Will You Into My Will (Chapter 69)

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There is that sound again, in a tempo, almost like a  clock work, beating against his chest. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Its compelling. Like a shamanic music resonating against my ears to my mind, calming me down.

And there is that touch again, filled with need to  possess me, own me in a compassion that blinds my cautious soul. Sensitive, my skin traces his hands to the pulp of his pressure points, his fingers digging in my flesh against his palms, as he burrows himself in me  and moans.

‘Carem, Carem’. Rose wakes me up, slapping her chubby hands on my face. ‘Momma. Momma’.  She points curling her stubby fingers and pointing towards the door. I rub my eyes, sitting up. ‘What was i doing, having wet dreams on board day light, on a kitchen garden next to 1yr old kid?.  I am utterly ashamed.

These are the times, I am really angry.  Him entering my mind without control.  At myself for allowing it  to happen and on him, for screwing my life up.

‘She is a little gangster’. Aunt Marish chuckles, handing me a glass of juice and  picking up Rose on her arms. ‘Yeah she is. She probably would have left me with panda eyes if i hadn’t woke up’.

‘Bad girl. Why did you hit Auntie? ‘. She asks, pointing her forefinger on her little daughter, appearing stern. ‘Ah hah’ Rose squeals in pure pleasure, hiding her face away from us, overjoyed at being centre of attention.

Someone coughs. Across the fence. Again. And again distressingly, with more bouts of poor effort  in a row. I stand up to look over.

‘Ah poor Ross’ Aunt Marish sighs. ‘Why don’t you go over and say hello Carem. He will be very glad to see you’.

I stare over pityingly to  the man. In his 60’s,  slumped on a wooden chair, with a thin rubber tube running across his nostrils connected to a small portable oxygen cylinder, Ross’ did not look at all like a man i used to know. He was tall, not athletic built as such but quite a fit man. Always vibrant, full of energy and life. But now, it looked to me as though, life has been sucked out of him and all that has been left behind, is an empty case of emaciating muscles, shallow eyes and hollow bones.

‘Hello Ross’ I prod him gently on his shoulder.

‘What?’ Ross flinches scared , suddenly awake from his sleep. His expression horrified seeing a stranger stand upfront on his house.

‘Its Carem. Marish’s cousin’. I reply, trying to calm him down. ‘Carem. Remember me?’

‘Oh. Oh Carem’. He narrows his brows, looking intently at me, his hand pulled across his face, fingers drawn together on his lips, trying to think. His eyelids twitching now and then, still sedated with lorazepam, a file of which is thrown aside.

His eyes lightens up, when he remembers. ‘Oh Carem’. He exclaims with a  delightful smile.

‘Look at you. You are a woman now.. How long has it been?’

‘3 years’. I reply.

‘That long huh?’.  He makes a sad expression. ‘Ever since i have been like this, i cannot travel you see.  How are your parents?’

Good’.

I raise my voice to a   louder tone,  almost like shouting in  single word answers. He adjusts his hearing aid and nods.

‘Do you still have the budgie at home?’ I ask.

‘Yes.’

‘Aunt Marish says to me, you are allergic to budgies. So its not good for your health’. 

‘We tested it. It does not have any disease’ He answers calmly. ‘Tell Marish not to worry’. 

Of course the budgie does not have any disease. You have the disease because you are allergic to it’. I try to explain.

Ross has Hypersensitivity Pneumonitis. My aunt is a nurse at the district hospital, where these past three months alone he had been admitted twice, with severe worsening of his condition. This was because he was allergic to birds feathers or droppings. They had done some test on him, with avian para proteins that was positive. It has been four years years since the diagnosis now and in that time, Mrs Jones and Ross has had 3 sessions of one hour counselling with three different consultants. But the damn Budgie still prevails!!

‘Its either your husband or the your budgie. Thats what the consultant told her’. Aunt Marish confided to me that morning frowning. ‘She really doesn’t care about Ross’. 

I saw a moment of sadness cloud in his eyes. ‘It talks you see’. 

‘And it calls everyone by name. Its actually very smart. But it calls me stupid’. 

Doctors  think Ross doesn’t understand what is going on. Same does aunt Marish. They don’t think he knows, how dangerous it is to be in this house, with a bird in a vicinity and to be in the same bed with a wife who is constantly exposed to it. But i think, Ross exactly knows the situation. He knows this will cost him his life.

‘Are you okay? ‘ Aunt Marish squeezes my hand when she sees me playing with the remote, switching on channels to channels constantly.

‘Oh i’m sorry’. I apologise. ‘Its just that i can’t help thinking about Ross. He is really very unwell. Is there nothing anyone can do to help?’

‘I know hon. It is  frustrating to know all this. And we have raised safe guarding concerns. But thats the best we can do for now.’

‘Then why is nothing happening?’

‘It takes time. ‘ Aunt Marish tries to calm me down. ‘Beside Ross not doing anything about it, not understanding the main problem isn’t helping’.

‘But he is not on his right mind Aunt Marish. He knows Mrs Jones would rather choose the budgie over him, but he is on denial. He needs mental health team, psychiatrists whatever anyone who can help him to see him’

‘Carem. Carem. Look at me dear.’ ‘Take a long breath.’ ‘Yes. Take a long breath’. 

