Will You Into My Will (Chapter 58)

 

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I regretted my decision of ‘blasting my night out’ plan, as soon as i stepped in the pub. Ever seen a disco ball hanging down the ceiling of a library? I looked that disoriented to time and place in here. Over hyped and over dressed; for a small country club filled with men, majority of them on their sweat shirts and trekking shoes. Without any doubts, with my open back, V neck plunging down to my almost non existent cleavage on front and see through net just covering my bellybutton, i looked like a hooker to them.

‘So much effort for nothing! What happened to all the party and all the hot people they had in here last time??’ I frown, devastated at my crumbled expectations.

Thank God for the bartender though, who looked cute and kind enough to spare me a smile, i calm myself down.  ‘No problem. There is my company..’ I tell myself, refusing to go back to that sickening feeling of standing next to Will, marching my steps towards the last ray of hope glimmering dimly next to shelves full of bottles. ‘Why is it that, all the good things in the world come with a big price tag? Like all roses come with prickly thorns? Will came with his Fiancee, Brandon came with Mia and now, the bar tender is standing with alcohol!! Not just one but with hundreds on display. Lord help my liver..’ I pray,  pulling out a chair before settling down in front of him.

‘What would you like?’ He asks me cheerfully.

‘Anything you would recommend.‘ I reply looking at him with a flirtatious grin.

Bingo! He grins too. As frisky as i was looking and feeling, i was happy he did.  After all, my devotion for next few hours was entirely going to be on him. Solely and full heartedly. Tonight i was a free spirit, bound to no one’s beck and call. Oh wait! i never was and i never will!” I remind myself, feeling proud at my decision of leaving Will anytime soon, without a penny worth of feeling  harbouring in me.

The bar tender pours me a glass of Gin, ‘a cocktail’ of Gin and lemon drink. I don’t question him any further than the recipe, complimenting on the taste, afraid of appearing too naive. But he  didn’t seem to care about it either and was more  interested in adding to the conversation plate than digging in the details,  for which i was more than grateful to him.

“Gin tastes similar to vodka i think. Although both are colourless, i found Gin has got a distinct touch of a flavour on it. I really can’t tell which but its got one, that makes it stand out between the two. So, I think i like gin more than vodka. I think..”

‘Here is  one on the house for the beautiful lady’ the bartender puts forward another cocktail for me flashing his dazzling smiles on a row.

 ‘I don’t think that will be enough for me to heal up my broken heart Ethan..’ I whine playfully at him, making a disappointed face having heard about his girlfriend and 4 long years of committed relationship. However, casting my dis pleasure aside, i manage to  pull a smile for him and raise my glass on the air wishing him all the luck i could give. ‘Cheers to you and your love life’!! I say, praying in my heart that someday.. someday  i ended up with someone as cool and as loyal as him as well.

I sip my third glass very slowly. From my previous experience, i knew two glasses of vodka was enough to knock me out but ‘Gin’ i didn’t know.

The old pendulum clock on the wall strikes 12 times as i sit there  holding a glass  of my own on the bar. People come and go. I watch Ethan take orders, hand them their pints and print the receipts. Simultaneously  I watch the customers make their orders, take their drinks and pay the bill.

More than 2 hours or so of being a bystander with nothing to do,  but watch Ethan’s monotonous routine, i start to quiver, feeling like old men they cased on movie shows. Those who were depressed, hopeless and had nothing  in life to look forward to, than drown themselves to death on alcohol. Those who were always in lookout for company to crack their dark non humorous jokes that no one understood. 

 Sitting there i start to  wonder about  many things.. About the lives of few people i had seen, who had drank too much and ruined everything they had. I start to question, why hadn’t they set a limit for themselves? And if they did, why they had fallen back to  drinking again?  ‘Could it be that they felt, alcohol helped with their problems? ” I ask  my subconscious self, genuinely trying to plough for answers.

Ever listened to a drunk man speak?

Not for minutes but at least about for an hour? Here is what happens. They talk crap at first, nothing but verbal diarrhoea.  But as they get in more involved with the topic, they start making more sense. They start talking like they have been enlightened. Like if they know all the answers to all the problems in the world except for their own of course.. And 3 glasses cocktail down my stomach, I was feeling  the same.  May be a bit different, in a sense, I knew my options clearer than they did and i knew what i had to do next. “I had  to go back. Take my suitcase right away. Throw his, on the river where he could never find them. And before i leave, hit him with one of my shoes on his face!” 

