Will You Into My Will (Chapter 62)

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A sickening taste of stomach acid, regurgitating up my throat wakes me up. Feeling nauseous, i hurl past Will, who had somehow managed to creep beside me on the bed, to the bathroom, covering my mouth tightly with fingers. Once beside the pan, i kneel down to vomit the contents out. All that i had stuffed down my pipe in past 6-8 hours. Needless to say being a stress eater, it was a lot.

My stomach does one last painful flick to propel the final remains of food, before it rests still, leaving behind the bitter horrendous unpleasant taste of bile, lurking on back of my tongue. Exhausted i push myself to the sink, to rinse my mouth, hoping it would wash away the awful taste.

It doesn’t.

So i pick up my toothbrush and paste, and squat on the cold tiles ready to brush. The warm rays from afternoon August sun, warms my feet, looming in from the half open window. Tempted by the fresh breeze, i walk to it, opening myself to the spectacular view of highlands that now I was getting so accustomed to. But, no matter how many times i looked, the beauty of greenery and hills never seem to cease bringing joy to my heart.

I will miss this’. I sigh, turning my eyes away, to walk back to the sink to gargle my mouth. That’s when i realise, it was afternoon. ‘Afternoon! My alarm was at 6. I had to board my train at 10!’

I jostle back to my room. The numerical on  my screen showed 12.40 pm. There was no alarm.

I had set it for 5am. Then later changed it to 6am. I am sure.

Infuriated now, my fingers trembling with fury i could barely bottle up, i stare at Will; slowly picking up my pillow lying next to him, i relish at the thought ‘This will solve all my problems..’ 

Of course, i could not. I am crazy, but not a murderer.

I call him names then. And muttering all sorts of curse  words  i could think of, i stomp back to the bathroom, picking  a towel on my way.

I didn’t have  a clue, i knew so many. Had my parents known they would’ve grounded me and devised some purification ritual to cleanse me of my filthy mouth. But, i am not even a virgin anymore.

I step in the shower.

As the drizzles hit my skin, vapours leave my body forming a mist. The water was cold. Really, really cold. I felt like a hot iron rod immersed in a bucket full of ice.

Gradually, i was calming down. The shower was bringing my temperature back to the set point and then below, further below, until the droplets felt like sharp ice picks on my skin.

Quickly draping around the towel on my body, i jump off to the bed, stopping only a few seconds to turn the heater on , in between. Once inside the bed, i pull all the blanket to my end rolling myself over it like a wrap. ‘His fault’ i mumble, seeing Will’s blanket lying on the floor next to sofa.

Past 5 minutes, and i still lie clattering my teeth. The water was too cold. The heater was not working and i did not have any guts to get to kitchen to fetch myself something warm.  Unwillingly i wriggle in my bundle, adjust my position again, so that only my eyes and nose were exposed now, to see and to breathe.

Unable to fall back to sleep, I appease my eyes, watching  Will. Looking at his chest and belly, do up and down movement as he respired, inflating and deflating the lungs.

‘He is a beautiful man. No doubt. And i am attracted to him like a moth to flame.’

Guiltily, angrily, compassionately, I don’t know. I was still staring at him for minutes and more minutes, till those, added up to become half an hour.

I snuggle closer to him this time, still shivering. More and more till, my forehead touched his cheek and my nose pressed on his jaw. The principle of conduction is an amazing thing. My face was warm in no time. Like metal grills of a radiator, he was hot.

Lured by the warmth of his crib, i slither my right arm across his chest right away. He shivers at the touch, moves away from me and pulls the blanket over him. While he does so, half asleep, i close my eyes too, pretending not to notice it. Once he softly snores, i put back my arm across his chest back over again, then another arm as well.

Then, I lay my hands still, waiting for them to warm up, like Eskimos on Arctic, spreading their palms  in front of a flame. Only difference was, they were more tolerant to cold than i was.

Seeing no other way out, finally i decide to burn my ego down and dump my body all over him. One arm on my side, one arm across. One leg on my side, one leg across. My trunk over his, my hip flexed at  one joint.

‘You are cold’ Will murmurs, half asleep, waking up by the cold touch again.

‘Yeah’ i mumble, hoping he doesn’t  recall our big fight. Not now, when i could die of hypothermia or whatever that thing  people at north and south pole died of when they were exposed to extreme cold.