I inhale. Then exhale a long breath of air, deflating all that i could from my chest in one go.

‘Its his choice’. Aunt Marish continues.  ‘Its his life. Whether he is prepared to be smart or fool about it, in the end we cannot control his decisions’.  

‘Yes he could be on denial. Many times, people are comfortable avoiding truth. Especially in relations like this, where a partner is emotionally abusive. Manipulative. They cannot see their way out. Everything that happens. They are willing to face. What may seem like a obvious easy way out for us, may not be for them. We are not in that box. He needs to come out of it. It will be a struggle. And if he can’t make it….’

‘lets just hope the budgie doesn’t live a year more. That shit is fucking 9 years old!’. 

I gape my mouth open.

Its not often i hear Aunt Marish swear. Especially in front of her 1 and half year old daughter, who is just learning to pick up the words.

‘You did not hear what i said’. She plugs both ears of her daughter and looks at me, smiling halfheartedly.

 

Is it that love is blind? Or is it our ignorance for truth that is blind? What makes us love anyone more than us and what makes us hate them to their death grave? Why do not people have a fair share of what they deserve? Why is the balance so unjustly tilted? Is it really love that is blind or our ignorance? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Will You Into My Will (Chapter 68)

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I cannot bear Brandon ignoring me on the school. Passing on the hallways without meeting my eyes, skipping on lunches just to avoid me and now, even on our favourite  sub when we always pair up together he is sitting 10 desks away from me.

I am on the first bench.

It is impossible for me to get his glimpse, without Mr Smith noticing me turn around my head 180 degree back and  him croaking ‘Carem!!!’ on his peculiar high pitch  voice. Freddy Kreuger was a lesser threat.   Bulging eyes on thin contoured cheeks,  long crooked fingers, add to that his nasty temper; it was everyones nightmare come to life.

We are reading ‘ Theory of Evolution by Natural selection’ today. ‘Charles Darwin’ is peeping on me from my book. Beside him are some picture of strange looking birds. ‘Finches’ Mr Smith says.  ‘Observing these birds, their beak sizes and food habit, Darwin was later able to postulate natural selection  theory. ‘

‘Interesting.’

‘How bored and lonesome must he be to have noticed  the size of a beak on birds like that? And devising his own theory??  The number of hours he must have spent looking at them?’

Thats what i am thinking. Aunt Marish says,  i have unusual  way of perceiving information.  That my thought process is fascinating. I just wonder, if she too thinks i am a deviant. May be that is  what she means, when she says she worries about me.  That one day i will go haywire. I wouldn’t be surprised myself.

‘Pay attention Maxton!’. Mr Smith croaks again on the background. I ignore him.

This funny looking old man, a gardener, with strange fetish for birds and plants.  Weirdo became a genius. Great! End of story! When does this get over.’ I yawn looking at the clock.

‘He stated that it is not the strongest species or the most intelligent species that survives but the one that adapts most’. Mr Smith continues.

‘Adaptation means change in behaviour/ physiology and structure of organism to become more suited to environment’.

‘Example Brandon. Changing his behaviour- acting like i don’t exist,  physiology- went from needy to don’t need you’ on just 2 days and structure- sinking down the chair so that i don’t see him.’  I frown on my own.

‘These traits that help them to survive will be preserved over long run on their species simply because they will breed more. That is natural selection’. 

‘Over many generation  the process of selection then will create a entire new genera of species from original ancestors. Like gibbon, apes and chimps to humans. ‘

I have had enough.

As soon  the school was done, i was packing my bag to leave for Cornwall. In the world with rule of ‘Survival of the fittest’, where people adapt so well like chameleons i had no place.

I felt alone.


 

 

Seeing Aunt Marish after so long brought some joy back to my heart.

Despite our age differences, we were like best friends. We shared everything from  pep talks to serious deep conversations.

‘You are  alike’. Mom always commented when she saw us together. And for some strange reasons it always made me happy to hear that.

‘Come here Rose’. I call my 1 and half year old cousin to my arms.

She doesn’t. It has been a while since i have seen her. She has completely forgotten me.

‘Aww..’ i sigh.

‘She will remember you. Don’t worry..’ Aunt Marish assures me.

That reminds me how much i have missed her. And talking to her. I could have really used a friend. All this time.

‘Rose’ she calls. Little chubby cherub lifts her head, looks at her direction, casts away the tangled  rope she had been trying to figure out and runs. ‘Mama!’ she screams.

I stare in awe, about to break in tears.

Perhaps this is what changed her. After all these years. Perhaps this is where she found happiness. Solace for heart. In Rose.

Its beautiful. The bond between a mother and a child.  To see  her run to her mom with so much affection, with no second thoughts, no questions asked, just with pure delight,  so sure in herself that she  was going to be there to hold her…

When did we stop loving anyone like that? What changed? When did I’ stop loving anyone like that?

 

 

Will You Into My Will (chapter-67)

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‘Hey. What happened?’ I speak,  once i stood next to Brandon.

He looks at me, then away to the ground.  Muddled.

Still lost.

His eyes lids are half pulled down, pupils  contracted, reflecting light dimly with only dusky hue of lime  on the background. His lashes are clumped together  on lower margins and there are  blotchy stains marked against his light skin where he must have rubbed his hand.

‘Brandon’ i call  again.  This time squeezing his arm.