I take in a sip again, laughing at myself. It seemed like a good idea..

Oddly the burning sensation on my throat that comes with each sip has now passed away. My tongue has become too thick, too anaesthetised to read the flavour.  My glass of cocktail no longer is bitter nor sweet, its tasteless, utterly tasteless like water.

Disgruntled, gulping all the remains, i leave the glass empty in no time, ordering in for  another shot, this time, a neat vodka.

Ethan raises his eye brows. Yet, without complaining he takes in my glass.  ‘Are all drunkards heartbroken Ethan?’ i ask, watching him pour vodka, after reminding me it was my last for the night. ‘He is so cute’ i flutter, feeling cared for hearing him warn me, my comment to self  coming out aloud before i could stop it. ‘Ooooops’ i squeak then, flushing to cherry in seconds. He laughs too, putting back the new bottle to the shelf.

 ‘Open a bottle of alcohol alone and you are officially a drunkard’ My mom’s words, blows a trumpet in my ears as i take in my shot , its sharp burning taste exciting my taste buds again.  ‘Of course i am not a drunkard!!‘ i defend talking out aloud, to my self- imaginative voice of hers.

Past 1 at morning and i still hang out at the bar,  sitting there like an annoying mosquito, half sedated by the repellent spray, buzzing, clueless of my pitiful status.

‘Pick up your phone darling. Surely things aren’t that bad’ Ethan urges me to answer my call, hearing  my cellphone phone vibrate on the bag.

‘Not so important like you..’ I reply smiling at him playfully again. At which Ethan replies with playful gesture too.

Ethan is understanding that way. He knows i’m just looking for a company to drink my night out with. Its like he can see me through more than what i am showing on surface.. So, i like him. Maybe a little too much for our first meeting. But, yes.   He is amazing. And he has a comfortable aura to him, sort of like  Brandon has.

Brandon..’     I submerge back into thinking again at a thought of that name.

‘Carem you’ve got to speak to him. Tell him anything. Lie to him. Fake it to him. Pretend. Whatever. But make him believe that you haven’t left him. He is going nuts here.‘ I recall Mia’s words, what she had said to me when she had called me the night before yesterday.

Panicked, i had then dialled Brandon’s number, but the computer had kept sending me to his voice message system. The day after  in the morning,  i had called him once again.  And finally after 5 days, Brandon and I were reconnected. As soon as he had picked up the call, he had barged me with tens of questions on one breath, to which i had replied very calmly, assuring him that  i will be back by the end of this week.  I had questioned then probing gently about his whereabouts, mentioning him that he should go back and everyone were worried about him.  He had convinced me that he would and  also pinched in all the details of his missing days for my note without me questioning about it .

Apparently, Brandon had stayed a night at his cousins the day before. And the day after that, he had gone to a club, got so drunk with them that he had woken up on the sidewalks of the road.

‘Hey, Carem. Are you alright?’ A nudge on my shoulder shakes me  back from my depressing thoughts to my depressing reality. ‘Oh No..’ i sigh. Choking in thoughts is still a better option for me, no matter who puts it in and in what way, than being strangled in reality.

‘Are you alright?’ the dark haired man, holding a cycle helmet asks me again, approaching closer coming front to front so that i can see his face.

‘Yeah..I am Matt.’ I reply, clearing my throat, trying to sound not-so-drunk.  But who am i kidding? He probably already knows.. i’m a disco ball tonight. Remember?

‘5 pints of ale for each on that table please’ Matt puts in his order to Ethan, pointing at a big table on the corner of the pub. I look too, like Ethan did at the direction he pointed. ‘Hey Carem,‘ remaining of the men from Matt’s table ‘my neighbours’, all raise together their hands on  air. I blush. This was the last place i wanted to meet them especially not in this state.

‘What would you like?‘ Matt asks me, after i was done waving back very shyly.

‘Enough for today for the lady’ Ethan speaks for me, winking his eye. I smile thankfully.

‘You heard him Matt. I had too much for today.’ I reply, blushing off again. ‘This was hopelessly embarrassing. They were my neighbours for god sake!’

