Will You Into My Will (Chapter 60)

rudybb deviantart.png
rudy bb.deviantart

 

‘Hey’ Matt was the first one to break the silence, extending his hand forward to greet Will’s. However, his hand remains still in the air for a long while, midway between them, before Will reaches it to meet with a firm handshake.

‘Hey’ he says as if he saw Matt just now and as if that minute long uncomfortable pause he took to respond him did not occur at all. ‘Thank you for bringing back her home safe’, he adds, clutching further tight Matt’s Hands and pointing his eyes shrewdly on me.

‘No problem’.  Matts face looks both anxious and confused. Facing me, unaware of the complexity of situation between us, he throws me a questioning glance.

I pull over ‘my blank face’.  I wish i knew. Even i didn’t feel like i know anything much about the person i was sharing my roof with.

The eeriness begins to settle back again, with Will still sitting tight lipped between us. Seeing no escape out of this discomfort zone, i decide to sprint in. ‘Matt Thank you so much for everything again. I think we should call it a night’. 

Matt smiles. He definitely got my message through. But strangely, seemingly oblivious to my request, he decides to hangout further . ‘That’s ok. You guys leaving us tomorrow then?’ he asks.

I look  at him baffled. However, Matt completely ignores my inquiring gaze. It didn’t occur to me before this that Matt could be rude too.  But again, what do i know.. I don’t even know Will.

Then,  changing his stance  to side ways so that he is facing Will, up front directly and i’m completely off his view, Matt quizzes again.  ‘Its tomorrow right?’.

I panic alternating my gaze between two men, who were both way above my eye level. The irony is, only thing i could see from this  height was their flaring nostrils, puffing air out forcefully.

‘Why is Matt saying that? He doesn’t even know’.

I curse me, for venting out my secret to him.  To some guy i had just met, who was taking advantage of my situation now.

Will looks at me, his eyes neutral without any expression, with no glint of curiosity nor anger on them.

‘What tomorrow Matt?’ I stammer, avoiding him; praying desperately Matt doesn’t decide to further prolong this chitchat.

He doesn’t. Tracing my forearm all the way to my fingers that were now curving over Will’s waist, he throws us a weak smile.

‘I must have been confused. We talked about a lot of things today’.

‘You must have’. I reply, rather impudently, desperate to end the conversation.

‘Ok Goodnight folks. Carem, you take care.’

‘We will Matt. Thanks’.

I turn around quick, dragging Will with me as i walk.

………………..

 

As soon as our the front door is closed, i push Will away from my arms. ‘Goodnight’ i snap and walk ahead to my room.

‘No you don’t!’ he stops me, holding the knob of my door, pulling it shut. ‘Why were you with him?’ 

‘Nothing you should be concerned about!’. I force open the door anyways, despite him leaning against it and slam it close in front of his face, making sure it was loud enough to shake the pillars; hoping it would pop open his ear drums. That way, i wouldn’t have to tiptoe around the house tomorrow while i walk out.

Then, i latch the door quickly in case he decides to barge in. ‘Stay Out. Don’t Disturb!’. 

‘You wish!’ He mumbles. His voice clearly audible  through the thick ply wood.

‘Whatever.’

……………………..

I was changing my clothes when suddenly a loud knock on my door startles me out of my breath. ‘Fuck off!!’ i scream, still holding my hand to my chest. ‘There is a limit till which a girl can tolerate a man, doesn’t he know?’   

Nope.

He knocks again. More louder, using his fists. Again and again.  Even Matt and his drunk friends next door must be awake now.

What?? Can’t you see, it’s 4 in the morning?‘ I lash at him, jolting open the door. My temper, running all the way down to my toe beds from my scalp skin at the vertex of my skull.

Who cares? I want to sleep’ Will hisses, shoving me against the wall with his pillow and heading straight to bed.

‘You have your room. I left you a good one!’ 

‘No sheets.’ He tosses my blankets and slips in.

There are 3 extra sheets!’ I bark. ‘On the cupboard. Did you check there?’

‘All dirty’. He replies.

‘They were clean yesterday!!’

‘Not today.’

I walk, stomping my feet out of the room to the main room and to the cupboard. 3 sheets. All stained with coffee.

…………………………………….

‘Get out! That’s my bed’. I growl, standing by the bed side, glaring at him, knowing he is doing everything on purpose.

‘No sheets’ he replies again, without even bothering to remove the blanket from his face.

‘Sleep on the sofa then. Not on bed.’ I hiss again.

Where?‘ he asks, in disbelief, peeping through now.

‘Wherever. Not here!’ 

‘Come on. Its too small. I’m not gonna eat you!’

‘You might! I can’t be sure.’

‘Shit.‘            He marches, stomping his feet as well to the sofa, grabbing his pillow, which grips me by surprise. I was expecting a full head on collision this time.. stay or leave,  live or die kind of situation. There was none.

……………………………………………

I toss around side to side in my bed. ‘Why are you staring at me? I can’t sleep.’ 

‘My eyes. My decision’. He replies, his statement provoking again my temper.

I close my eyes. There was no point arguing. I had to sleep. My alarm was set for 5am, which meant i only had half an hour to get some rest. ‘May be i could make it 6am. That would give me one and half hour for sleep. And by then Will would be asleep too’. I make  a mental plan, set my timer to 6am, then grab my pillow to put it to my foot end.

I was about to sleep when i realise, i had forgotten to pull down the heavy curtains. For now, the morning light was peeping through the light ones directly into my face, hurting my eyes. Too tired to get up, i compromise; pull over the blanket covering my head and squeeze my lids close. However, i can’t still sleep.