‘Don’t’. Brandon pulls away from me. ‘Don’t’.  He repeats.

I freeze. Did i expect this? Did i not know it coming?

I know’ he says.   ‘I know’.

I stand still.  He picks up his gaze and fixes them pointedly to my eyes. ‘How long were you planning to not tell me?’ 

His tone. It wasn’t loud, he was not shouting. Brandon is loud when he is angry. I have seen  him be angry. A number of times with James. He can shout. But, he wasn’t loud with me.

He was restraining it. His voice was resonating with rage. Tightly sealed on his lips.

I turn away from him. I could not answer this.

‘Turn around’. 

Brandon speaks again. More assertive this time.  Against his clenched teeth.

 

‘Carem, turn around!!’.  He snaps with anger when i don’t respond.

I jump with fright at a safe distance away from him. This wasn’t him. Brandon wasn’t Will.

‘You slutty bitch. Do you now how much it hurts?’.

He breaks in tears now.

Still unsure of how i should be behaving, I stare at him, at odd display of his emotions. I am still on denial that truth had come out.  That Brandon knows. My mind is still processing.

‘How would you know? You are heartless’. 

‘And i thought, things could change…’.

 

He laughs then. On his own. Wipes his eyes roughly with his palms and sits down on the ground.

Extending his legs and stretching his elbows on back for support, he questions, looking up and at me,  ‘Is he that good?’

‘Come on. i am listening Carem. You need to give some answers’.  

I still don’t reply. What am i supposed to say?

‘Carem. Answers’ he insists.

‘I am in love with him’. I reply, in faintest voice i could produce.

‘Love. Did you say love?’. Brandon repeats, in a louder tone.  He chuckles unpleasantly with a half drawn smile at the idea of it, then hisses, ‘Don’t joke with me’.

‘That’s the truth’. I reply.

‘Its not the truth.’ He strongly disagrees.

‘He is twice the age as you. He is married, unfaithful and using you for sex. Don’t tell me your standards are so low that you are in love with a man of that category’. 

‘He is not married’. 

‘Carem!’ He gets up abruptly from  where he was sitting and walks towards me.

‘You had sex with him. It was good. You think its love.’

He affirms it again, pressing his both hands against  both my arms. ‘It was good and you think its love’. 

‘Its not about sex Brandon! I love him! I loved him way before i started seeing you!’ I scream now, pushing his hands away. He had crossed the limits. Nobody tells me, my love is adulterated. Not even him.

‘Have sex with me. And i will show you a good time’. Brandon steps in still, forcefully kissing me.

What are you doing?’. I push him back.

‘He is a wrong man.’ He replies, wiping his lips. ‘I thought you had come back to me this time for real’. 

I am sorry..’ I stammer, realising i had hurt him.

‘Don’t move’. He holds up the arm half way between us on air, straightening the palm  up.

Stop. Carem. No more. ‘

He crouches down on the ground, pulling his head in between elbows, resting on his knees then. ‘James had seen you with that guy. He told me, he didn’t trust you’. 

‘I saw you two kissing. I know, where you disappeared for 12 days’. 

‘You thought i didn’t know… I knew everything even before Mia told me’. 

But i love you..’ he sobs, pulling tight his hair.  ‘I thought you’d be through him. I hoped you’d be. And we could fall in love over again. 

 

 

I slump down.  How foolish is Brandon to be in love with me? A girl like me? A cheat. A liar. How could he let me tag him along? Why would he do that to himself? 

‘I am sorry Brandon.’

My throat lumps with pain as i say that. ‘I know Will is a wrong man. He is unfaithful. Selfish. Mean and fickle. But i can’t help it. I love him. So much. Do You know how that feels?’.  I begin to wail. I was never  getting over this overpowering feeling of control he  had on me.

‘It hurts.’ He replies gazing at me. ‘You are unfaithful, selfish, mean and fickle. But i can’t help it.’

We sit there, two fools, sobbing peering at each other  at an arm distance.

Love was fickle.  At least for us.

The light of his eyes grew dimmer as i watched him. If there was a switch off button to feelings, i could use, i wouldn’t  have thought twice to do that for him. But i cannot. 

All i can do is pray. To pray for Brandon to find love. A true love. If there was any. Even if it meant giving my share. And so much happiness, that his emerald pair of eyes always glowed brighter than these stars that are staring at us now, from a world so far away, where perhaps every one are happy and have their perfect-forever-together. 

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will. (Chapter 64)

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I wish it never ends. But good things come to an end sooner or later. Why does it have to be like this?

Could’t we have met at some other place at some other time in a different setup? We could have been farmers, living at the foot ends of green hills, miles and miles away from here and i would have been happy. I know i would.  I could have washed for him, cooked and cleaned and when he came back at dawn, exhausted after ploughing the field like a good wife would, i would have sat by  him, pressed his shoulders and eased his aching joints. I would have bore him 5-6 children, all beautiful well and healthy, running around the house like cats and dogs  and mice, boiling our temples, disturbing our peace. But, nothing would have mattered because we’d still have been despite all our limitations, a big happy family.

‘Snap out of it Carem!’ The witch hisses inside my bony vault.

Are you even aware of what you are thinking? Farmers?? You can’t even grow a plant in a pot. And that is, even if you were given a healthiest breed of plant, fertiliser along with it and a instruction written on paper of how to specifically take care of it.’