Hmm if you say so Carem. But at least join us on our table..’ he insists.

‘May be i should head home now Matt. I have been here too long tonight’ i reply, trying not to sound rude.

‘But we just came. And we are neighbours’  he tries to persuade me again.

‘oh well ok..’ i agree, looking at Ethan. He nods too looking at Matt.

‘Just in case though, whats your number?’ Ethan asks taking out his cellphone from the  drawer.

I almost jump with excitement like a little girl on hearing him. Do you know that feeling of  making a first friend in a new school? One that is both cool and popular. Well i felt that way.   ‘Here! Save your number and give a call in yours’ i reply him, handing him my phone, my anxiety clearly ringing on my voice; staring at his sleek fingers, adoringly type his name and number on my contact list.

Ethan and I were friends starting today..and i assume ‘we will be’ for a very very long time.

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 57)

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A tap on the door wakes me up the next morning. ‘Open the door Cam. At least come out to have breakfast.’ Will calls behind it.

I force a pillow on my face to cover both of my ears.

Today, i wasn’t going to see, hear or talk to this man. It was the least i could do to salvage what little self respect i had for myself, after allowing to be put down shamelessly like a slave yesterday night by him.

3 continuous knocks and he leaves.

Rolling over quickly, hearing his footsteps sound distant,  i grab my cell phone. The first train leaving tomorrow for london was at 10am.  I throw my suitcase on the bed and start putting together all my clothes on it. Then zipping the case, i hide it inside the closet at the corner, making sure it remains  hidden from a direct view.

I contact a  local cab driver then, asking him to pick me up at 6’o clock in the morning tomorrow, to make sure i got to the station before Will woke up and came to check on me.

After that i set my alarm at 5am.  I had to wake up early. I had to leave, as soon as i could, away from this house, away from this place and this man.

A knock on the door stirs me up again. ‘Come on Cam, aren’t you hungry? Open the door.’

I stay still.

Its 1 pm. Of course I’m hungry. But, I had fetched myself enough chips, cookies and water to survive a day inside a room. What did he think? I would starve myself because of him? He could have the whole house to himself, dance around nude, go crazy, hit himself on the wall for all i care.

I open my crisps packet and start  munching on it hungrily. Before i settled down, I had locked down all the windows, pulled down all the heavy curtains and turned on all the lights in the room as well. May be because i had less sleep yesterday night all the brightness in the room was now starting to hurt my eyes, so  i fumble through the drawers to get hold of  my sunglasses too. Then grabbing my pillows and blanket, i sit down on bed flipping the channels on the tv, scouring for any interesting shows.

‘Baby are there?’ Will calls again.

I lower the volume on my TV hearing him. Then, opening another packet of my crisps, i start digging on it.

‘Come on talk to me.’ He pleads.

‘As if i would after what you have done to me. Noway!!’  I flare with anger on my own, crushing the packet of chips on my hand till i could hear them cracking no more.

Silence. I let out a long phew. I needed this peace. Me and my TV all alone.

(Knock, Knock.)

There he goes again.

‘Cam. Cam. Please open the door.’

Suddenly, this makes me laugh. His ‘i care for you’ desperate behaviour, i mean. ‘Does he think i died in here. Oh please…..’ 

I am enjoying this. I’m actually enjoying this. Can you believe it?

The locks on my window glass clatters after a while. ‘Is he trying to peep through the windows now?’ Too bad, i’m one step ahead on this game. ‘Curtains down. Locks secured. All check. Sorry baby.’ I laugh again, my devilish howl.

Back to what i was doing, I ignore him and resume watching my favourite show, ‘Friends’.

4 hours later, i’m bored.  Russ and Rachel getting all lovey dovey together, annoys me. ‘Life isn’t a movie. That’ s never gonna happen! Why can’t they be honest with people?’ I complain; shut the tv down, stomp my foot hard on ground and throw myself to bed. ‘If life did really work out like that i wouldn’t be sitting here like a starved vampire, wearing sun glasses inside my rooms, with curtains down and lights on, on a broad daylight sun. Would i?’ I question.

 

With nothing to do, I toss and torn around my bed, trying to fall asleep. Hoping the next time i wake up, its 5am in the morning. But time, rarely passes by when you want it to move faster..

