Will You Into My Will (Chapter 60)

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‘Hey’ Matt was the first one to break the silence, extending his hand forward to greet Will’s. However, his hand remains still in the air for a long while, midway between them, before Will reaches it to meet with a firm handshake.

‘Hey’ he says as if he saw Matt just now and as if that minute long uncomfortable pause he took to respond him did not occur at all. ‘Thank you for bringing back her home safe’, he adds, clutching further tight Matt’s Hands and pointing his eyes shrewdly on me.

‘No problem’.  Matts face looks both anxious and confused. Facing me, unaware of the complexity of situation between us, he throws me a questioning glance.

I pull over ‘my blank face’.  I wish i knew. Even i didn’t feel like i know anything much about the person i was sharing my roof with.

The eeriness begins to settle back again, with Will still sitting tight lipped between us. Seeing no escape out of this discomfort zone, i decide to sprint in. ‘Matt Thank you so much for everything again. I think we should call it a night’. 

Matt smiles. He definitely got my message through. But strangely, seemingly oblivious to my request, he decides to hangout further . ‘That’s ok. You guys leaving us tomorrow then?’ he asks.

I look  at him baffled. However, Matt completely ignores my inquiring gaze. It didn’t occur to me before this that Matt could be rude too.  But again, what do i know.. I don’t even know Will.

Then,  changing his stance  to side ways so that he is facing Will, up front directly and i’m completely off his view, Matt quizzes again.  ‘Its tomorrow right?’.

I panic alternating my gaze between two men, who were both way above my eye level. The irony is, only thing i could see from this  height was their flaring nostrils, puffing air out forcefully.

‘Why is Matt saying that? He doesn’t even know’.

I curse me, for venting out my secret to him.  To some guy i had just met, who was taking advantage of my situation now.

Will looks at me, his eyes neutral without any expression, with no glint of curiosity nor anger on them.

‘What tomorrow Matt?’ I stammer, avoiding him; praying desperately Matt doesn’t decide to further prolong this chitchat.

He doesn’t. Tracing my forearm all the way to my fingers that were now curving over Will’s waist, he throws us a weak smile.

‘I must have been confused. We talked about a lot of things today’.

‘You must have’. I reply, rather impudently, desperate to end the conversation.

‘Ok Goodnight folks. Carem, you take care.’

‘We will Matt. Thanks’.

I turn around quick, dragging Will with me as i walk.

………………..

 

As soon as our the front door is closed, i push Will away from my arms. ‘Goodnight’ i snap and walk ahead to my room.

‘No you don’t!’ he stops me, holding the knob of my door, pulling it shut. ‘Why were you with him?’ 

‘Nothing you should be concerned about!’. I force open the door anyways, despite him leaning against it and slam it close in front of his face, making sure it was loud enough to shake the pillars; hoping it would pop open his ear drums. That way, i wouldn’t have to tiptoe around the house tomorrow while i walk out.

Then, i latch the door quickly in case he decides to barge in. ‘Stay Out. Don’t Disturb!’. 

‘You wish!’ He mumbles. His voice clearly audible  through the thick ply wood.

‘Whatever.’

……………………..

I was changing my clothes when suddenly a loud knock on my door startles me out of my breath. ‘Fuck off!!’ i scream, still holding my hand to my chest. ‘There is a limit till which a girl can tolerate a man, doesn’t he know?’   

Nope.

He knocks again. More louder, using his fists. Again and again.  Even Matt and his drunk friends next door must be awake now.

What?? Can’t you see, it’s 4 in the morning?‘ I lash at him, jolting open the door. My temper, running all the way down to my toe beds from my scalp skin at the vertex of my skull.

Who cares? I want to sleep’ Will hisses, shoving me against the wall with his pillow and heading straight to bed.

‘You have your room. I left you a good one!’ 

‘No sheets.’ He tosses my blankets and slips in.

There are 3 extra sheets!’ I bark. ‘On the cupboard. Did you check there?’