‘Oh God!!’.  Will’s gawking face, startles me again. ‘Stop staring like that!‘ i snap, clasping close my blanket to my neck.

‘My face is much better than my feet‘.  He replies.

I turn away from him, to the opposite side, pressing my pillow on my face and covering my ear.

‘Why were you out with him?’. That annoying loud voice again.

‘Carem, i want to know.’

‘Shut up!’. I bounce upright from my bed and throw my pillow at him. ‘You are taking this too far. I just want to sleep.’

‘I can’t believe you can even sleep after what you have done to me.. You are always searching for one wrong thing i would do, so you can have your excuse to do whatever you want. Isn’t it?’ He babbles.

I take a long breath. Then without speaking a word, lie back to sleep, leaving my pillow lying on the floor.

‘I don’t know what you want from me. You tell me, i am indecisive and  i am not taking a stand. And you don’t feel secure..But what about me? You are worse.’

‘I am like this because of you.. Because you are never sure.’

I stay still. Locked lips. Silent. Sometimes, silence is the best answer and silence is the best way out.

‘Carem did i just waste my whole year on you? Was it nothing but for fun?’ 

‘Am i something that you can pull and push away whenever you want?’

I stare at him, not breaking my gaze even for a moment. I wanted to have one close look at this person one last time when he spoke like that. But, in my mind there were number of thoughts running relentlessly,  all of them starting with  same opening ‘How dare he…’

I walk to his side of the sofa carrying a shawl in my hand. My intentions were clear.  ‘To strangle him to death..’, at least that’s  what came across my mind at first. But, stopping in front, ‘Will lay out  your hands‘ i ask politely.

He looks at me confused. But does so, without questioning. I tie them together, pulling the cloth across his wrists, over and through the loop  to secure a tight knot.  If he was going to stop me tomorrow i was making sure he didn’t. I had to.

‘What for?‘ he asks.

To let you know, i loved you all i could. From all possible ways i knew how to. But i can’t go on. Tying you down, i will cut myself loose’.

Will looks at his knot. ‘You should have done it earlier while you could. Might have saved us all those dramas.’

‘I should have. I did a lot of mistakes’.

He doesn’t listen to me though. He keeps himself busy with the knot, forcing apart his hands, trying to untie it. ‘Shit’ he frowns, seeing the knot become smaller and tighter, with his attempts.

‘Don’t pull your hands out too much, it will hurt you’.

‘As if it already doesn’t! But again its very less compared to shit you make me go through’. He rasps.

I stay quiet again. It hurts me more, when he gets hurt. He doesn’t get it.

Will’ you might find someone much better, prettier and everything that i am not. I may never be. But you will never find some one who loves you more than i do’.

‘I will!’ he snickers at me with a mean smile. ‘Everyone loves me more than you do. Even a stranger  if i spend a few hours with him. But You, You can’t love anything or anyone. I feel sorry for you!’

‘May be.. But you will know what i mean someday.. When you fall in love, When you miss me, so much that it begins to hurt.. But, i won’t be here that moment..’ 

‘Believe me. I won’t miss you as much as you think.’ He pulls a smug face again.

 

 

”I tear down. I cry. As much as i would like to believe that he would miss me someday, he might never.. He hurts me. Every time i try to get close to him. He hurts me. Every time  I try to understand him. He hurts me.”

”I have to get away, away from him and save my self.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 59)

pinteresttt
Pinterest

I tread along behind Matt to the table from where 8 pairs of eyes were peering eagerly at me. From the way they looked, i could tell that they were anticipating me to fall anytime soon. Fretful, i might indeed, and make a big joke out of myself, I slow my pace down; focusing my energy, channelling all i could into that 1 millimetre square of small surface area my heels were depending upon for supporting my delicate, baby hippo body.

As i walked, I prayed that i wasn’t doing those typical ‘i am so drunk’ waddling walks alcoholics do, with their feet stepping wide base apart, trying not to sway too much on either sides. ‘Please God i don’t want to look like i have boils on my butt cheeks’ i begged. 

The distance between the bar counter and Matt’s table wasn’t that big, just 15 steps at maximum to be exact,  but it was costing me an effort of a life time. A girl suffering from social anxiety disorder; place her in a ramp and ask her to walk on it with 5 hunks as audience.. Yeah, that’s how i felt. But at least this wasn’t the worst case scenario for tonight. The worst case would have been, me showing up here with 5 inches heels, which was the initial plan. 

Yup, that pointy uncomfortable block of plastic, Mia had given me for my 17th birthday! What were her intentions with those? Of course she sugar coated it with sweet words,Hey shortie, you can now match Brandy wearing these..But  i doubt. She could have been skimming a lot of things with it.. like, wanting me to stumble down and break my leg, so that she could have some alone time with Brandon. Or may be hoping that i have a fall on it and fracture my cervical spine, so that i end up being paraplegic!  Like  reaalllllllly what were her intentions?? 

Between that time i took to cover my fifteen steps, i thought over and over about a lot of things..

I don’t quite know why i was getting so angry at Mia for. Had i not been smart enough, to sneak back into the cottage  and change my shoes, thus minimising the possible hazard with extra 2 inches? Had i not been swift enough to run out, before Will had caught up to me?? Oh, i miss that look he had, i only wish i could see that often..that look of dismay on his face.. It brightens my heart. 