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It was a refreshing nap.

I felt as warm and as fuzzy as a new hatch-ling duck when i woke up. But 2 hours past and Will was still asleep. ‘Did he swallow a sleeping pill or something?‘ i start to worry.

Will’s skin between brows were creased and lips were sealed shut. Even on his sleep, he looked very distressed. But then again, it too was part of punishment. If he didn’t realise a mistake, how was he going to learn. I never intended to do it.

However, a softer side of my psyche speaks. ‘What are you doing? You love this man. You never hurt people you love.’

I agreed. Enough was enough. My insanity was indeed rising on its peak.

Will’s  arms were uncomfortably stretched , bend over his elbows with his head resting on one of his forearms and wrists put together behind his neck  to one side.

Had i been too occupied with thought of punishing him, or too driven for teaching him a lesson  or both. At what i saw next, i broke into tears. I could not forgive myself.

His hands were swollen down the strap till the pulps of his fingers. The skin above them were discoloured bluish black. It looked painful. Very painful and cruel.

‘What? What happened?’. Will asks alarmed, waking up to my sobs.

‘Your hands…hands… ‘ I couldn’t even utter a single word after that.

How could i have done this to him? I love him. I couldn’t even believe myself.. 

 

 

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Will You Into My Will ( Chapter 61)

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‘Wait. Don’t go.’ Will pulls the edge of my robe , gripping it in between his fingers, between the narrow space his sealed hands allowed.  Turning around quickly I pull my robe free from him.

‘Enough is enough I said!’ I screech, moving a step back from him, stretching my palms forward, warning him to stay put where he sat. ‘Don’t’.

He looks at me hesitantly as though he is unable to react at my sudden burst of mania. Then taking a while to process his thoughts over, he withdraws his hand slowly. ‘I am sorry‘ he apologises, rubbing his fingers over his eyes, over the bridge then, locking them to knuckles in front of his lips.

‘I love you. I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘Think again’. I grumble, sitting on my bed, across him. ‘Your actions says otherwise’.

He looks at me and lets out a long sigh. Then, throwing his arms over his head and leaning back on the sofa, he asks ‘What do i do to make you believe me?’

‘Nothing. Nothing, you can do’.

He sighs again. ‘What do you want from me? Tell me please’. His voice gets softer with a  desperate tone.

‘Really?’ I throw him an amused pretentious look.

He nods his head, appearing more hopeful, leaning forward closer to hear me out.

‘Nothing.’ I hit him hard with disappointment like a hammer on head. ‘He deserves this!’ I chuckle on my own.

 

Will doesn’t speak a word after that.

He looks at me vacantly; a mixture of  anger, sadness and confusion  gleams on his eyes; his stare transfixes at me, into me and beneath the layer of my cornea, through the gap in my pupils, against the frail membrane of my lens and deeper beneath..

‘Look away’ i snarl , feeling exposed, vulnerable..

He does. A moist film of tear running down the corner of his lids.

He is manipulating you! Don’t fall for it!’ My subconscious roars. ‘If you do, might as well admit to yourself, you are his whore!’.

‘I won’t. Not again!’ I brush away my sympathy. And picking my pillow from the ground, i put it back to my head end of bed, preparing to to sleep.

Will’s head is still faced away from me. He too has lied down on sofa now, with his feet overhanging down the edges and arms folded uncomfortably, crouched  against the corner, trying to fit in his long body on limited space. I can hear him make noises, like breathing roughly against a blocked nose, like sobbing quietly.

I crawl down in my bed, looking at him, cornered  by the unwanted emotions i refuse to feel. First there is fear; the dread of being raw, naked down to my soul; my secrets were no longer mine. The power to control; my thoughts, my wants were no longer mine. And, the key; to my happiness, to my dreams..everything narrowed down to one, my vision tunnelled, it’ was no longer mine.

Second to creep was ‘pain’; amplified by my fear of getting hurt. An acute ache in middle of my chest that i could not point. So unbearable, as though, my muscles were being twisted and stretched beyond their endurance till they tore..

The third, knocking around my misery came ‘The Anger’, so much, building up inside me, that it suffocated my lungs.

‘Wake up! Wake up!‘ i shrug Will roughly by his shoulder.

‘Leave me alone. Go to sleep.’ 