‘And, what about studies? I suppose you thought Will would take care of you all your life and you would never have to work? What if he gets another wife and you have to feed your half a team of football players all by yourself? Are you prepared to do the dishes?’

I  lie on my bed disturbed, all alone, thrown off by my own voice inside my head.

Sometimes i think, there is another person residing in me, trying to take over.. to take control of my actions.  As if i am divided. I am two different people in one body. And every thought i have about Will,  she is against it. She glares me with a warning, shames me with guilt and questions me on my sanity.

 

It has been a week now since we came back. As usual i haven’t heard anything from my so called lover. His existence has once again faded away.  He is a ghost again, with no one to miss him except me.

I thought things would change, i was sure they would, i genuinely hoped so but they haven’t.  Once again, my reality seems obscure.. What happened and what did not, i do not know.

I toss in my bed, throwing the blankets on the floor, closing  my eyes shut. But sleep does not come easy. How many times have i done that? How many times have i told myself that this would change? How many times..

I  see him. Beautiful and bare. I can feel him, his hand on my skin caressing my back, his fingers tips  on my hair and his lips on mine.

Its unbearable.  The distance between us. The words we don’t speak. The time, we don’t spend together. Its shattering. The painful realisation.  The commas on our stories, the infinity chains of our full stops that doesn’t end in one. The uncertainty of our ending, is killing me slowly.

 

 

Don’t be like this Carem!’ Mia barges in, kicking open my door. ‘Enough is enough! How long are you going to stay in sulking?’

‘Go away...’ I cry, hiding my face. ‘I don’t want to do anything’.

Come on! You’ve got to wake up. Its been a week since you have not stepped a foot out. You promised me yesterday you would go bowling with us. And Brandon will be there.’

No. And don’t kick the door.’

‘I thought you locked it again. Sorry. Carem please. You know you owe an apology to Brandon, you vanished without saying anything and you promised  you’d call him when you get back but you didn’t too. And now if you don’t show up he will think its because he did something. He is already tensed about the situation.’

‘Mia? Do you hate me?’ I make a quick flip from my bed, sitting upright and pressing the question, ignoring Brandon talk.

Mia looks confusingly at me. I stare at her right between her eyes. I needed to hear an answer.

No’ she says, knowing there was no get away without  a reply. ‘I know you can be a bitch and a cheat but you are still my best friend. And look at you, you are miserable’

I laugh, flooding the tears down my eyes. Even a stranger would have agreed to her remark. ‘I am miserable. Amn’t i?’ She nods her head.

‘I am sorry Mia, I said you things i shouldn’t have. I’m sorry about Brandon and I am sorry about your phone too’. 

‘Yeah. About that, it seems like they can’t repair it. And I will be better off with new one.’   Mia shows me off her i-phone with smashed screen on the front. ‘ You really took all your anger on it. Didn’t you? Anyways for now it still works fine’. She re-assures me.

‘ I am sorry about your hair too.‘ She apologises.

‘Ah well. Just a patch of baldness on my back. That’s all.’ I laugh, forgiving her instantly.

 

When we reached  the sports centre our guys were already there. ‘Hello ladies!’ Brandon greets us with a wave from far. When we reach closer, he tosses the ball on the floor and comes running to me stretching his arms. Then he hauls himself over, squeezing me on his chest. ‘Cam i missed you!!’ He squeals.

‘Hey Romeo give her some space to breathe at least ‘. I hear James behind him.

‘Yeah can’t breathe..’ I squeak underneath. My cheek placed flat on his chest and face covered with his jacket. Hearing that, Brandon releases me immediately. We all laugh.

‘Didn’t think she was gonna die. Did you?’ James jokes, putting his arm around Mia. ‘You’ve gotta be gentle with ladies’. His usual odd remark.

 

Well, I guess some things are unchanged better. You have a place of comfort that way.  To relax. To heal. To think over your own changing  process to adapt, so when the time comes you are ready.  Inside and out.  

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 63)

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Can this be love?

That despite all the flaws you see in the person and  in your relation, you wouldn’t want to let go of their hold? That despite knowing, the person you want may never really  want you back and in your infinite world of happiness, you would never truly be happy, you still wouldn’t  let go.

How happy am i? Or i ever was? I don’t know. I don’t think i will ever know.

One moment i hate Will. The next moment, i cry. I can’t even tell apart, what part of my feelings are stronger. If even one of them was, my mind would at least have been at ease.

I hold Will’s hands and stare at him.

I could still feel the tracks left by the shawl when it constricted his wrist, the ridges and depressions it left behind; distinct, sharp and overwhelming on senses of my fingers.

‘I will be fine’. He answers, looking at me, without even a tint of worry on his voice or his face.

Clearly this man has no idea what he is into…’  I feel like mocking his stupidity, knocking some senses on him then and there, but this was no time.

What happened? I heard noises’ he asks, when he sees me return with a bucket full of ice.

‘Some of the ice trays broke.’ i reply bluntly.  ‘Put your hands here. It will help your pain and swelling’.

He doesn’t question and digs them  into the cubes.  Next few minutes we sit there  without talking. It was one of those odd times when  silence between us was just too awkward.

‘Are you stupid?’ 