‘What???  I still don’t get it, how i could be thinking about all these stuffs when i am so stressed here hanging both for my dear life and my dignity. This is insane.’

‘Let me help you’. Luckily Matt extends his hand before taking his seat, to help cover my last 2-3 steps, saving me from possible humiliation and another flood of paranoid thinking.

‘Aw…’ One of his friends lets out a teasing cry.

‘Come on Guys, Carems a guest. Behave.’ Matt hushes him chortling, his face gleeful like i had first seen him today. ‘Oh, don’t mind me’ i smile, trying to look less awkward, settling next to him and a similar look alike of his.

 

I am feeling like Jack, lost on the world of giants after he climbed up that bean stalk now.  Maybe more like princess Thumbelina, feeling so tiny;  sitting on Matt’s table surrounded by his humongous group of friends.

Matt was the smallest one and trust me when i say ‘smallest’ its only when comparing to others. Because for me, Matt too was ‘big’, not ‘huge’ but ‘big’. As in, if kept in room full of ordinary people Matt would stand out with his athletic build. Or if we talked in animal language, to be clear, Matt would have been a wolf in a room full of dogs. Now, think all others in his circle were bigger.

The ‘Wolf.’   It actually suits Matt, if i am to give him a nickname now.  His dark hair, dark eyes, mouth watering beautiful biceps, sharply bordered neck lines, prominent shoulder blades…. Well, everything about those features talks ‘Wolf’. Doesn’t it? ‘Woof. Woof’ Oh why am i barking? A Wolf doesn’t bark, not the grown up at least.. Wait a minute! Everyone of them here looks like one. Could i have bumped into some mystical non human creatures or half human creatures by luck? How cool is it that i am sipping a pint of ale with them then?

A pint of another drink, to my already booze drunk  body continues to do its wonders. I have never heard people talk about hallucination when they are drunk, but i am pretty sure i was starting to. Even when they laughed, i was beginning to hear them howling.

Its fun to be in company of men, who are all in one.  Humorous, smart and nice. And although, in a group ‘Matt and others’ looked and behaved very similar; tough adrenaline junkie boys  with wanderlust, it was becoming very interesting for me to discover each of their individual traits. Each, had their own distinctly different personality, worlds apart between them.  Like Jason, a very much look alike of Matt, and who also happens to be his first cousin, was an old soul. Mozart’ type of guy. Quiet, pleasant and keeping things to himself. Aaroon on right to him, was more of into punk, with metallic spikes on his right ear, 6 of them in a row and and  one pierced on his chin, just below his lower lip. He was more out spoken than the rest, which  explains him teasing Matt.

Sitting  in front of me was Ros. Still heavier and more built than the rest. He struck me as more authoritative figure with his stance and style of talking. And it didn’t take me long to find out why. He was from a military background family. Nonetheless, he was  equally pleasant and he had this ‘brotherly figure’ for everyone.  A group of this dynamic, must surely have  a strong reef to anchor with him on board.

Still next to Ros was Sean. I was told that, Sean was the comedian in the group. But i couldn’t figure out anything about him on my own. We didn’t talk much except hi, hello and the introduction part, since he dozed to sleep right away after. Happens, he had boozed off more than enough  for the night. First with some new friends in other club and second with us.  ‘‘Wow, some people know how to party unlike someone, who shows up looking  like a stripper, as if a pole wrapped in thousand watts of colourful bulbs and sits here doing nothing but stare like  grandma with dementia!!”. That was what my response was to myself when i heard about him, filled with envy.

At last, of course there is Matt. ”A pleasant mix of everything of those traits, i suppose..”

‘Carem” Aaroon interrupts  me, in the middle of my jargon thinking. ‘How come your guy is not with you?’ he asks.

‘Oh…ummm’ i stammer. What was i suppose to say, why i was drinking alone with bunch of guys i just met, past 3 in the morning??

Noticing me struggle to answer, Matt pitches in for rescue. ‘Lets talk about something else..’

Ah, that’s okay.. Will was working tonight. And i wanted to enjoy my last night here. Check out the pub i mean’ I reply. My answer half truth, half lie.

‘Hmmm, you like the ale, don’t you? Its home made.’

‘Yup’ i smile.

Half hour down, I’m heading home in the cab with Matt. Rest of the group are behind us. At the end, the night had been ‘fruitful’ if not ‘very fun’. I had gotten myself drunk but managed to remain sober some how and earned a delightful companionship of good looking men. What more is there to ask?

Matt is sitting back relaxed with his head laid back on the seat. He looks extremely gorgeous right now.  His neck is extended with a prominent protruding notch on the middle of it, featuring  his beautiful muscle lines, extending from the jaw to his shoulders.  On his sleeveless black Tee with wide cut on arms, it doesn’t take me much effort to trace down from there to his arm, to his hand then to his fingers.    His sun kissed skin is beautiful too and so is,  his hair, border of his nose and his plump lips.  Quietly,  i steal a glimpse of those, reading them individually, now and then, again and again; my eyes hooked strangely on him.

I sigh. A deep sigh, hearing which he immediately springs back to check from his light sleep.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks.

Yup’ I lie. No one is okay, being in a closed space, sitting next to guy like Matt, especially with troubles harassing their  minds. But who would tell him? Not me.

I look away, realising, I am getting attracted to this man by every passing minute. And this wasn’t just my alcohol talking. He really was an attractive guy.

The taxi stops. And as soon as it does, i struggle to get out. I didn’t want another headache, i had enough to go on with in my life right now.