‘No! Wake up!’ I shrug him again. Shaking him violently than before.

‘Ok Ok. Whats wrong with you?’ He sits up, moving side to side, putting his hands down for support.

I lift them above the ground and stretching it past his head, secure them at the back of his neck, making sure  both his arms were  now raised and restricted to any movements.

‘What are you doing?’ he asks me confused, his voice now hoarser with a nasal twang.

‘Securing it. So that you don’t move’.  I reply,  checking the knot again, pulling his head towards me.

‘Why?’ 

‘Sex. I want Sex’. I reply bluntly, looking at him, my hands pushing up his Tee past his neck.

‘I am not in mood,’ he exclaims, creasing his brows in disbelief, angry at me.

‘You don’t need to be. It has a brain of its own. Beside, You Got No Choice!’ I snap back equally infuriated, stressing him loud enough  on ‘You Got No Choice’ part.

He stares at me, taken back, without blinking his eyes for seconds.  I pull down his trousers, down his bums anyways.

Don’t!’ he snarls, sitting down on it, bloated, grumpily.  ‘I didn’t stop you from doing anything. You shouldn’t too’ I mumble, reminding him of his deed, a day back, to which he still owed me. Upset, i would still pull that guilty card, he looks at me regretfully with a repentant conscience.

Then, he lets me drag his trousers all the way  down  his feet and off it, in no time. Still groaning and complaining, he watches me  toss it far too, to the bin beside the door, like a crumpled piece of a paper. ‘Ooooh Yes. I loved it!’

‘It will be more fun, if you set me free from this’. He bends  his head,  to slide forward his hands, showing me what he meant.

Stop, I want your hands back!‘ I snap again, suddenly, frustrated; at his lack of compliance with simple rules. ‘Did you hear me complain then?’ i ask him, utterly annoyed.

It gets easier the next few minutes. Me handling him, playing with him and slipping him off inside me. He doesn’t say a word at all. Not a sound, just the way i wanted it.  I close my eyes then, allowing myself to float in blissful pleasure i was learning to indulge..thinking in my head that ‘It could have been anyone, anyone else in my arms, not necessarily him.’

My knees spread wider apart, relaxing my pelvic floor to accommodate the pressure i was raising, swelling inside me. My back arches forward and backward like swinging on a vine, on its own, controlling the motion of my thrust.. And my hip moves up and down, feeling  every inch of his muscle grate the folds of my tunnel, pleasurably.

I moan softly, resting my head against his shoulders, locking him inside my own arms, pushing and pulling my passage till his tip. The juices on my body pent up and release with every friction i pass on them. Running my fingers across his hair then, i pull his head close to my chest, burying his face on my skin, watching him wet it with his saliva; enjoying each stroke, driving my own route to my lustful pleasure.

‘Fuck me harder baby’ Will whispers on my ear, nibbling on it, sensing my urge getting stronger.

Don’t talk’ i breath out, looking at him, pressing my hip harder against him and  my forehead pressed against his.

‘Use me. Want me. Love me.’ he moans. ‘I want to see you come’..

‘Shhh..’ I hush.    ‘Can’t.’

‘Why? But.. i want you to.’

‘Don’t ask’. I cover his mouth with my wrist, stopping him mid sentence, driving back to momentum.

However, i halt again. ‘Ah. Don’t bite!What now? ‘ I sneer at him.

‘Don’t pace fast. I don’t want to’. He whines leaning his head on my chest. ‘At least kiss me once…’

‘Well you can’t decide. Can you? I have it my way today.’ I push him back on the sofa and bending forward to wrap him again around his neck, resting my head against his shoulders, moving back and forth. ‘Why should i kiss you?‘ i mumble as i do so.

‘I’m not just the thing down you know. I am a human’. He replies with a sigh.

‘Me too. I guess you didn’t know that before huh..’

Well as long as i’m the only one getting in.. I don’t mind i suppose.’  He pecks a soft kiss on my cheek, snuggling past my hair, at which i raise my head and stare at him with surprise.

‘Don’t be too sure. I have a need.‘ I lash at him.

‘Nothing gets in down there except my fingers, your fingers and my stick’.

‘Well, its my body! Stop acting like you control me!’ I glare at him

He doesn’t speak a thing again. And i stop chattering too. We get straight to business, getting it done; me fucking him the way i want.