‘All dirty’. He replies.

‘They were clean yesterday!!’

‘Not today.’

I walk, stomping my feet out of the room to the main room and to the cupboard. 3 sheets. All stained with coffee.

…………………………………….

‘Get out! That’s my bed’. I growl, standing by the bed side, glaring at him, knowing he is doing everything on purpose.

‘No sheets’ he replies again, without even bothering to remove the blanket from his face.

‘Sleep on the sofa then. Not on bed.’ I hiss again.

Where?‘ he asks, in disbelief, peeping through now.

‘Wherever. Not here!’ 

‘Come on. Its too small. I’m not gonna eat you!’

‘You might! I can’t be sure.’

‘Shit.‘            He marches, stomping his feet as well to the sofa, grabbing his pillow, which grips me by surprise. I was expecting a full head on collision this time.. stay or leave,  live or die kind of situation. There was none.

……………………………………………

I toss around side to side in my bed. ‘Why are you staring at me? I can’t sleep.’ 

‘My eyes. My decision’. He replies, his statement provoking again my temper.

I close my eyes. There was no point arguing. I had to sleep. My alarm was set for 5am, which meant i only had half an hour to get some rest. ‘May be i could make it 6am. That would give me one and half hour for sleep. And by then Will would be asleep too’. I make  a mental plan, set my timer to 6am, then grab my pillow to put it to my foot end.

I was about to sleep when i realise, i had forgotten to pull down the heavy curtains. For now, the morning light was peeping through the light ones directly into my face, hurting my eyes. Too tired to get up, i compromise; pull over the blanket covering my head and squeeze my lids close. However, i can’t still sleep.

‘Oh God!!’.  Will’s gawking face, startles me again. ‘Stop staring like that!‘ i snap, clasping close my blanket to my neck.

‘My face is much better than my feet‘.  He replies.

I turn away from him, to the opposite side, pressing my pillow on my face and covering my ear.

‘Why were you out with him?’. That annoying loud voice again.

‘Carem, i want to know.’

‘Shut up!’. I bounce upright from my bed and throw my pillow at him. ‘You are taking this too far. I just want to sleep.’

‘I can’t believe you can even sleep after what you have done to me.. You are always searching for one wrong thing i would do, so you can have your excuse to do whatever you want. Isn’t it?’ He babbles.

I take a long breath. Then without speaking a word, lie back to sleep, leaving my pillow lying on the floor.

‘I don’t know what you want from me. You tell me, i am indecisive and  i am not taking a stand. And you don’t feel secure..But what about me? You are worse.’

‘I am like this because of you.. Because you are never sure.’

I stay still. Locked lips. Silent. Sometimes, silence is the best answer and silence is the best way out.

‘Carem did i just waste my whole year on you? Was it nothing but for fun?’ 

‘Am i something that you can pull and push away whenever you want?’

I stare at him, not breaking my gaze even for a moment. I wanted to have one close look at this person one last time when he spoke like that. But, in my mind there were number of thoughts running relentlessly,  all of them starting with  same opening ‘How dare he…’

I walk to his side of the sofa carrying a shawl in my hand. My intentions were clear.  ‘To strangle him to death..’, at least that’s  what came across my mind at first. But, stopping in front, ‘Will lay out  your hands‘ i ask politely.

He looks at me confused. But does so, without questioning. I tie them together, pulling the cloth across his wrists, over and through the loop  to secure a tight knot.  If he was going to stop me tomorrow i was making sure he didn’t. I had to.

‘What for?‘ he asks.

To let you know, i loved you all i could. From all possible ways i knew how to. But i can’t go on. Tying you down, i will cut myself loose’.

Will looks at his knot. ‘You should have done it earlier while you could. Might have saved us all those dramas.’

‘I should have. I did a lot of mistakes’.

He doesn’t listen to me though. He keeps himself busy with the knot, forcing apart his hands, trying to untie it. ‘Shit’ he frowns, seeing the knot become smaller and tighter, with his attempts.