‘Hey’ Matt follows me, worried i might stumble with my heels on, on a pebbled road. I probably was doing my drunk duck walk, judging by the way he was hurrying after me.

I stop for him to catch up with me. Then, taking out my shoes and carrying them on my hands, i thank Matt for his pleasurable company giving him a tight goodbye hug. ‘You guys are amazing! Wish we had more fun time together’ i add.

Matt smiles. And before he could reply, Will’s voice interrupts us. ‘Finally. There you are’. he says.

Immediately withdrawing from Matt’s comforting arms, i turn my head to look at him, reflexively, as though someone had just given me a light electric shock. Will stands at  the door, his eyes staring fixedly at me, holding it half open with one hand and carrying a cellphone on the other. My phone vibrates on the  bag responding to his call. Three times, before he stops it approaching us, his stance upright and his muscles tensed.

My mind is alert now with fear or with guilt i don’t know. He paces steadily, his aura marching before him like a thick mist of shadows, engulfing the weak beam of sun rays surrounding us that had narrowly escaped the night. And even with my mind fully awake, aware of the present, i couldn’t tell  apart whether i was hallucinating this or it was for real, these black silhouette forming around him. He looked peculiar, the black part of his eyes covering more than third of his margins, glazing with anger  and with bitterness, as if the eclipse has been set and the door to the third eye has been swung open. I stare at him without blinking for minutes, the moistness of my eye rubbed dry by the chilling wind. My deepest fear had come to life..

Will wore a black inner vest  and a black trouser. With him, he carried a strange energy, a commotion of  a disquieting sensation.. Walking to us, stopping by,  it felt to me like he was invading our space, displacing our existence from here into loops of his unceasing dark aura. The only thing missing on him now, were a set of pitch black feathered wings and a black metal halo floating over his head.. 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 58)

 

shutterstockkk
shutterstock

I regretted my decision of ‘blasting my night out’ plan, as soon as i stepped in the pub. Ever seen a disco ball hanging down the ceiling of a library? I looked that disoriented to time and place in here. Over hyped and over dressed; for a small country club filled with men, majority of them on their sweat shirts and trekking shoes. Without any doubts, with my open back, V neck plunging down to my almost non existent cleavage on front and see through net just covering my bellybutton, i looked like a hooker to them.

‘So much effort for nothing! What happened to all the party and all the hot people they had in here last time??’ I frown, devastated at my crumbled expectations.

Thank God for the bartender though, who looked cute and kind enough to spare me a smile, i calm myself down.  ‘No problem. There is my company..’ I tell myself, refusing to go back to that sickening feeling of standing next to Will, marching my steps towards the last ray of hope glimmering dimly next to shelves full of bottles. ‘Why is it that, all the good things in the world come with a big price tag? Like all roses come with prickly thorns? Will came with his Fiancee, Brandon came with Mia and now, the bar tender is standing with alcohol!! Not just one but with hundreds on display. Lord help my liver..’ I pray,  pulling out a chair before settling down in front of him.

‘What would you like?’ He asks me cheerfully.

‘Anything you would recommend.‘ I reply looking at him with a flirtatious grin.

Bingo! He grins too. As frisky as i was looking and feeling, i was happy he did.  After all, my devotion for next few hours was entirely going to be on him. Solely and full heartedly. Tonight i was a free spirit, bound to no one’s beck and call. Oh wait! i never was and i never will!” I remind myself, feeling proud at my decision of leaving Will anytime soon, without a penny worth of feeling  harbouring in me.

The bar tender pours me a glass of Gin, ‘a cocktail’ of Gin and lemon drink. I don’t question him any further than the recipe, complimenting on the taste, afraid of appearing too naive. But he  didn’t seem to care about it either and was more  interested in adding to the conversation plate than digging in the details,  for which i was more than grateful to him.

“Gin tastes similar to vodka i think. Although both are colourless, i found Gin has got a distinct touch of a flavour on it. I really can’t tell which but its got one, that makes it stand out between the two. So, I think i like gin more than vodka. I think..”

‘Here is  one on the house for the beautiful lady’ the bartender puts forward another cocktail for me flashing his dazzling smiles on a row.

 ‘I don’t think that will be enough for me to heal up my broken heart Ethan..’ I whine playfully at him, making a disappointed face having heard about his girlfriend and 4 long years of committed relationship. However, casting my dis pleasure aside, i manage to  pull a smile for him and raise my glass on the air wishing him all the luck i could give. ‘Cheers to you and your love life’!! I say, praying in my heart that someday.. someday  i ended up with someone as cool and as loyal as him as well.

I sip my third glass very slowly. From my previous experience, i knew two glasses of vodka was enough to knock me out but ‘Gin’ i didn’t know.

The old pendulum clock on the wall strikes 12 times as i sit there  holding a glass  of my own on the bar. People come and go. I watch Ethan take orders, hand them their pints and print the receipts. Simultaneously  I watch the customers make their orders, take their drinks and pay the bill.

More than 2 hours or so of being a bystander with nothing to do,  but watch Ethan’s monotonous routine, i start to quiver, feeling like old men they cased on movie shows. Those who were depressed, hopeless and had nothing  in life to look forward to, than drown themselves to death on alcohol. Those who were always in lookout for company to crack their dark non humorous jokes that no one understood. 

 Sitting there i start to  wonder about  many things.. About the lives of few people i had seen, who had drank too much and ruined everything they had. I start to question, why hadn’t they set a limit for themselves? And if they did, why they had fallen back to  drinking again?  ‘Could it be that they felt, alcohol helped with their problems? ” I ask  my subconscious self, genuinely trying to plough for answers.