Once we were over it, I clean myself and toss him a roll of tissues to clean his. ‘Thanks’ I leave him a kiss on a forehead for being a good fuck-buddy.

‘Wait!! Maybe I am being too kind to him..

‘You aren’t even that good by the way. Waste of my time!’ I hurl at him, my vicious comment. Whoever said, word can’t kill..  Trust me, it does much worse. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 58)

 

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I regretted my decision of ‘blasting my night out’ plan, as soon as i stepped in the pub. Ever seen a disco ball hanging down the ceiling of a library? I looked that disoriented to time and place in here. Over hyped and over dressed; for a small country club filled with men, majority of them on their sweat shirts and trekking shoes. Without any doubts, with my open back, V neck plunging down to my almost non existent cleavage on front and see through net just covering my bellybutton, i looked like a hooker to them.

‘So much effort for nothing! What happened to all the party and all the hot people they had in here last time??’ I frown, devastated at my crumbled expectations.

Thank God for the bartender though, who looked cute and kind enough to spare me a smile, i calm myself down.  ‘No problem. There is my company..’ I tell myself, refusing to go back to that sickening feeling of standing next to Will, marching my steps towards the last ray of hope glimmering dimly next to shelves full of bottles. ‘Why is it that, all the good things in the world come with a big price tag? Like all roses come with prickly thorns? Will came with his Fiancee, Brandon came with Mia and now, the bar tender is standing with alcohol!! Not just one but with hundreds on display. Lord help my liver..’ I pray,  pulling out a chair before settling down in front of him.

‘What would you like?’ He asks me cheerfully.

‘Anything you would recommend.‘ I reply looking at him with a flirtatious grin.

Bingo! He grins too. As frisky as i was looking and feeling, i was happy he did.  After all, my devotion for next few hours was entirely going to be on him. Solely and full heartedly. Tonight i was a free spirit, bound to no one’s beck and call. Oh wait! i never was and i never will!” I remind myself, feeling proud at my decision of leaving Will anytime soon, without a penny worth of feeling  harbouring in me.

The bar tender pours me a glass of Gin, ‘a cocktail’ of Gin and lemon drink. I don’t question him any further than the recipe, complimenting on the taste, afraid of appearing too naive. But he  didn’t seem to care about it either and was more  interested in adding to the conversation plate than digging in the details,  for which i was more than grateful to him.

“Gin tastes similar to vodka i think. Although both are colourless, i found Gin has got a distinct touch of a flavour on it. I really can’t tell which but its got one, that makes it stand out between the two. So, I think i like gin more than vodka. I think..”

‘Here is  one on the house for the beautiful lady’ the bartender puts forward another cocktail for me flashing his dazzling smiles on a row.

 ‘I don’t think that will be enough for me to heal up my broken heart Ethan..’ I whine playfully at him, making a disappointed face having heard about his girlfriend and 4 long years of committed relationship. However, casting my dis pleasure aside, i manage to  pull a smile for him and raise my glass on the air wishing him all the luck i could give. ‘Cheers to you and your love life’!! I say, praying in my heart that someday.. someday  i ended up with someone as cool and as loyal as him as well.

I sip my third glass very slowly. From my previous experience, i knew two glasses of vodka was enough to knock me out but ‘Gin’ i didn’t know.

The old pendulum clock on the wall strikes 12 times as i sit there  holding a glass  of my own on the bar. People come and go. I watch Ethan take orders, hand them their pints and print the receipts. Simultaneously  I watch the customers make their orders, take their drinks and pay the bill.

More than 2 hours or so of being a bystander with nothing to do,  but watch Ethan’s monotonous routine, i start to quiver, feeling like old men they cased on movie shows. Those who were depressed, hopeless and had nothing  in life to look forward to, than drown themselves to death on alcohol. Those who were always in lookout for company to crack their dark non humorous jokes that no one understood. 

 Sitting there i start to  wonder about  many things.. About the lives of few people i had seen, who had drank too much and ruined everything they had. I start to question, why hadn’t they set a limit for themselves? And if they did, why they had fallen back to  drinking again?  ‘Could it be that they felt, alcohol helped with their problems? ” I ask  my subconscious self, genuinely trying to plough for answers.

Ever listened to a drunk man speak?