‘Hmmm.. ‘ 

Will raises his brows at my abrupt question.

‘Its been more than 3 minutes Will and you still have your hands buried under the cubes!’

‘You asked me to.’

‘ Smart people are smart enough to know when it starts to hurt!’. My jaws tense as i say that.

 

Ok!’. He removes his hands looking at me and places them at my eye level for my visual confirmation.

I was doing it again, directing all my anger and frustration over and at  him.

Nothing had changed much really except his swelling. I don’t understand what i was so heated up for, the world wasn’t going to crash if i stayed calm for three minutes.

‘Sorry.’ I mumble. ‘If you put your hands longer on ice, it will actually do you more harm. You are supposed to alternate it. Take it out and put it back in. Immerse only 1 minute or so, take out and immerse again later.’

‘Hmm. Yeah. Sure’ he replies awkwardly. Then  back again, we have our silence.

‘Why are you so angry now days?’ Its his turn now to bombard a sudden question.

I crease my forehead. Honestly, it wasn’t unanticipated. But till now, i hadn’t really come up with an answer.

‘I was never like this. Ever since you dropped in on my life, i can’t really tell whats going on with me’.

Will laughs, his beautiful laugh.

He thinks i ‘m trying to woo him away with my flimsy dialogues. He thinks its too sleazy, too cheesy or  too corny for me to mean it.  If only he knew, i am  honest. He changed me in many ways. For better or for worse.

 

……………………………………………………………………

An hour later, our moods are different.

I am lying on bed, half naked down below, with a blindfold on my eyes with the same shawl.

I do know, its all about kinky sex. And has a lot to do with me saying, ‘you are not good enough’yesterday.  But i really have no clue whats on his mind.

How often do you hear, about a monster on bed? About things men want to do, which their partners don’t like, don’t want to do but are forced to.. One moment it is consensual and other moment it turns into a rape. News, medias, internet; people with unhealthy sexual fantasies,  doing demeaning things, hurting people, playing with  lives. All for sex’.

Is it wrong for me to get worried at this point? But then again, what has it got to do with me trusting him? People are what they are. What if Will is one of those people, who is looking  forward to gain pleasure asphyxiating me, drowning me, duct taping or even stuffing me with things? Now that we are ready to push our boundaries.

‘Are you ready?’ I hear excitement on his tone.

Yes..‘  My ‘yes’ comes out as a stammer, rather than a confident response.

He separates my legs, pushing them up against my thighs then. And in no time, his fingers starts stroking my pleasure spots. A long gasp of air, and I had only begun to breathe it in, when he plants his lips on it.

‘I can handle that. We have done it before….’ I breathe out. But his hype of eagerness was making me more restless than i should be.

 

More strokes and i start to moan tightening my abdomen.  All my focus suddenly concentrated now on the nub between my inner lips and his.

‘Oh my God…!!This is insane.’ I explode.

 

Humans. We were designed with a flaw, a natural weakness on our physique aren’t we?

I remove my eye fold to  bend my head over and look at him and, i can’t help smiling. But he is clearly not happy. ‘You are not supposed to do that’ he rants.

‘But i’m done. You should know, you can’t tickle more, if you don’t want to get in.’ I laugh again. The look he has is actually disappointment.

‘That was too fast’. He frowns. Genuine disappointment. Can you believe that?

‘Not my fault.’ I protest.  ‘You aren’t happy when i don’t come in, you aren’t happy when i come in. What do you want? Is it about me saying you aren’t good enough?’

‘Of course not!’ he defends. Seen a kid with wrapper on his hand and openly, courageously lie, looking into your eyes saying that he didn’t eat the chocolate. Adorable, isn’t it?  But you know he is clearly lying.

‘If i’m not good enough, you wouldn’t be moaning ears off these walls. I’m sure Matt has hard time sleeping’. 

I didn’t even ask for explanations. And he is defending. I smile. Guys and ego, i just don’t understand.

‘I didn’t mean it..I was just mad.’ I try to calm him down.

‘Of course you didn’t mean it. You keep begging for it.’ Now that, was getting over my head.

‘No i don’t!’

‘Yes you do!’

It has  become a game for us, this thing, trying to make the other back down.

‘Ok. Yes I do. So, before i wear off my high,  why don’t you get in?’. I open my legs again and taunt him. Last thing i want to do is fight.

‘Then lay back in. And i want the folds back’. He demands.

‘Why?’

‘Cause I want them back. I want you close your eyes and concentrate on where i am rubbing you.’

I can’t concentrate with my eyes open’.

‘Do it!’. 

I put my blindfold back. I am not happy. Something about the folds, they make me really nervous. Or is it the idea, that he might shove something else down my canal, i don’t know.

He inserts it in. I know this feeling. The pulsating beat, the stretching of my rugae. I can hear him gasp softly too on the background. A short gasp, on every thrust he puts. Its sensual, its arousing.

I move along side as he bends, extend as he extends moulding to his hands. The friction gets easier, slippery, short lived and faster.

‘Don’t’ he whispers, clutching my hand, as i move it to my face to remove the shawl.

‘It makes me nervous..’

‘Trust me,’ he locks my hand above my head.

I want to see you’

‘Not now. Babe, just concentrate on yourself. No kisses for now’.