Ever listened to a drunk man speak?

Not for minutes but at least about for an hour? Here is what happens. They talk crap at first, nothing but verbal diarrhoea.  But as they get in more involved with the topic, they start making more sense. They start talking like they have been enlightened. Like if they know all the answers to all the problems in the world except for their own of course.. And 3 glasses cocktail down my stomach, I was feeling  the same.  May be a bit different, in a sense, I knew my options clearer than they did and i knew what i had to do next. “I had  to go back. Take my suitcase right away. Throw his, on the river where he could never find them. And before i leave, hit him with one of my shoes on his face!” 

I take in a sip again, laughing at myself. It seemed like a good idea..

Oddly the burning sensation on my throat that comes with each sip has now passed away. My tongue has become too thick, too anaesthetised to read the flavour.  My glass of cocktail no longer is bitter nor sweet, its tasteless, utterly tasteless like water.

Disgruntled, gulping all the remains, i leave the glass empty in no time, ordering in for  another shot, this time, a neat vodka.

Ethan raises his eye brows. Yet, without complaining he takes in my glass.  ‘Are all drunkards heartbroken Ethan?’ i ask, watching him pour vodka, after reminding me it was my last for the night. ‘He is so cute’ i flutter, feeling cared for hearing him warn me, my comment to self  coming out aloud before i could stop it. ‘Ooooops’ i squeak then, flushing to cherry in seconds. He laughs too, putting back the new bottle to the shelf.

 ‘Open a bottle of alcohol alone and you are officially a drunkard’ My mom’s words, blows a trumpet in my ears as i take in my shot , its sharp burning taste exciting my taste buds again.  ‘Of course i am not a drunkard!!‘ i defend talking out aloud, to my self- imaginative voice of hers.

Past 1 at morning and i still hang out at the bar,  sitting there like an annoying mosquito, half sedated by the repellent spray, buzzing, clueless of my pitiful status.

‘Pick up your phone darling. Surely things aren’t that bad’ Ethan urges me to answer my call, hearing  my cellphone phone vibrate on the bag.

‘Not so important like you..’ I reply smiling at him playfully again. At which Ethan replies with playful gesture too.

Ethan is understanding that way. He knows i’m just looking for a company to drink my night out with. Its like he can see me through more than what i am showing on surface.. So, i like him. Maybe a little too much for our first meeting. But, yes.   He is amazing. And he has a comfortable aura to him, sort of like  Brandon has.

Brandon..’     I submerge back into thinking again at a thought of that name.

‘Carem you’ve got to speak to him. Tell him anything. Lie to him. Fake it to him. Pretend. Whatever. But make him believe that you haven’t left him. He is going nuts here.‘ I recall Mia’s words, what she had said to me when she had called me the night before yesterday.

Panicked, i had then dialled Brandon’s number, but the computer had kept sending me to his voice message system. The day after  in the morning,  i had called him once again.  And finally after 5 days, Brandon and I were reconnected. As soon as he had picked up the call, he had barged me with tens of questions on one breath, to which i had replied very calmly, assuring him that  i will be back by the end of this week.  I had questioned then probing gently about his whereabouts, mentioning him that he should go back and everyone were worried about him.  He had convinced me that he would and  also pinched in all the details of his missing days for my note without me questioning about it .

Apparently, Brandon had stayed a night at his cousins the day before. And the day after that, he had gone to a club, got so drunk with them that he had woken up on the sidewalks of the road.

‘Hey, Carem. Are you alright?’ A nudge on my shoulder shakes me  back from my depressing thoughts to my depressing reality. ‘Oh No..’ i sigh. Choking in thoughts is still a better option for me, no matter who puts it in and in what way, than being strangled in reality.

‘Are you alright?’ the dark haired man, holding a cycle helmet asks me again, approaching closer coming front to front so that i can see his face.

‘Yeah..I am Matt.’ I reply, clearing my throat, trying to sound not-so-drunk.  But who am i kidding? He probably already knows.. i’m a disco ball tonight. Remember?

‘5 pints of ale for each on that table please’ Matt puts in his order to Ethan, pointing at a big table on the corner of the pub. I look too, like Ethan did at the direction he pointed. ‘Hey Carem,‘ remaining of the men from Matt’s table ‘my neighbours’, all raise together their hands on  air. I blush. This was the last place i wanted to meet them especially not in this state.

‘What would you like?‘ Matt asks me, after i was done waving back very shyly.

‘Enough for today for the lady’ Ethan speaks for me, winking his eye. I smile thankfully.

‘You heard him Matt. I had too much for today.’ I reply, blushing off again. ‘This was hopelessly embarrassing. They were my neighbours for god sake!’

Hmm if you say so Carem. But at least join us on our table..’ he insists.

‘May be i should head home now Matt. I have been here too long tonight’ i reply, trying not to sound rude.

‘But we just came. And we are neighbours’  he tries to persuade me again.

‘oh well ok..’ i agree, looking at Ethan. He nods too looking at Matt.

‘Just in case though, whats your number?’ Ethan asks taking out his cellphone from the  drawer.

I almost jump with excitement like a little girl on hearing him. Do you know that feeling of  making a first friend in a new school? One that is both cool and popular. Well i felt that way.   ‘Here! Save your number and give a call in yours’ i reply him, handing him my phone, my anxiety clearly ringing on my voice; staring at his sleek fingers, adoringly type his name and number on my contact list.