Not for minutes but at least about for an hour? Here is what happens. They talk crap at first, nothing but verbal diarrhoea.  But as they get in more involved with the topic, they start making more sense. They start talking like they have been enlightened. Like if they know all the answers to all the problems in the world except for their own of course.. And 3 glasses cocktail down my stomach, I was feeling  the same.  May be a bit different, in a sense, I knew my options clearer than they did and i knew what i had to do next. “I had  to go back. Take my suitcase right away. Throw his, on the river where he could never find them. And before i leave, hit him with one of my shoes on his face!” 

I take in a sip again, laughing at myself. It seemed like a good idea..

Oddly the burning sensation on my throat that comes with each sip has now passed away. My tongue has become too thick, too anaesthetised to read the flavour.  My glass of cocktail no longer is bitter nor sweet, its tasteless, utterly tasteless like water.

Disgruntled, gulping all the remains, i leave the glass empty in no time, ordering in for  another shot, this time, a neat vodka.

Ethan raises his eye brows. Yet, without complaining he takes in my glass.  ‘Are all drunkards heartbroken Ethan?’ i ask, watching him pour vodka, after reminding me it was my last for the night. ‘He is so cute’ i flutter, feeling cared for hearing him warn me, my comment to self  coming out aloud before i could stop it. ‘Ooooops’ i squeak then, flushing to cherry in seconds. He laughs too, putting back the new bottle to the shelf.

 ‘Open a bottle of alcohol alone and you are officially a drunkard’ My mom’s words, blows a trumpet in my ears as i take in my shot , its sharp burning taste exciting my taste buds again.  ‘Of course i am not a drunkard!!‘ i defend talking out aloud, to my self- imaginative voice of hers.

Past 1 at morning and i still hang out at the bar,  sitting there like an annoying mosquito, half sedated by the repellent spray, buzzing, clueless of my pitiful status.

‘Pick up your phone darling. Surely things aren’t that bad’ Ethan urges me to answer my call, hearing  my cellphone phone vibrate on the bag.

‘Not so important like you..’ I reply smiling at him playfully again. At which Ethan replies with playful gesture too.

Ethan is understanding that way. He knows i’m just looking for a company to drink my night out with. Its like he can see me through more than what i am showing on surface.. So, i like him. Maybe a little too much for our first meeting. But, yes.   He is amazing. And he has a comfortable aura to him, sort of like  Brandon has.

Brandon..’     I submerge back into thinking again at a thought of that name.

‘Carem you’ve got to speak to him. Tell him anything. Lie to him. Fake it to him. Pretend. Whatever. But make him believe that you haven’t left him. He is going nuts here.‘ I recall Mia’s words, what she had said to me when she had called me the night before yesterday.

Panicked, i had then dialled Brandon’s number, but the computer had kept sending me to his voice message system. The day after  in the morning,  i had called him once again.  And finally after 5 days, Brandon and I were reconnected. As soon as he had picked up the call, he had barged me with tens of questions on one breath, to which i had replied very calmly, assuring him that  i will be back by the end of this week.  I had questioned then probing gently about his whereabouts, mentioning him that he should go back and everyone were worried about him.  He had convinced me that he would and  also pinched in all the details of his missing days for my note without me questioning about it .

Apparently, Brandon had stayed a night at his cousins the day before. And the day after that, he had gone to a club, got so drunk with them that he had woken up on the sidewalks of the road.

‘Hey, Carem. Are you alright?’ A nudge on my shoulder shakes me  back from my depressing thoughts to my depressing reality. ‘Oh No..’ i sigh. Choking in thoughts is still a better option for me, no matter who puts it in and in what way, than being strangled in reality.

‘Are you alright?’ the dark haired man, holding a cycle helmet asks me again, approaching closer coming front to front so that i can see his face.

‘Yeah..I am Matt.’ I reply, clearing my throat, trying to sound not-so-drunk.  But who am i kidding? He probably already knows.. i’m a disco ball tonight. Remember?

‘5 pints of ale for each on that table please’ Matt puts in his order to Ethan, pointing at a big table on the corner of the pub. I look too, like Ethan did at the direction he pointed. ‘Hey Carem,‘ remaining of the men from Matt’s table ‘my neighbours’, all raise together their hands on  air. I blush. This was the last place i wanted to meet them especially not in this state.

‘What would you like?‘ Matt asks me, after i was done waving back very shyly.