‘Don’t pull your hands out too much, it will hurt you’.

‘As if it already doesn’t! But again its very less compared to shit you make me go through’. He rasps.

I stay quiet again. It hurts me more, when he gets hurt. He doesn’t get it.

Will’ you might find someone much better, prettier and everything that i am not. I may never be. But you will never find some one who loves you more than i do’.

‘I will!’ he snickers at me with a mean smile. ‘Everyone loves me more than you do. Even a stranger  if i spend a few hours with him. But You, You can’t love anything or anyone. I feel sorry for you!’

‘May be.. But you will know what i mean someday.. When you fall in love, When you miss me, so much that it begins to hurt.. But, i won’t be here that moment..’ 

‘Believe me. I won’t miss you as much as you think.’ He pulls a smug face again.

 

 

”I tear down. I cry. As much as i would like to believe that he would miss me someday, he might never.. He hurts me. Every time i try to get close to him. He hurts me. Every time  I try to understand him. He hurts me.”

”I have to get away, away from him and save my self.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Will You Into My Will (Chapter 59)

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I tread along behind Matt to the table from where 8 pairs of eyes were peering eagerly at me. From the way they looked, i could tell that they were anticipating me to fall anytime soon. Fretful, i might indeed, and make a big joke out of myself, I slow my pace down; focusing my energy, channelling all i could into that 1 millimetre square of small surface area my heels were depending upon for supporting my delicate, baby hippo body.

As i walked, I prayed that i wasn’t doing those typical ‘i am so drunk’ waddling walks alcoholics do, with their feet stepping wide base apart, trying not to sway too much on either sides. ‘Please God i don’t want to look like i have boils on my butt cheeks’ i begged. 

The distance between the bar counter and Matt’s table wasn’t that big, just 15 steps at maximum to be exact,  but it was costing me an effort of a life time. A girl suffering from social anxiety disorder; place her in a ramp and ask her to walk on it with 5 hunks as audience.. Yeah, that’s how i felt. But at least this wasn’t the worst case scenario for tonight. The worst case would have been, me showing up here with 5 inches heels, which was the initial plan. 

Yup, that pointy uncomfortable block of plastic, Mia had given me for my 17th birthday! What were her intentions with those? Of course she sugar coated it with sweet words,Hey shortie, you can now match Brandy wearing these..But  i doubt. She could have been skimming a lot of things with it.. like, wanting me to stumble down and break my leg, so that she could have some alone time with Brandon. Or may be hoping that i have a fall on it and fracture my cervical spine, so that i end up being paraplegic!  Like  reaalllllllly what were her intentions?? 

Between that time i took to cover my fifteen steps, i thought over and over about a lot of things..

I don’t quite know why i was getting so angry at Mia for. Had i not been smart enough, to sneak back into the cottage  and change my shoes, thus minimising the possible hazard with extra 2 inches? Had i not been swift enough to run out, before Will had caught up to me?? Oh, i miss that look he had, i only wish i could see that often..that look of dismay on his face.. It brightens my heart. 

‘What???  I still don’t get it, how i could be thinking about all these stuffs when i am so stressed here hanging both for my dear life and my dignity. This is insane.’

‘Let me help you’. Luckily Matt extends his hand before taking his seat, to help cover my last 2-3 steps, saving me from possible humiliation and another flood of paranoid thinking.

‘Aw…’ One of his friends lets out a teasing cry.

‘Come on Guys, Carems a guest. Behave.’ Matt hushes him chortling, his face gleeful like i had first seen him today. ‘Oh, don’t mind me’ i smile, trying to look less awkward, settling next to him and a similar look alike of his.

 

I am feeling like Jack, lost on the world of giants after he climbed up that bean stalk now.  Maybe more like princess Thumbelina, feeling so tiny;  sitting on Matt’s table surrounded by his humongous group of friends.

