if you don’t want to get in.’ I laugh again. The look he has is actually disappointment.
‘That was too fast’. He frowns. Genuine disappointment. Can you believe that?
‘Not my fault.’ I protest. ‘You aren’t happy when i don’t come in, you aren’t happy when i come in. What do you want? Is it about me saying you aren’t good enough?’
‘Of course not!’ he defends. Seen a kid with wrapper on his hand and openly, courageously lie, looking into your eyes saying that he didn’t eat the chocolate. Adorable, isn’t it? But you know he is clearly lying.
‘If i’m not good enough, you wouldn’t be moaning ears off these walls. I’m sure Matt has hard time sleeping’.
I didn’t even ask for explanations. And he is defending. I smile. Guys and ego, i just don’t understand.
‘I didn’t mean it..I was just mad.’ I try to calm him down.
‘Of course you didn’t mean it. You keep begging for it.’ Now that, was getting over my head.
‘No i don’t!’
‘Yes you do!’
It has become a game for us, this thing, trying to make the other back down.
‘Ok. Yes I do. So, before i wear off my high, why don’t you get in?’. I open my legs again and taunt him. Last thing i want to do is fight.
‘Then lay back in. And i want the folds back’. He demands.
‘Cause I want them back. I want you close your eyes and concentrate on where i am rubbing you.’
‘I can’t concentrate with my eyes open’.
I put my blindfold back. I am not happy. Something about the folds, they make me really nervous. Or is it the idea, that he might shove something else down my canal, i don’t know.
He inserts it in. I know this feeling. The pulsating beat, the stretching of my rugae. I can hear him gasp softly too on the background. A short gasp, on every thrust he puts. Its sensual, its arousing.
I move along side as he bends, extend as he extends moulding to his hands. The friction gets easier, slippery, short lived and faster.
‘Don’t’ he whispers, clutching my hand, as i move it to my face to remove the shawl.
‘It makes me nervous..’
‘Trust me,’ he locks my hand above my head.
‘ I want to see you’
‘Not now. Babe, just concentrate on yourself. No kisses for now’.
‘What does it mean no kisses? How can i concentrate when i can’t see you and now i don’t get a kiss? Let me out of it’
There is a pause. A pause of seconds, that feels like a millennium in a world without sight.
‘Babe,’ he begins. ‘Don’t you have a fantasy guy you ever wanted to hook up with?’.
He is calm and clear with his question. I can see even with my eyes closed, his determination gawking at me, convinced to take it all through. And i can’t talk him out of it.
‘For this time, just this once, imagine i am him. I can be your Leonardo , Channing Tatum whatever you want me to be. But whoever is it, however it is, imagine it.’
‘I know what you want. Women don’t always come. I may not’. Its pathetic how i am reasoning. But at least i am making my point.
‘You have to..’
‘I already did!’
‘Its not the same thing.’
Men are weird creatures. Its strange how their brain is made to function. Sex and emotions can be two separate and complete different things. And they expect the same for us, to segregate it.. To imagine someone else while i am having sex with him. How is it even possible? We have an emotional bondage. You can’t put a blindfold on my eye and let my insecurities escape. You can’t manipulate my body into deceiving my brain or my heart.
But, what did i know?? Apparently you could. Close your eyes and vanish your problems away.
I came that day, over and over again. Not knowing who was on his mind or even mine. And it was, the most revelling experience in my life..