‘Enough for today for the lady’ Ethan speaks for me, winking his eye. I smile thankfully.

‘You heard him Matt. I had too much for today.’ I reply, blushing off again. ‘This was hopelessly embarrassing. They were my neighbours for god sake!’

Hmm if you say so Carem. But at least join us on our table..’ he insists.

‘May be i should head home now Matt. I have been here too long tonight’ i reply, trying not to sound rude.

‘But we just came. And we are neighbours’  he tries to persuade me again.

‘oh well ok..’ i agree, looking at Ethan. He nods too looking at Matt.

‘Just in case though, whats your number?’ Ethan asks taking out his cellphone from the  drawer.

I almost jump with excitement like a little girl on hearing him. Do you know that feeling of  making a first friend in a new school? One that is both cool and popular. Well i felt that way.   ‘Here! Save your number and give a call in yours’ i reply him, handing him my phone, my anxiety clearly ringing on my voice; staring at his sleek fingers, adoringly type his name and number on my contact list.

Ethan and I were friends starting today..and i assume ‘we will be’ for a very very long time.

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 57)

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A tap on the door wakes me up the next morning. ‘Open the door Cam. At least come out to have breakfast.’ Will calls behind it.

I force a pillow on my face to cover both of my ears.

Today, i wasn’t going to see, hear or talk to this man. It was the least i could do to salvage what little self respect i had for myself, after allowing to be put down shamelessly like a slave yesterday night by him.

3 continuous knocks and he leaves.

Rolling over quickly, hearing his footsteps sound distant,  i grab my cell phone. The first train leaving tomorrow for london was at 10am.  I throw my suitcase on the bed and start putting together all my clothes on it. Then zipping the case, i hide it inside the closet at the corner, making sure it remains  hidden from a direct view.

I contact a  local cab driver then, asking him to pick me up at 6’o clock in the morning tomorrow, to make sure i got to the station before Will woke up and came to check on me.

After that i set my alarm at 5am.  I had to wake up early. I had to leave, as soon as i could, away from this house, away from this place and this man.

A knock on the door stirs me up again. ‘Come on Cam, aren’t you hungry? Open the door.’

I stay still.

Its 1 pm. Of course I’m hungry. But, I had fetched myself enough chips, cookies and water to survive a day inside a room. What did he think? I would starve myself because of him? He could have the whole house to himself, dance around nude, go crazy, hit himself on the wall for all i care.

I open my crisps packet and start  munching on it hungrily. Before i settled down, I had locked down all the windows, pulled down all the heavy curtains and turned on all the lights in the room as well. May be because i had less sleep yesterday night all the brightness in the room was now starting to hurt my eyes, so  i fumble through the drawers to get hold of  my sunglasses too. Then grabbing my pillows and blanket, i sit down on bed flipping the channels on the tv, scouring for any interesting shows.

‘Baby are there?’ Will calls again.

I lower the volume on my TV hearing him. Then, opening another packet of my crisps, i start digging on it.

‘Come on talk to me.’ He pleads.

‘As if i would after what you have done to me. Noway!!’  I flare with anger on my own, crushing the packet of chips on my hand till i could hear them cracking no more.

Silence. I let out a long phew. I needed this peace. Me and my TV all alone.

(Knock, Knock.)

There he goes again.

‘Cam. Cam. Please open the door.’

Suddenly, this makes me laugh. His ‘i care for you’ desperate behaviour, i mean. ‘Does he think i died in here. Oh please…..’ 

I am enjoying this. I’m actually enjoying this. Can you believe it?

The locks on my window glass clatters after a while. ‘Is he trying to peep through the windows now?’ Too bad, i’m one step ahead on this game. ‘Curtains down. Locks secured. All check. Sorry baby.’ I laugh again, my devilish howl.

Back to what i was doing, I ignore him and resume watching my favourite show, ‘Friends’.

4 hours later, i’m bored.  Russ and Rachel getting all lovey dovey together, annoys me. ‘Life isn’t a movie. That’ s never gonna happen! Why can’t they be honest with people?’ I complain; shut the tv down, stomp my foot hard on ground and throw myself to bed. ‘If life did really work out like that i wouldn’t be sitting here like a starved vampire, wearing sun glasses inside my rooms, with curtains down and lights on, on a broad daylight sun. Would i?’ I question.