Matt was the smallest one and trust me when i say ‘smallest’ its only when comparing to others. Because for me, Matt too was ‘big’, not ‘huge’ but ‘big’. As in, if kept in room full of ordinary people Matt would stand out with his athletic build. Or if we talked in animal language, to be clear, Matt would have been a wolf in a room full of dogs. Now, think all others in his circle were bigger.

The ‘Wolf.’   It actually suits Matt, if i am to give him a nickname now.  His dark hair, dark eyes, mouth watering beautiful biceps, sharply bordered neck lines, prominent shoulder blades…. Well, everything about those features talks ‘Wolf’. Doesn’t it? ‘Woof. Woof’ Oh why am i barking? A Wolf doesn’t bark, not the grown up at least.. Wait a minute! Everyone of them here looks like one. Could i have bumped into some mystical non human creatures or half human creatures by luck? How cool is it that i am sipping a pint of ale with them then?

A pint of another drink, to my already booze drunk  body continues to do its wonders. I have never heard people talk about hallucination when they are drunk, but i am pretty sure i was starting to. Even when they laughed, i was beginning to hear them howling.

Its fun to be in company of men, who are all in one.  Humorous, smart and nice. And although, in a group ‘Matt and others’ looked and behaved very similar; tough adrenaline junkie boys  with wanderlust, it was becoming very interesting for me to discover each of their individual traits. Each, had their own distinctly different personality, worlds apart between them.  Like Jason, a very much look alike of Matt, and who also happens to be his first cousin, was an old soul. Mozart’ type of guy. Quiet, pleasant and keeping things to himself. Aaroon on right to him, was more of into punk, with metallic spikes on his right ear, 6 of them in a row and and  one pierced on his chin, just below his lower lip. He was more out spoken than the rest, which  explains him teasing Matt.

Sitting  in front of me was Ros. Still heavier and more built than the rest. He struck me as more authoritative figure with his stance and style of talking. And it didn’t take me long to find out why. He was from a military background family. Nonetheless, he was  equally pleasant and he had this ‘brotherly figure’ for everyone.  A group of this dynamic, must surely have  a strong reef to anchor with him on board.

Still next to Ros was Sean. I was told that, Sean was the comedian in the group. But i couldn’t figure out anything about him on my own. We didn’t talk much except hi, hello and the introduction part, since he dozed to sleep right away after. Happens, he had boozed off more than enough  for the night. First with some new friends in other club and second with us.  ‘‘Wow, some people know how to party unlike someone, who shows up looking  like a stripper, as if a pole wrapped in thousand watts of colourful bulbs and sits here doing nothing but stare like  grandma with dementia!!”. That was what my response was to myself when i heard about him, filled with envy.

At last, of course there is Matt. ”A pleasant mix of everything of those traits, i suppose..”

‘Carem” Aaroon interrupts  me, in the middle of my jargon thinking. ‘How come your guy is not with you?’ he asks.

‘Oh…ummm’ i stammer. What was i suppose to say, why i was drinking alone with bunch of guys i just met, past 3 in the morning??

Noticing me struggle to answer, Matt pitches in for rescue. ‘Lets talk about something else..’

Ah, that’s okay.. Will was working tonight. And i wanted to enjoy my last night here. Check out the pub i mean’ I reply. My answer half truth, half lie.

‘Hmmm, you like the ale, don’t you? Its home made.’

‘Yup’ i smile.

Half hour down, I’m heading home in the cab with Matt. Rest of the group are behind us. At the end, the night had been ‘fruitful’ if not ‘very fun’. I had gotten myself drunk but managed to remain sober some how and earned a delightful companionship of good looking men. What more is there to ask?

Matt is sitting back relaxed with his head laid back on the seat. He looks extremely gorgeous right now.  His neck is extended with a prominent protruding notch on the middle of it, featuring  his beautiful muscle lines, extending from the jaw to his shoulders.  On his sleeveless black Tee with wide cut on arms, it doesn’t take me much effort to trace down from there to his arm, to his hand then to his fingers.    His sun kissed skin is beautiful too and so is,  his hair, border of his nose and his plump lips.  Quietly,  i steal a glimpse of those, reading them individually, now and then, again and again; my eyes hooked strangely on him.