Ethan and I were friends starting today..and i assume ‘we will be’ for a very very long time.

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 57)

shutter
shutterstock

A tap on the door wakes me up the next morning. ‘Open the door Cam. At least come out to have breakfast.’ Will calls behind it.

I force a pillow on my face to cover both of my ears.

Today, i wasn’t going to see, hear or talk to this man. It was the least i could do to salvage what little self respect i had for myself, after allowing to be put down shamelessly like a slave yesterday night by him.

3 continuous knocks and he leaves.

Rolling over quickly, hearing his footsteps sound distant,  i grab my cell phone. The first train leaving tomorrow for london was at 10am.  I throw my suitcase on the bed and start putting together all my clothes on it. Then zipping the case, i hide it inside the closet at the corner, making sure it remains  hidden from a direct view.

I contact a  local cab driver then, asking him to pick me up at 6’o clock in the morning tomorrow, to make sure i got to the station before Will woke up and came to check on me.

After that i set my alarm at 5am.  I had to wake up early. I had to leave, as soon as i could, away from this house, away from this place and this man.

A knock on the door stirs me up again. ‘Come on Cam, aren’t you hungry? Open the door.’

I stay still.

Its 1 pm. Of course I’m hungry. But, I had fetched myself enough chips, cookies and water to survive a day inside a room. What did he think? I would starve myself because of him? He could have the whole house to himself, dance around nude, go crazy, hit himself on the wall for all i care.

I open my crisps packet and start  munching on it hungrily. Before i settled down, I had locked down all the windows, pulled down all the heavy curtains and turned on all the lights in the room as well. May be because i had less sleep yesterday night all the brightness in the room was now starting to hurt my eyes, so  i fumble through the drawers to get hold of  my sunglasses too. Then grabbing my pillows and blanket, i sit down on bed flipping the channels on the tv, scouring for any interesting shows.

‘Baby are there?’ Will calls again.

I lower the volume on my TV hearing him. Then, opening another packet of my crisps, i start digging on it.

‘Come on talk to me.’ He pleads.

‘As if i would after what you have done to me. Noway!!’  I flare with anger on my own, crushing the packet of chips on my hand till i could hear them cracking no more.

Silence. I let out a long phew. I needed this peace. Me and my TV all alone.

(Knock, Knock.)

There he goes again.

‘Cam. Cam. Please open the door.’

Suddenly, this makes me laugh. His ‘i care for you’ desperate behaviour, i mean. ‘Does he think i died in here. Oh please…..’ 

I am enjoying this. I’m actually enjoying this. Can you believe it?

The locks on my window glass clatters after a while. ‘Is he trying to peep through the windows now?’ Too bad, i’m one step ahead on this game. ‘Curtains down. Locks secured. All check. Sorry baby.’ I laugh again, my devilish howl.

Back to what i was doing, I ignore him and resume watching my favourite show, ‘Friends’.

4 hours later, i’m bored.  Russ and Rachel getting all lovey dovey together, annoys me. ‘Life isn’t a movie. That’ s never gonna happen! Why can’t they be honest with people?’ I complain; shut the tv down, stomp my foot hard on ground and throw myself to bed. ‘If life did really work out like that i wouldn’t be sitting here like a starved vampire, wearing sun glasses inside my rooms, with curtains down and lights on, on a broad daylight sun. Would i?’ I question.

 

With nothing to do, I toss and torn around my bed, trying to fall asleep. Hoping the next time i wake up, its 5am in the morning. But time, rarely passes by when you want it to move faster..

My small hideout den starts to look narrow now. The air starts to feel heavy, densely packed with my own vapours..

One hour later i’m out of the room. Sneaking out of the cottage on my black dress and black heels.

I am giving him his space, a complete satisfaction of serene environment without me on it. A  taste of his own medicine as bitter as it is, of course.  And i’m taking my space too. Going out, looking for a company on my last night here, hoping whoever it is  makes me feel beautiful again. 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 56)

pinta
Pinterest

 

CAUTION. Only 18+ please. The following post contains explicit scene.

 

I wore a white gown.

Beautiful spotless white with many flowing layers of fabric on it. A part of it was covered in ruffles, dragging on to the floor as i walked in through the hall of the chapel anxiously, nervous, holding my dress careful not to step over and fall down on it. A soft pleasant piano music welcomed my arrival on the door and i gasped, looking at the crowd, that was eagerly waiting for me.  

I walked through the passage very tensed, excited, edgy’ i suppose, looking on my sides for some solace, gazing at individual faces that had come to celebrate my special moment. They smiled. And i returned their gesture with a beam of my own infinite happiness, almost tearing up, with all the  over flowing emotions that i was feeling.

 The pathway was adorned with big’ white, purple large ribbons, giant bouquets of roses and wild flowers on either sides. At the end of it was ‘Will’, the man i was going to take my vows with. ‘Till death do us apart’. If i could, i would have put  ‘Forever, never shall we part’. I wasn’t happy at all with the priests, giving no guarantee for all lives.

However, seeing Will, dressed up on a black suit with a red box on his hand as nervous as i was, i was relieved. I wanted to make a quick dash for him, running along the corridor, throwing my bouquet and my heels away as fast as i could, before he changed his mind. But, knowing, he was my destination, at the finish point of this narrow tortuous  lane, no matter what time it took me,  i had stayed calm. I had carried my bouquet, an assortment of dark red velvety  roses with a bunch of creamy white roses, as gracefully as i could. I was going to be the happiest bride in the world, and ‘He’ had to see that…

‘Look at me!’ Will’s harsh voice wakes me up into reality. All those fantasies, i had dreamt never had any prince on it.  