 

With nothing to do, I toss and torn around my bed, trying to fall asleep. Hoping the next time i wake up, its 5am in the morning. But time, rarely passes by when you want it to move faster..

My small hideout den starts to look narrow now. The air starts to feel heavy, densely packed with my own vapours..

One hour later i’m out of the room. Sneaking out of the cottage on my black dress and black heels.

I am giving him his space, a complete satisfaction of serene environment without me on it. A  taste of his own medicine as bitter as it is, of course.  And i’m taking my space too. Going out, looking for a company on my last night here, hoping whoever it is  makes me feel beautiful again. 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 56)

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CAUTION. Only 18+ please. The following post contains explicit scene.

 

I wore a white gown.

Beautiful spotless white with many flowing layers of fabric on it. A part of it was covered in ruffles, dragging on to the floor as i walked in through the hall of the chapel anxiously, nervous, holding my dress careful not to step over and fall down on it. A soft pleasant piano music welcomed my arrival on the door and i gasped, looking at the crowd, that was eagerly waiting for me.  

I walked through the passage very tensed, excited, edgy’ i suppose, looking on my sides for some solace, gazing at individual faces that had come to celebrate my special moment. They smiled. And i returned their gesture with a beam of my own infinite happiness, almost tearing up, with all the  over flowing emotions that i was feeling.

 The pathway was adorned with big’ white, purple large ribbons, giant bouquets of roses and wild flowers on either sides. At the end of it was ‘Will’, the man i was going to take my vows with. ‘Till death do us apart’. If i could, i would have put  ‘Forever, never shall we part’. I wasn’t happy at all with the priests, giving no guarantee for all lives.

However, seeing Will, dressed up on a black suit with a red box on his hand as nervous as i was, i was relieved. I wanted to make a quick dash for him, running along the corridor, throwing my bouquet and my heels away as fast as i could, before he changed his mind. But, knowing, he was my destination, at the finish point of this narrow tortuous  lane, no matter what time it took me,  i had stayed calm. I had carried my bouquet, an assortment of dark red velvety  roses with a bunch of creamy white roses, as gracefully as i could. I was going to be the happiest bride in the world, and ‘He’ had to see that…

‘Look at me!’ Will’s harsh voice wakes me up into reality. All those fantasies, i had dreamt never had any prince on it.  

I stare at him. ‘How could i have come to this? How could i have not foreseen this? ‘ 

He pulls his boxers down. I don’t say anything. I don’t resist any more, i don’t try to run. I’m tired. And I’m tired of myself and everything.

He is hard. Engorged dilated veins.  Stagnant blood flushing on it..

I know, he is just going to fuck me and while doing that, make it as painful as it can be.

He moves in, wets his hard with his saliva and massaging his tip shoves it inside me, pushing his whole body against me. I flinch. He doesn’t care. He watches me as my eyes flood and overflow out of it’s corners.

They say you can judge how much a man really loves you on two places.  Either on your honeymoon bed or  on your deathbed.  I just discovered, mine, just wants sex.. 

 

Next thing i know, he is pacing his speed, increasing his pressure on me, making my insides sting more with pain till it starts to feel numb.

I steer my eyes away again, unable to make an eye contact with him, fixing my eyes at the half open door. ‘There is no pleasure without pain Cam. If you love me, you got to handle both’.  I recall his words. But what part of pleasure am i still seeking here, i don’t know. There is nothing here for me to gain,  but pain, pain and more pain..

The bed creeks to and fro. I can hear his moan getting louder and longer. But ironically what grabs my attention is the clock. Precise sharp metallic sound of the table clock standing  beside me, mocking me, laughing at me hysterically on my pitiful  state. Least  remorseful like Will was.  But, between two of them, i hated it  thousands folds less. So, it’s arrogance wasn’t something that bothered now, not at all.

While i observe it keenly, it moves it’s hand very slowly. The  seconds on it, taking forever to become minutes..

‘Look at me!!’ His hoarse voice breaks my attention. I ignore it.  ‘Look at me!’he shouts againforcing me to shift my gaze.

I’m angry.

So much angry that i want to hit him, kick him and  throw him out of the bed.  ‘Get it over with quickly then!!‘ I clench my teeth and sneer at him.

He doesn’t reply.