I sigh. A deep sigh, hearing which he immediately springs back to check from his light sleep.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks.

Yup’ I lie. No one is okay, being in a closed space, sitting next to guy like Matt, especially with troubles harassing their  minds. But who would tell him? Not me.

I look away, realising, I am getting attracted to this man by every passing minute. And this wasn’t just my alcohol talking. He really was an attractive guy.

The taxi stops. And as soon as it does, i struggle to get out. I didn’t want another headache, i had enough to go on with in my life right now.

‘Hey’ Matt follows me, worried i might stumble with my heels on, on a pebbled road. I probably was doing my drunk duck walk, judging by the way he was hurrying after me.

I stop for him to catch up with me. Then, taking out my shoes and carrying them on my hands, i thank Matt for his pleasurable company giving him a tight goodbye hug. ‘You guys are amazing! Wish we had more fun time together’ i add.

Matt smiles. And before he could reply, Will’s voice interrupts us. ‘Finally. There you are’. he says.

Immediately withdrawing from Matt’s comforting arms, i turn my head to look at him, reflexively, as though someone had just given me a light electric shock. Will stands at  the door, his eyes staring fixedly at me, holding it half open with one hand and carrying a cellphone on the other. My phone vibrates on the  bag responding to his call. Three times, before he stops it approaching us, his stance upright and his muscles tensed.

My mind is alert now with fear or with guilt i don’t know. He paces steadily, his aura marching before him like a thick mist of shadows, engulfing the weak beam of sun rays surrounding us that had narrowly escaped the night. And even with my mind fully awake, aware of the present, i couldn’t tell  apart whether i was hallucinating this or it was for real, these black silhouette forming around him. He looked peculiar, the black part of his eyes covering more than third of his margins, glazing with anger  and with bitterness, as if the eclipse has been set and the door to the third eye has been swung open. I stare at him without blinking for minutes, the moistness of my eye rubbed dry by the chilling wind. My deepest fear had come to life..

Will wore a black inner vest  and a black trouser. With him, he carried a strange energy, a commotion of  a disquieting sensation.. Walking to us, stopping by,  it felt to me like he was invading our space, displacing our existence from here into loops of his unceasing dark aura. The only thing missing on him now, were a set of pitch black feathered wings and a black metal halo floating over his head.. 

 

A Personal Note :)

 

 

Thank you very much for reading ‘Will You Into My Will’. I cannot be more grateful enough for your support with likes, comments and follows. Some of you even left me with 10/ 12 likes on a day.. Did you honestly read all those pages? 😉 I only hope i can keep up to your expectations.

Please continue to love ‘WYIMW’.  Like, follow, comment, share whichever you want, everything is appreciated.  ((AM ALWAYS STARVING FOR ATTENTION!! PEOPLE BEWARE!! AM ANNOYING THAT WAY!! BUT M TOLD, am a cutie pie! 😉  )) I will keep pursuing it with my best effort as well. Its almost on the third quarter at the moment.  I can’t believe i have put forward 58 pages already! I had been so unsure to put even 1 chapter at first. But, your ‘likes’ kept me going..

I’ m a loyal follower too. Please keep posting your great works. When i visit your blog i will definitely leave a ‘like’.(Comment too once in a while, cause am not very good with those. And that’s only because you guys are so awesome that you leave me blank for words when i read your works!).

 

FLowers are beautiful..So are feelings. Aren’t they?? I am leaving you today with handful of beautiful flowers i found on the internet. Of course they are not mine.. They belong to their respective photographers. But you get my gesture, don’t you? 🙂 Enough with roses for this post.. please your eyes with lotus, orchids an….

Happy Blogging. XOXO.