I stare at him. ‘How could i have come to this? How could i have not foreseen this? ‘ 

He pulls his boxers down. I don’t say anything. I don’t resist any more, i don’t try to run. I’m tired. And I’m tired of myself and everything.

He is hard. Engorged dilated veins.  Stagnant blood flushing on it..

I know, he is just going to fuck me and while doing that, make it as painful as it can be.

He moves in, wets his hard with his saliva and massaging his tip shoves it inside me, pushing his whole body against me. I flinch. He doesn’t care. He watches me as my eyes flood and overflow out of it’s corners.

They say you can judge how much a man really loves you on two places.  Either on your honeymoon bed or  on your deathbed.  I just discovered, mine, just wants sex.. 

 

Next thing i know, he is pacing his speed, increasing his pressure on me, making my insides sting more with pain till it starts to feel numb.

I steer my eyes away again, unable to make an eye contact with him, fixing my eyes at the half open door. ‘There is no pleasure without pain Cam. If you love me, you got to handle both’.  I recall his words. But what part of pleasure am i still seeking here, i don’t know. There is nothing here for me to gain,  but pain, pain and more pain..

The bed creeks to and fro. I can hear his moan getting louder and longer. But ironically what grabs my attention is the clock. Precise sharp metallic sound of the table clock standing  beside me, mocking me, laughing at me hysterically on my pitiful  state. Least  remorseful like Will was.  But, between two of them, i hated it  thousands folds less. So, it’s arrogance wasn’t something that bothered now, not at all.

While i observe it keenly, it moves it’s hand very slowly. The  seconds on it, taking forever to become minutes..

‘Look at me!!’ His hoarse voice breaks my attention. I ignore it.  ‘Look at me!’he shouts againforcing me to shift my gaze.

I’m angry.

So much angry that i want to hit him, kick him and  throw him out of the bed.  ‘Get it over with quickly then!!‘ I clench my teeth and sneer at him.

He doesn’t reply.

He doesn’t even bother to scowl at me anymore. Null, devoid of expression he proceeds, flexing over, putting his arms tightly around me and bringing his face closer to me, an inch away.. his lips almost touching mine and  his breath fuming hot on my face.

We stare at each other, without words. His eyes, i can see them smouldering with rage, unsatisfied, peering studiously, anchored at me.

Heavily, they change their expression now to confused, fearful, sad and tired..really tired.

His body stiffens. His legs throws a jerk. His muscles on hip start to twitch and a gush of liquid squirts with pressure inside me, filling my tunnels.

He slumps, trying to kiss me. I make sure he doesn’t. Ignoring it, he rests his head on my shoulders. His body flaccid over me, his wood soft now  still stuffing my insides.

I push him away. This time he lets me, unplugging my tunnel, dripping the  contents all over the sheet. Lazily, he then moves to the opposite side of the bed, cleans his area with his boxer, throws it away on the floor, grabs the blanket and drifts to sleep still naked. Within minutes i hear him snore.

Me?? I’m still awake. Paralysed. Wondering.. about so many things…I can’t catch my thoughts…. I can’t  explain what i’m going through.  I feel lost…. I feel helpless…

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 55)

pinterestt
pinterest

We didn’t talk much on dinner today. Will’s eyes were settled on reading some magazines the whole the time we sat together. Occasionally, he lifted his head to look at me, but that was just it. No words. He was  treating me like some stranger, he had just picked on a highway.

After i got back to bed having brushed my teeth, i realised he was still awake. I was hoping he’d be asleep because i wanted to avoid his interrogation, which i knew for sure he was waiting to have with me. 

I slip inside the blankets silently, pretending i didn’t notice him stare at me. But then he gave me no choice, ‘You are late’ he commented.

‘Oh you are still up?’ i question, pulling up an innocent front.

‘Well, Goodnight baby’. I give a kiss on his cheek before he could reply, turning to opposite side, to face away from his  probing look.

He doesn’t reply. I feel a chill on back of my neck, from his cold stare.

‘Beep’. My cell phone vibrates with incoming message alert.

‘Not again. Oh God’ I panick mentally, struggling to reach for my phone.

‘I will take that’ Will snatches it from my hand within seconds. And before i can say anything, he reads it.

‘Who is it from?’ i stammer.

‘No one we should be worrying about’ he replies, tucking cellphone away under his pillow.

I look at him and the pillow, under which my cell phone beeps two more times with new messages.

‘Come here’ he says, pinning me to the bed. His both hands against my wrists. ‘You have important things to worry about’. 

Who was it Will?.’ I ask again.

No reply. He keeps his silence, moving towards the foot end of our bed dragging on his knees, appearing aloof, drawing away my blankets  as he does so. I shiver. I am nervous. I know this pattern. I have seen him like this before. This is the side of him, i am scared of.. 

Folding my legs on to my knees, he pushes away my t shirt exposing my belly. ‘Will’ i call, more loud this time. He proceeds, absent-minded, his hand movements controlled, robotic, removing my under wear.

Lifting my hip up then he puts a cushion underneath me, inclining me at an angle. Moving closer, he attempts to part my legs. I resist, vigorously.

He scowls, again, for more than a fifth time, gripping firmly on my hands and pressing my legs. For the first time now, i understand ‘his silent treatment’.  He is angry. He is jealous. It is Brandon who was texting me and whatever he wrote, was not to his liking.