‘What does it mean no kisses? How can i concentrate when i can’t see you and now i don’t get a kiss? Let me out of it’

There is a pause. A pause of seconds, that feels like a millennium in a world without sight.

‘Babe,’ he begins.  ‘Don’t you have a fantasy guy you ever wanted to hook up with?’. 

He is calm and clear with his question. I can see even with my eyes closed, his determination gawking at me, convinced to  take it all through. And i can’t talk him out of it.

‘For this time, just this onceimagine i am him. I can be your Leonardo , Channing Tatum whatever you want me to be. But whoever is it, however it is, imagine it.’

‘I know what you want. Women don’t always come. I may not’. Its pathetic how i am reasoning. But at least i am making my point.

‘You have to..’

‘I already did!’

‘Its not the same thing.’

Men are weird creatures. Its strange how their brain is made to function. Sex and emotions can be two separate and complete different things. And they expect the same for us, to segregate it.. To imagine someone else while i am having sex with him. How is it even possible? We have an emotional bondage. You can’t put a blindfold on my eye and let my insecurities escape. You can’t manipulate my body into deceiving my brain or my heart.

But, what did i know?? Apparently you could. Close your eyes and vanish your problems away.

I came that day, over and over again. Not knowing who was on his mind or even mine.  And it was, the most revelling experience in my life..

 

 

 

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 62)

rudybb deviantart
rudybb. deviant art

A sickening taste of stomach acid, regurgitating up my throat wakes me up. Feeling nauseous, i hurl past Will, who had somehow managed to creep beside me on the bed, to the bathroom, covering my mouth tightly with fingers. Once beside the pan, i kneel down to vomit the contents out. All that i had stuffed down my pipe in past 6-8 hours. Needless to say being a stress eater, it was a lot.

My stomach does one last painful flick to propel the final remains of food, before it rests still, leaving behind the bitter horrendous unpleasant taste of bile, lurking on back of my tongue. Exhausted i push myself to the sink, to rinse my mouth, hoping it would wash away the awful taste.

It doesn’t.

So i pick up my toothbrush and paste, and squat on the cold tiles ready to brush. The warm rays from afternoon August sun, warms my feet, looming in from the half open window. Tempted by the fresh breeze, i walk to it, opening myself to the spectacular view of highlands that now I was getting so accustomed to. But, no matter how many times i looked, the beauty of greenery and hills never seem to cease bringing joy to my heart.

I will miss this’. I sigh, turning my eyes away, to walk back to the sink to gargle my mouth. That’s when i realise, it was afternoon. ‘Afternoon! My alarm was at 6. I had to board my train at 10!’

I jostle back to my room. The numerical on  my screen showed 12.40 pm. There was no alarm.

I had set it for 5am. Then later changed it to 6am. I am sure.

Infuriated now, my fingers trembling with fury i could barely bottle up, i stare at Will; slowly picking up my pillow lying next to him, i relish at the thought ‘This will solve all my problems..’ 

Of course, i could not. I am crazy, but not a murderer.

I call him names then. And muttering all sorts of curse  words  i could think of, i stomp back to the bathroom, picking  a towel on my way.

I didn’t have  a clue, i knew so many. Had my parents known they would’ve grounded me and devised some purification ritual to cleanse me of my filthy mouth. But, i am not even a virgin anymore.

I step in the shower.

As the drizzles hit my skin, vapours leave my body forming a mist. The water was cold. Really, really cold. I felt like a hot iron rod immersed in a bucket full of ice.

Gradually, i was calming down. The shower was bringing my temperature back to the set point and then below, further below, until the droplets felt like sharp ice picks on my skin.

Quickly draping around the towel on my body, i jump off to the bed, stopping only a few seconds to turn the heater on , in between. Once inside the bed, i pull all the blanket to my end rolling myself over it like a wrap. ‘His fault’ i mumble, seeing Will’s blanket lying on the floor next to sofa.

Past 5 minutes, and i still lie clattering my teeth. The water was too cold. The heater was not working and i did not have any guts to get to kitchen to fetch myself something warm.  Unwillingly i wriggle in my bundle, adjust my position again, so that only my eyes and nose were exposed now, to see and to breathe.

Unable to fall back to sleep, I appease my eyes, watching  Will. Looking at his chest and belly, do up and down movement as he respired, inflating and deflating the lungs.

‘He is a beautiful man. No doubt. And i am attracted to him like a moth to flame.’

Guiltily, angrily, compassionately, I don’t know. I was still staring at him for minutes and more minutes, till those, added up to become half an hour.

I snuggle closer to him this time, still shivering. More and more till, my forehead touched his cheek and my nose pressed on his jaw. The principle of conduction is an amazing thing. My face was warm in no time. Like metal grills of a radiator, he was hot.

Lured by the warmth of his crib, i slither my right arm across his chest right away. He shivers at the touch, moves away from me and pulls the blanket over him. While he does so, half asleep, i close my eyes too, pretending not to notice it. Once he softly snores, i put back my arm across his chest back over again, then another arm as well.

Then, I lay my hands still, waiting for them to warm up, like Eskimos on Arctic, spreading their palms  in front of a flame. Only difference was, they were more tolerant to cold than i was.

Seeing no other way out, finally i decide to burn my ego down and dump my body all over him. One arm on my side, one arm across. One leg on my side, one leg across. My trunk over his, my hip flexed at  one joint.

