I wore a white gown.
Beautiful spotless white with many flowing layers of fabric on it. A part of it was covered in ruffles, dragging on to the floor as i walked in through the hall of the chapel anxiously, nervous, holding my dress careful not to step over and fall down on it. A soft pleasant piano music welcomed my arrival on the door and i gasped, looking at the crowd, that was eagerly waiting for me.
I walked through the passage very tensed, excited, edgy’ i suppose, looking on my sides for some solace, gazing at individual faces that had come to celebrate my special moment. They smiled. And i returned their gesture with a beam of my own infinite happiness, almost tearing up, with all the over flowing emotions that i was feeling.
The pathway was adorned with big’ white, purple large ribbons, giant bouquets of roses and wild flowers on either sides. At the end of it was ‘Will’, the man i was going to take my vows with. ‘Till death do us apart’. If i could, i would have put ‘Forever, never shall we part’. I wasn’t happy at all with the priests, giving no guarantee for all lives.
However, seeing Will, dressed up on a black suit with a red box on his hand as nervous as i was, i was relieved. I wanted to make a quick dash for him, running along the corridor, throwing my bouquet and my heels away as fast as i could, before he changed his mind. But, knowing, he was my destination, at the finish point of this narrow tortuous lane, no matter what time it took me, i had stayed calm. I had carried my bouquet, an assortment of dark red velvety roses with a bunch of creamy white roses, as gracefully as i could. I was going to be the happiest bride in the world, and ‘He’ had to see that…
‘Look at me!’ Will’s harsh voice wakes me up into reality. All those fantasies, i had dreamt never had any prince on it.
I stare at him. ‘How could i have come to this? How could i have not foreseen this? ‘
He pulls his boxers down. I don’t say anything. I don’t resist any more, i don’t try to run. I’m tired. And I’m tired of myself and everything.
He is hard. Engorged dilated veins. Stagnant blood flushing on it..
I know, he is just going to fuck me and while doing that, make it as painful as it can be.
He moves in, wets his hard with his saliva and massaging his tip shoves it inside me, pushing his whole body against me. I flinch. He doesn’t care. He watches me as my eyes flood and overflow out of it’s corners.
They say you can judge how much a man really loves you on two places. Either on your honeymoon bed or on your deathbed. I just discovered, mine, just wants sex..
Next thing i know, he is pacing his speed, increasing his pressure on me, making my insides sting more with pain till it starts to feel numb.
I steer my eyes away again, unable to make an eye contact with him, fixing my eyes at the half open door. ‘There is no pleasure without pain Cam. If you love me, you got to handle both’. I recall his words. But what part of pleasure am i still seeking here, i don’t know. There is nothing here for me to gain, but pain, pain and more pain..
The bed creeks to and fro. I can hear his moan getting louder and longer. But ironically what grabs my attention is the clock. Precise sharp metallic sound of the table clock standing beside me, mocking me, laughing at me hysterically on my pitiful state. Least remorseful like Will was. But, between two of them, i hated it thousands folds less. So, it’s arrogance wasn’t something that bothered now, not at all.
While i observe it keenly, it moves it’s hand very slowly. The seconds on it, taking forever to become minutes..
‘Look at me!!’ His hoarse voice breaks my attention. I ignore it. ‘Look at me!’he shouts again, forcing me to shift my gaze.
So much angry that i want to hit him, kick him and throw him out of the bed. ‘Get it over with quickly then!!‘ I clench my teeth and sneer at him.
He doesn’t reply.
He doesn’t even bother to scowl at me anymore. Null, devoid of expression he proceeds, flexing over, putting his arms tightly around me and bringing his face closer to me, an inch away.. his lips almost touching mine and his breath fuming hot on my face.
We stare at each other, without words. His eyes, i can see them smouldering with rage, unsatisfied, peering studiously, anchored at me.
Heavily, they change their expression now to confused, fearful, sad and tired..really tired.
His body stiffens. His legs throws a jerk. His muscles on hip start to twitch and a gush of liquid squirts with pressure inside me, filling my tunnels.
He slumps, trying to kiss me. I make sure he doesn’t. Ignoring it, he rests his head on my shoulders. His body flaccid over me, his wood soft now still stuffing my insides.
I push him away. This time he lets me, unplugging my tunnel, dripping the contents all over the sheet. Lazily, he then moves to the opposite side of the bed, cleans his area with his boxer, throws it away on the floor, grabs the blanket and drifts to sleep still naked. Within minutes i hear him snore.
Me?? I’m still awake. Paralysed. Wondering.. about so many things…I can’t catch my thoughts…. I can’t explain what i’m going through. I feel lost…. I feel helpless…