My small hideout den starts to look narrow now. The air starts to feel heavy, densely packed with my own vapours..

One hour later i’m out of the room. Sneaking out of the cottage on my black dress and black heels.

I am giving him his space, a complete satisfaction of serene environment without me on it. A  taste of his own medicine as bitter as it is, of course.  And i’m taking my space too. Going out, looking for a company on my last night here, hoping whoever it is  makes me feel beautiful again. 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 56)

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CAUTION. Only 18+ please. The following post contains explicit scene.

 

I wore a white gown.

Beautiful spotless white with many flowing layers of fabric on it. A part of it was covered in ruffles, dragging on to the floor as i walked in through the hall of the chapel anxiously, nervous, holding my dress careful not to step over and fall down on it. A soft pleasant piano music welcomed my arrival on the door and i gasped, looking at the crowd, that was eagerly waiting for me.  

I walked through the passage very tensed, excited, edgy’ i suppose, looking on my sides for some solace, gazing at individual faces that had come to celebrate my special moment. They smiled. And i returned their gesture with a beam of my own infinite happiness, almost tearing up, with all the  over flowing emotions that i was feeling.

 The pathway was adorned with big’ white, purple large ribbons, giant bouquets of roses and wild flowers on either sides. At the end of it was ‘Will’, the man i was going to take my vows with. ‘Till death do us apart’. If i could, i would have put  ‘Forever, never shall we part’. I wasn’t happy at all with the priests, giving no guarantee for all lives.

However, seeing Will, dressed up on a black suit with a red box on his hand as nervous as i was, i was relieved. I wanted to make a quick dash for him, running along the corridor, throwing my bouquet and my heels away as fast as i could, before he changed his mind. But, knowing, he was my destination, at the finish point of this narrow tortuous  lane, no matter what time it took me,  i had stayed calm. I had carried my bouquet, an assortment of dark red velvety  roses with a bunch of creamy white roses, as gracefully as i could. I was going to be the happiest bride in the world, and ‘He’ had to see that…

‘Look at me!’ Will’s harsh voice wakes me up into reality. All those fantasies, i had dreamt never had any prince on it.  

I stare at him. ‘How could i have come to this? How could i have not foreseen this? ‘ 

He pulls his boxers down. I don’t say anything. I don’t resist any more, i don’t try to run. I’m tired. And I’m tired of myself and everything.

He is hard. Engorged dilated veins.  Stagnant blood flushing on it..

I know, he is just going to fuck me and while doing that, make it as painful as it can be.

He moves in, wets his hard with his saliva and massaging his tip shoves it inside me, pushing his whole body against me. I flinch. He doesn’t care. He watches me as my eyes flood and overflow out of it’s corners.

They say you can judge how much a man really loves you on two places.  Either on your honeymoon bed or  on your deathbed.  I just discovered, mine, just wants sex.. 

 

Next thing i know, he is pacing his speed, increasing his pressure on me, making my insides sting more with pain till it starts to feel numb.

I steer my eyes away again, unable to make an eye contact with him, fixing my eyes at the half open door. ‘There is no pleasure without pain Cam. If you love me, you got to handle both’.  I recall his words. But what part of pleasure am i still seeking here, i don’t know. There is nothing here for me to gain,  but pain, pain and more pain..

The bed creeks to and fro. I can hear his moan getting louder and longer. But ironically what grabs my attention is the clock. Precise sharp metallic sound of the table clock standing  beside me, mocking me, laughing at me hysterically on my pitiful  state. Least  remorseful like Will was.  But, between two of them, i hated it  thousands folds less. So, it’s arrogance wasn’t something that bothered now, not at all.

While i observe it keenly, it moves it’s hand very slowly. The  seconds on it, taking forever to become minutes..

‘Look at me!!’ His hoarse voice breaks my attention. I ignore it.  ‘Look at me!’he shouts againforcing me to shift my gaze.

I’m angry.

So much angry that i want to hit him, kick him and  throw him out of the bed.  ‘Get it over with quickly then!!‘ I clench my teeth and sneer at him.

He doesn’t reply.