‘You are cold’ Will murmurs, half asleep, waking up by the cold touch again.

‘Yeah’ i mumble, hoping he doesn’t  recall our big fight. Not now, when i could die of hypothermia or whatever that thing  people at north and south pole died of when they were exposed to extreme cold.

————————————————————————

It was a refreshing nap.

I felt as warm and as fuzzy as a new hatch-ling duck when i woke up. But 2 hours past and Will was still asleep. ‘Did he swallow a sleeping pill or something?‘ i start to worry.

Will’s skin between brows were creased and lips were sealed shut. Even on his sleep, he looked very distressed. But then again, it too was part of punishment. If he didn’t realise a mistake, how was he going to learn. I never intended to do it.

However, a softer side of my psyche speaks. ‘What are you doing? You love this man. You never hurt people you love.’

I agreed. Enough was enough. My insanity was indeed rising on its peak.

Will’s  arms were uncomfortably stretched , bend over his elbows with his head resting on one of his forearms and wrists put together behind his neck  to one side.

Had i been too occupied with thought of punishing him, or too driven for teaching him a lesson  or both. At what i saw next, i broke into tears. I could not forgive myself.

His hands were swollen down the strap till the pulps of his fingers. The skin above them were discoloured bluish black. It looked painful. Very painful and cruel.

‘What? What happened?’. Will asks alarmed, waking up to my sobs.

‘Your hands…hands… ‘ I couldn’t even utter a single word after that.

How could i have done this to him? I love him. I couldn’t even believe myself.. 

 

 

———————————————————————————

 

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 60)

rudybb deviantart.png
rudy bb.deviantart

 

‘Hey’ Matt was the first one to break the silence, extending his hand forward to greet Will’s. However, his hand remains still in the air for a long while, midway between them, before Will reaches it to meet with a firm handshake.

‘Hey’ he says as if he saw Matt just now and as if that minute long uncomfortable pause he took to respond him did not occur at all. ‘Thank you for bringing back her home safe’, he adds, clutching further tight Matt’s Hands and pointing his eyes shrewdly on me.

‘No problem’.  Matts face looks both anxious and confused. Facing me, unaware of the complexity of situation between us, he throws me a questioning glance.

I pull over ‘my blank face’.  I wish i knew. Even i didn’t feel like i know anything much about the person i was sharing my roof with.

The eeriness begins to settle back again, with Will still sitting tight lipped between us. Seeing no escape out of this discomfort zone, i decide to sprint in. ‘Matt Thank you so much for everything again. I think we should call it a night’. 

Matt smiles. He definitely got my message through. But strangely, seemingly oblivious to my request, he decides to hangout further . ‘That’s ok. You guys leaving us tomorrow then?’ he asks.

I look  at him baffled. However, Matt completely ignores my inquiring gaze. It didn’t occur to me before this that Matt could be rude too.  But again, what do i know.. I don’t even know Will.

Then,  changing his stance  to side ways so that he is facing Will, up front directly and i’m completely off his view, Matt quizzes again.  ‘Its tomorrow right?’.

I panic alternating my gaze between two men, who were both way above my eye level. The irony is, only thing i could see from this  height was their flaring nostrils, puffing air out forcefully.

‘Why is Matt saying that? He doesn’t even know’.

I curse me, for venting out my secret to him.  To some guy i had just met, who was taking advantage of my situation now.

Will looks at me, his eyes neutral without any expression, with no glint of curiosity nor anger on them.

‘What tomorrow Matt?’ I stammer, avoiding him; praying desperately Matt doesn’t decide to further prolong this chitchat.

He doesn’t. Tracing my forearm all the way to my fingers that were now curving over Will’s waist, he throws us a weak smile.

‘I must have been confused. We talked about a lot of things today’.

‘You must have’. I reply, rather impudently, desperate to end the conversation.

‘Ok Goodnight folks. Carem, you take care.’

‘We will Matt. Thanks’.

I turn around quick, dragging Will with me as i walk.

………………..

 

As soon as our the front door is closed, i push Will away from my arms. ‘Goodnight’ i snap and walk ahead to my room.

‘No you don’t!’ he stops me, holding the knob of my door, pulling it shut. ‘Why were you with him?’ 

‘Nothing you should be concerned about!’. I force open the door anyways, despite him leaning against it and slam it close in front of his face, making sure it was loud enough to shake the pillars; hoping it would pop open his ear drums. That way, i wouldn’t have to tiptoe around the house tomorrow while i walk out.

Then, i latch the door quickly in case he decides to barge in. ‘Stay Out. Don’t Disturb!’. 

‘You wish!’ He mumbles. His voice clearly audible  through the thick ply wood.

‘Whatever.’

……………………..

I was changing my clothes when suddenly a loud knock on my door startles me out of my breath. ‘Fuck off!!’ i scream, still holding my hand to my chest. ‘There is a limit till which a girl can tolerate a man, doesn’t he know?’   

Nope.

He knocks again. More louder, using his fists. Again and again.  Even Matt and his drunk friends next door must be awake now.

What?? Can’t you see, it’s 4 in the morning?‘ I lash at him, jolting open the door. My temper, running all the way down to my toe beds from my scalp skin at the vertex of my skull.