He doesn’t even bother to scowl at me anymore. Null, devoid of expression he proceeds, flexing over, putting his arms tightly around me and bringing his face closer to me, an inch away.. his lips almost touching mine and  his breath fuming hot on my face.

We stare at each other, without words. His eyes, i can see them smouldering with rage, unsatisfied, peering studiously, anchored at me.

Heavily, they change their expression now to confused, fearful, sad and tired..really tired.

His body stiffens. His legs throws a jerk. His muscles on hip start to twitch and a gush of liquid squirts with pressure inside me, filling my tunnels.

He slumps, trying to kiss me. I make sure he doesn’t. Ignoring it, he rests his head on my shoulders. His body flaccid over me, his wood soft now  still stuffing my insides.

I push him away. This time he lets me, unplugging my tunnel, dripping the  contents all over the sheet. Lazily, he then moves to the opposite side of the bed, cleans his area with his boxer, throws it away on the floor, grabs the blanket and drifts to sleep still naked. Within minutes i hear him snore.

Me?? I’m still awake. Paralysed. Wondering.. about so many things…I can’t catch my thoughts…. I can’t  explain what i’m going through.  I feel lost…. I feel helpless…

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 55)

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We didn’t talk much on dinner today. Will’s eyes were settled on reading some magazines the whole the time we sat together. Occasionally, he lifted his head to look at me, but that was just it. No words. He was  treating me like some stranger, he had just picked on a highway.

After i got back to bed having brushed my teeth, i realised he was still awake. I was hoping he’d be asleep because i wanted to avoid his interrogation, which i knew for sure he was waiting to have with me. 

I slip inside the blankets silently, pretending i didn’t notice him stare at me. But then he gave me no choice, ‘You are late’ he commented.

‘Oh you are still up?’ i question, pulling up an innocent front.

‘Well, Goodnight baby’. I give a kiss on his cheek before he could reply, turning to opposite side, to face away from his  probing look.

He doesn’t reply. I feel a chill on back of my neck, from his cold stare.

‘Beep’. My cell phone vibrates with incoming message alert.

‘Not again. Oh God’ I panick mentally, struggling to reach for my phone.

‘I will take that’ Will snatches it from my hand within seconds. And before i can say anything, he reads it.

‘Who is it from?’ i stammer.

‘No one we should be worrying about’ he replies, tucking cellphone away under his pillow.

I look at him and the pillow, under which my cell phone beeps two more times with new messages.

‘Come here’ he says, pinning me to the bed. His both hands against my wrists. ‘You have important things to worry about’. 

Who was it Will?.’ I ask again.

No reply. He keeps his silence, moving towards the foot end of our bed dragging on his knees, appearing aloof, drawing away my blankets  as he does so. I shiver. I am nervous. I know this pattern. I have seen him like this before. This is the side of him, i am scared of.. 

Folding my legs on to my knees, he pushes away my t shirt exposing my belly. ‘Will’ i call, more loud this time. He proceeds, absent-minded, his hand movements controlled, robotic, removing my under wear.

Lifting my hip up then he puts a cushion underneath me, inclining me at an angle. Moving closer, he attempts to part my legs. I resist, vigorously.

He scowls, again, for more than a fifth time, gripping firmly on my hands and pressing my legs. For the first time now, i understand ‘his silent treatment’.  He is angry. He is jealous. It is Brandon who was texting me and whatever he wrote, was not to his liking.

‘Oh God’ i sigh. ‘I don’t want to feel what i felt the  last time..’.

He remains hushed.

He observes my expression intently, tight-lipped while  manipulating me around. Still looking, without breaking his eye contact for seconds, he then puts his fingers to his mouth sucks on them for  a while and advances them to my opening between my legs. He is intimidating me.. he knows it. But he doesn’t mind. He is too full of hatred, lust, anger and of himself..

Up and down, round and round, in and out, his fingers run without a break, inside me, till he thrusts them deeper in me with a sharp force.  ‘Stop it!’ i scream. ‘Open your legs then’ he snaps. ‘Lets just fuck. That’s how i like doing you!’

 

Its paralysing to hear such despicable words from the man you love.. I give away. If its only body that he wants, he can have it. I am not stopping him. 

One moment, I love this man like i could love nothing else in world and  the other moment i hate him, hate him from the very pits of my heart!