‘Oh God’ i sigh. ‘I don’t want to feel what i felt the  last time..’.

He remains hushed.

He observes my expression intently, tight-lipped while  manipulating me around. Still looking, without breaking his eye contact for seconds, he then puts his fingers to his mouth sucks on them for  a while and advances them to my opening between my legs. He is intimidating me.. he knows it. But he doesn’t mind. He is too full of hatred, lust, anger and of himself..

Up and down, round and round, in and out, his fingers run without a break, inside me, till he thrusts them deeper in me with a sharp force.  ‘Stop it!’ i scream. ‘Open your legs then’ he snaps. ‘Lets just fuck. That’s how i like doing you!’

 

Its paralysing to hear such despicable words from the man you love.. I give away. If its only body that he wants, he can have it. I am not stopping him. 

One moment, I love this man like i could love nothing else in world and  the other moment i hate him, hate him from the very pits of my heart!

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 54)

shutter
shutterstock

Its a shame how we could really love someone with all our heart and never know, never really be sure of how they feel about us. They may mean a whole world to us and what we do, how we talk, how we feel..all of our actions, our hopes, plans and future may entirely revolve around them; but for them, we might mean nothing, nothing at all.

I find it frustrating to depend on just mere words, non verbal cues and assumptions to feel emotionally secure. What i don’t own, may never be mine or perhaps isn’t mine or was never mine. How can i rest in peace with thoughts like that? 

Will is sleeping next to me. Even with his face this close, his warm breath blowing on my face, I feel unsettled. ‘He loves me, He loves me not’. How can one not be selfish to want to hold to him for life, when all i care, want and dream about.. lying right next to him is, ‘Him’. How can i not be greedy, when i can’t reason out  my own self from thinking that no one will keep him happier  and no one will love him more other than me.

‘ I am your person, look at me Will.’

‘Love and don’t expect’. Whoever said it, definitely didn’t know a crap about love. 

Is it possible to love some one and never want to hold them? Is it  love, if you haven’t brought up  enough guts to confess while shaking on your knees ? Can it be love, if you aren’t awake on middle of night, planning and  skimming to make your ‘perfect together’? Do you really believe, you could love someone without any expectations..?

I sigh reading the text message in Will’s cellphone. It read ‘love you and miss you’ from Ressica, his fiancee. And a reply ‘Me too’ from Will, for all the 4 days we have been together.

I don’t know what to do about it. I feel displaced. Like an outcast, intruder in a place where i don’t belong.. If this was a fairy tale, i am sure, i am the evil witch character every one loaths. 

I run my fingers through Will’s face, across his forehead, along the border of his nose to his lips and to the chin.

‘This is the face, i’m in love with..’

He is heart throbbing beautiful. Its frustrating that he can’t see through my eyes how i see him. Its infuriating, that i can’t say the right words to win him over..

He is with me, but he isn’t with me at all.  

…………………….

‘Hey, stop staring at me. I can’t sleep anymore’. Will mumbles, fluttering  his eyelids lazily.

‘Can’t do’.

‘Why?’. He flutters them again heavily at me. I stare in awe.

‘Don’t know. Maybe cause you look so good when you are sleeping’.

‘Try sleeping. Come here’.  I move closer, digging my face flat on his chest.

‘I don’t have milk, do i ?’ he jokes, pecking a kiss on my forehead, noticing me nibble on it.

I know‘ i reply, turning over, pressing my back against him and pulling his arm around me. ‘Can’t help my instincts. You look yummy.’ 

Will chuckles. I love that sound, i have always loved it, i don’t know why.

I close my eyes. Its  5am in the morning. We are late birds, not exactly Will but for the vacation, yes. I’m contagious that way. My lethal dose of laziness strikes everyone.

However in no time, I open my eyes again. My head bends on my sides, feeling tender kisses of my partner’s  lips on my shoulders, receptive to his advancing hands  under my oversized tshirt. His body starts moving slowly against me..and my heart starts pounding, oddly enough in strange places..

…………………………

 

We set out  to explore the wonders of Scottish highlands again, this time, with a group of other holiday backpackers arranged by our tour guide. On our way, we see Matt and  his four friends cycling past through the un hostile road. They swing their hands on air, one by one at us, waving ‘bye-bye’.

We had a good time today. Other travellers in our group, were also young couples. Friendly and enthusiastic. So, in 6 hours of hike we had all grown close enough, to   exchange our phone numbers and email addressees as well.

Will wasn’t at good mood by the time we returned to our cabin. He wasn’t throwing fits or showing his usual tantrums but, he was being peculiarly very silent. He wasn’t replying to me, any of my questions verbally, except nodding ‘yes’ or ‘No’ once in a while.

It made me nervous to see him behave like that. And i am nervous, because i do have  a clue, what might have ticked him off. I was talking too long on my phone today during whole of our trek, avoiding him. Sometimes walking too fast before him, and some times walking too late behind him.

‘I’m tired. Should i just put the beans, sausages and bread for dinner?’ i shout out from the kitchen, once i settle in the chair, exhausted, without taking off my shoes.

‘Anything’ Will replies from the door, startling me, his voice right behind me, his eyes scowling at me.

‘You scared me..’ i stammer, looking at him.

‘I will take  a shower’. He walks off, without caring to calm me down , his eyes still scowling at me from corner of his eyes.

I hate it when he is elusive like that, when i can’t tell what he is thinking… I would give up anything if only i could read his mind for a day and understand, what really goes through that head of his. Anything’