Who cares? I want to sleep’ Will hisses, shoving me against the wall with his pillow and heading straight to bed.

‘You have your room. I left you a good one!’ 

‘No sheets.’ He tosses my blankets and slips in.

There are 3 extra sheets!’ I bark. ‘On the cupboard. Did you check there?’

‘All dirty’. He replies.

‘They were clean yesterday!!’

‘Not today.’

I walk, stomping my feet out of the room to the main room and to the cupboard. 3 sheets. All stained with coffee.

…………………………………….

‘Get out! That’s my bed’. I growl, standing by the bed side, glaring at him, knowing he is doing everything on purpose.

‘No sheets’ he replies again, without even bothering to remove the blanket from his face.

‘Sleep on the sofa then. Not on bed.’ I hiss again.

Where?‘ he asks, in disbelief, peeping through now.

‘Wherever. Not here!’ 

‘Come on. Its too small. I’m not gonna eat you!’

‘You might! I can’t be sure.’

‘Shit.‘            He marches, stomping his feet as well to the sofa, grabbing his pillow, which grips me by surprise. I was expecting a full head on collision this time.. stay or leave,  live or die kind of situation. There was none.

……………………………………………

I toss around side to side in my bed. ‘Why are you staring at me? I can’t sleep.’ 

‘My eyes. My decision’. He replies, his statement provoking again my temper.

I close my eyes. There was no point arguing. I had to sleep. My alarm was set for 5am, which meant i only had half an hour to get some rest. ‘May be i could make it 6am. That would give me one and half hour for sleep. And by then Will would be asleep too’. I make  a mental plan, set my timer to 6am, then grab my pillow to put it to my foot end.

I was about to sleep when i realise, i had forgotten to pull down the heavy curtains. For now, the morning light was peeping through the light ones directly into my face, hurting my eyes. Too tired to get up, i compromise; pull over the blanket covering my head and squeeze my lids close. However, i can’t still sleep.

‘Oh God!!’.  Will’s gawking face, startles me again. ‘Stop staring like that!‘ i snap, clasping close my blanket to my neck.

‘My face is much better than my feet‘.  He replies.

I turn away from him, to the opposite side, pressing my pillow on my face and covering my ear.

‘Why were you out with him?’. That annoying loud voice again.

‘Carem, i want to know.’

‘Shut up!’. I bounce upright from my bed and throw my pillow at him. ‘You are taking this too far. I just want to sleep.’

‘I can’t believe you can even sleep after what you have done to me.. You are always searching for one wrong thing i would do, so you can have your excuse to do whatever you want. Isn’t it?’ He babbles.

I take a long breath. Then without speaking a word, lie back to sleep, leaving my pillow lying on the floor.

‘I don’t know what you want from me. You tell me, i am indecisive and  i am not taking a stand. And you don’t feel secure..But what about me? You are worse.’

‘I am like this because of you.. Because you are never sure.’

I stay still. Locked lips. Silent. Sometimes, silence is the best answer and silence is the best way out.

‘Carem did i just waste my whole year on you? Was it nothing but for fun?’ 

‘Am i something that you can pull and push away whenever you want?’

I stare at him, not breaking my gaze even for a moment. I wanted to have one close look at this person one last time when he spoke like that. But, in my mind there were number of thoughts running relentlessly,  all of them starting with  same opening ‘How dare he…’

I walk to his side of the sofa carrying a shawl in my hand. My intentions were clear.  ‘To strangle him to death..’, at least that’s  what came across my mind at first. But, stopping in front, ‘Will lay out  your hands‘ i ask politely.

He looks at me confused. But does so, without questioning. I tie them together, pulling the cloth across his wrists, over and through the loop  to secure a tight knot.  If he was going to stop me tomorrow i was making sure he didn’t. I had to.

‘What for?‘ he asks.

To let you know, i loved you all i could. From all possible ways i knew how to. But i can’t go on. Tying you down, i will cut myself loose’.

Will looks at his knot. ‘You should have done it earlier while you could. Might have saved us all those dramas.’

‘I should have. I did a lot of mistakes’.

He doesn’t listen to me though. He keeps himself busy with the knot, forcing apart his hands, trying to untie it. ‘Shit’ he frowns, seeing the knot become smaller and tighter, with his attempts.

‘Don’t pull your hands out too much, it will hurt you’.

‘As if it already doesn’t! But again its very less compared to shit you make me go through’. He rasps.

I stay quiet again. It hurts me more, when he gets hurt. He doesn’t get it.

Will’ you might find someone much better, prettier and everything that i am not. I may never be. But you will never find some one who loves you more than i do’.

‘I will!’ he snickers at me with a mean smile. ‘Everyone loves me more than you do. Even a stranger  if i spend a few hours with him. But You, You can’t love anything or anyone. I feel sorry for you!’

‘May be.. But you will know what i mean someday.. When you fall in love, When you miss me, so much that it begins to hurt.. But, i won’t be here that moment..’ 

‘Believe me. I won’t miss you as much as you think.’ He pulls a smug face again.

 

 

”I tear down. I cry. As much as i would like to believe that he would miss me someday, he might never.. He hurts me. Every time i try to get close to him. He hurts me. Every time  I try to understand him. He hurts me.”

”I have to get away, away from him and save my self.”