I wish it never ends. But good things come to an end sooner or later. Why does it have to be like this?
Could’t we have met at some other place at some other time in a different setup? We could have been farmers, living at the foot ends of green hills, miles and miles away from here and i would have been happy. I know i would. I could have washed for him, cooked and cleaned and when he came back at dawn, exhausted after ploughing the field like a good wife would, i would have sat by him, pressed his shoulders and eased his aching joints. I would have bore him 5-6 children, all beautiful well and healthy, running around the house like cats and dogs and mice, boiling our temples, disturbing our peace. But, nothing would have mattered because we’d still have been despite all our limitations, a big happy family.
‘Snap out of it Carem!’ The witch hisses inside my bony vault.
‘Are you even aware of what you are thinking? Farmers?? You can’t even grow a plant in a pot. And that is, even if you were given a healthiest breed of plant, fertiliser along with it and a instruction written on paper of how to specifically take care of it.’
‘And, what about studies? I suppose you thought Will would take care of you all your life and you would never have to work? What if he gets another wife and you have to feed your half a team of football players all by yourself? Are you prepared to do the dishes?’
I lie on my bed disturbed, all alone, thrown off by my own voice inside my head.
Sometimes i think, there is another person residing in me, trying to take over.. to take control of my actions. As if i am divided. I am two different people in one body. And every thought i have about Will, she is against it. She glares me with a warning, shames me with guilt and questions me on my sanity.
It has been a week now since we came back. As usual i haven’t heard anything from my so called lover. His existence has once again faded away. He is a ghost again, with no one to miss him except me.
I thought things would change, i was sure they would, i genuinely hoped so but they haven’t. Once again, my reality seems obscure.. What happened and what did not, i do not know.
I toss in my bed, throwing the blankets on the floor, closing my eyes shut. But sleep does not come easy. How many times have i done that? How many times have i told myself that this would change? How many times..
I see him. Beautiful and bare. I can feel him, his hand on my skin caressing my back, his fingers tips on my hair and his lips on mine.
Its unbearable. The distance between us. The words we don’t speak. The time, we don’t spend together. Its shattering. The painful realisation. The commas on our stories, the infinity chains of our full stops that doesn’t end in one. The uncertainty of our ending, is killing me slowly.
‘Don’t be like this Carem!’ Mia barges in, kicking open my door. ‘Enough is enough! How long are you going to stay in sulking?’
‘Go away...’ I cry, hiding my face. ‘I don’t want to do anything’.
‘Come on! You’ve got to wake up. Its been a week since you have not stepped a foot out. You promised me yesterday you would go bowling with us. And Brandon will be there.’
‘No. And don’t kick the door.’
‘I thought you locked it again. Sorry. Carem please. You know you owe an apology to Brandon, you vanished without saying anything and you promised you’d call him when you get back but you didn’t too. And now if you don’t show up he will think its because he did something. He is already tensed about the situation.’
‘Mia? Do you hate me?’ I make a quick flip from my bed, sitting upright and pressing the question, ignoring Brandon talk.
Mia looks confusingly at me. I stare at her right between her eyes. I needed to hear an answer.
‘No’ she says, knowing there was no get away without a reply. ‘I know you can be a bitch and a cheat but you are still my best friend. And look at you, you are miserable’
I laugh, flooding the tears down my eyes. Even a stranger would have agreed to her remark. ‘I am miserable. Amn’t i?’ She nods her head.
‘I am sorry Mia, I said you things i shouldn’t have. I’m sorry about Brandon and I am sorry about your phone too’.
‘Yeah. About that, it seems like they can’t repair it. And I will be better off with new one.’ Mia shows me off her i-phone with smashed screen on the front. ‘ You really took all your anger on it. Didn’t you? Anyways for now it still works fine’. She re-assures me.
‘ I am sorry about your hair too.‘ She apologises.
‘Ah well. Just a patch of baldness on my back. That’s all.’ I laugh, forgiving her instantly.
When we reached the sports centre our guys were already there. ‘Hello ladies!’ Brandon greets us with a wave from far. When we reach closer, he tosses the ball on the floor and comes running to me stretching his arms. Then he hauls himself over, squeezing me on his chest. ‘Cam i missed you!!’ He squeals.
‘Hey Romeo give her some space to breathe at least ‘. I hear James behind him.
‘Yeah can’t breathe..’ I squeak underneath. My cheek placed flat on his chest and face covered with his jacket. Hearing that, Brandon releases me immediately. We all laugh.
‘Didn’t think she was gonna die. Did you?’ James jokes, putting his arm around Mia. ‘You’ve gotta be gentle with ladies’. His usual odd remark.
Well, I guess some things are unchanged better. You have a place of comfort that way. To relax. To heal. To think over your own changing process to adapt, so when the time comes you are ready. Inside and out.