He doesn’t even bother to scowl at me anymore. Null, devoid of expression he proceeds, flexing over, putting his arms tightly around me and bringing his face closer to me, an inch away.. his lips almost touching mine and  his breath fuming hot on my face.

We stare at each other, without words. His eyes, i can see them smouldering with rage, unsatisfied, peering studiously, anchored at me.

Heavily, they change their expression now to confused, fearful, sad and tired..really tired.

His body stiffens. His legs throws a jerk. His muscles on hip start to twitch and a gush of liquid squirts with pressure inside me, filling my tunnels.

He slumps, trying to kiss me. I make sure he doesn’t. Ignoring it, he rests his head on my shoulders. His body flaccid over me, his wood soft now  still stuffing my insides.

I push him away. This time he lets me, unplugging my tunnel, dripping the  contents all over the sheet. Lazily, he then moves to the opposite side of the bed, cleans his area with his boxer, throws it away on the floor, grabs the blanket and drifts to sleep still naked. Within minutes i hear him snore.

Me?? I’m still awake. Paralysed. Wondering.. about so many things…I can’t catch my thoughts…. I can’t  explain what i’m going through.  I feel lost…. I feel helpless…

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 55)

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We didn’t talk much on dinner today. Will’s eyes were settled on reading some magazines the whole the time we sat together. Occasionally, he lifted his head to look at me, but that was just it. No words. He was  treating me like some stranger, he had just picked on a highway.

After i got back to bed having brushed my teeth, i realised he was still awake. I was hoping he’d be asleep because i wanted to avoid his interrogation, which i knew for sure he was waiting to have with me. 

I slip inside the blankets silently, pretending i didn’t notice him stare at me. But then he gave me no choice, ‘You are late’ he commented.

‘Oh you are still up?’ i question, pulling up an innocent front.

‘Well, Goodnight baby’. I give a kiss on his cheek before he could reply, turning to opposite side, to face away from his  probing look.

He doesn’t reply. I feel a chill on back of my neck, from his cold stare.

‘Beep’. My cell phone vibrates with incoming message alert.

‘Not again. Oh God’ I panick mentally, struggling to reach for my phone.

‘I will take that’ Will snatches it from my hand within seconds. And before i can say anything, he reads it.

‘Who is it from?’ i stammer.

‘No one we should be worrying about’ he replies, tucking cellphone away under his pillow.

I look at him and the pillow, under which my cell phone beeps two more times with new messages.

‘Come here’ he says, pinning me to the bed. His both hands against my wrists. ‘You have important things to worry about’. 

Who was it Will?.’ I ask again.

No reply. He keeps his silence, moving towards the foot end of our bed dragging on his knees, appearing aloof, drawing away my blankets  as he does so. I shiver. I am nervous. I know this pattern. I have seen him like this before. This is the side of him, i am scared of.. 

Folding my legs on to my knees, he pushes away my t shirt exposing my belly. ‘Will’ i call, more loud this time. He proceeds, absent-minded, his hand movements controlled, robotic, removing my under wear.

Lifting my hip up then he puts a cushion underneath me, inclining me at an angle. Moving closer, he attempts to part my legs. I resist, vigorously.

He scowls, again, for more than a fifth time, gripping firmly on my hands and pressing my legs. For the first time now, i understand ‘his silent treatment’.  He is angry. He is jealous. It is Brandon who was texting me and whatever he wrote, was not to his liking.

‘Oh God’ i sigh. ‘I don’t want to feel what i felt the  last time..’.

He remains hushed.

He observes my expression intently, tight-lipped while  manipulating me around. Still looking, without breaking his eye contact for seconds, he then puts his fingers to his mouth sucks on them for  a while and advances them to my opening between my legs. He is intimidating me.. he knows it. But he doesn’t mind. He is too full of hatred, lust, anger and of himself..

Up and down, round and round, in and out, his fingers run without a break, inside me, till he thrusts them deeper in me with a sharp force.  ‘Stop it!’ i scream. ‘Open your legs then’ he snaps. ‘Lets just fuck. That’s how i like doing you!’

 

Its paralysing to hear such despicable words from the man you love.. I give away. If its only body that he wants, he can have it. I am not stopping him. 

One moment, I love this man like i could love nothing else in world and  the other moment i hate him, hate him from the very pits of my heart!