Will You Into My Will (chapter 17)

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‘Hey, here’ Brandon tosses me  a bottle of my favorite chocolate milkshake in air. ‘Aw, almost missed it. Good Cam!’ he screams, half a mile away from me, giving a thumbs up, gleefully. ‘Thanks’ I smile, looking awkwardly at him and pairs of curious eyes around me.

This is my fourth date with Brandon, if you can call it that. Because personally I prefer referring  it as a ‘hangout’, though Brandon has some obvious issues with my terminologies. He is on the front desk now,  ordering a double cheese burger meal for me and a BigMac for himself, while I sit here, occupying a table for two, like a big mass of blob I was.

I look around at people again, worried if I might encounter pairs of 2-3 eyes taking a peek at me. Why wouldn’t they?  I look too shaggy  for my afternoon brunch look. I have pushed my hair into a rough bun and am wearing a flipflop into a Mc-Donalds! What is wrong with me? I can’t believe I let Brandon talk me into this..

It is strange, how subtly Brandon has made a space for himself in my comfort zone.He has a way with his charms. Be it  grandpas, grown ups or toddlers. There is no one, he wouldn’t be able to impress with his ways.. And I find it  amazing how our interests collide. How he fancies listening to music, talking about arts and at the same time can come up with these ridiculous fun day plans and horrible amateur stories, that he genuinely writes.  ‘Will I ever tell him that his creative skills are horrible?  Maybe I will wait till I read some more  and find out huh?’

 I sit there patiently waiting for my orders, as Brandon makes his way with his drink. Milkshake too! Unbelievable  right? He hates sodas. Couldn’t have asked for  a better  companion who doesn’t raise an eyebrow, when I don’t take a pepsi or a cola can with a smile. Yupie for me.

Just then my cell phone vibrates with incoming message alert. It’s from Will and it reads, ‘Hey Babe. How are you doing? You  free this Friday? Let’s meet’.

 I re-read the message second time, to confirm  that it was from Will and that I was reading it right. And after I did, I break into laughter. I don’t know why I did? Was I angry or was I going insane? Because for two weeks, two damn weeks, I had not talked with him and god knows how hard was it for me to ignore him at all. But here he was, pretending like nothing ever happened. With no apology, no repentance for his action nothing, but pretending like ‘nothing happened’.

‘Everything alright?’ Brandon asks sweetly,with visible furrow lines in his beautiful forehead.  ‘Yes Brandon, I was just thinking how cute you are’ I reply, suppressing my mania, hiding my cell phone back to my bag, away from him. He doesn’t believe it.  He continues to stare at me for a minute, still shocked, perhaps waiting for my second bout of insanity.  After a while,  assured that, i will not have  second fit he throws an innocent look ‘You thought that?’.

And may be it was the way he looked at me or may be it was something else that time. Suddenly a feeling of  guilt overpowered in me. So i held his hand for the first time and repliedYes Brandon, i was thinking that. I have been thinking about you for a while now’.

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Will You Into My Will (chapter 16)

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‘It still feels wrong’ I speak unsure, if Mia is indeed helping me solely out of heart or taking out on me for some old forgotten vendetta.

‘Trust me’ she replies.

‘And even if it was wrong. Sometimes, you have to understand it’s really okay to use people. Knowing Brandon, he will jump in first to volunteer if he knew.’

‘But the main thing is, you have to understand Carem that you don’t just give away your heart like that. You don’t just hook yourself into obsession and plan your future and weave your fantasies.. Take time. Be  a better Judge. And even with that, sometimes heart will break. But it still doesn’t mean, your world will end there. You will live, You will repair, this is life.. I don’t know if I will be with James. I am pretty sure I will meet a lot of different people in my life. And I am okay with it. Because I understand nothing is guaranteed. Do you get me?’

‘Yes’ I nod, replaying  her words again in my head ‘Nothing is guaranteed’. Surprised, to find out, how Mia, who  was as same age as me, was emotionally more matured compared to me. How well she understood herself, her restrictions and knew how to deal with it, unlike me, whose only talent was to head straight for the disasters.

‘Just go with the flow. Let it go where it goes. Don’t control it, don’t lose it. And you will be okay’.

Later that evening, James picks Mia and Brandon picks me.Four of us, go together on a movie date. And I am glad, I agreed to Mia. Because, it was one of the best times I ever had. And meeting Brandon, changed my life in many ways.

…………………………………

I like Brandon. There is an aura about him, that emits a calming presence. A vibe, that gives comfort and a feeling of nearness. And although, how he is to me and how he behaves around me, may not be the real him. My nature, embraces his, like a traveler accepts the solace, the tranquillity of resting under a shade of  a tree in the mid summer heat. There is no fear, no obsession for him in me.  My inner demon rests in peace, knowing that, there is no necessity of control here. What I want is, what I will always get. I will never lose my  balance, the assurance fills in my heart.  

But this never is, with Will. With him, I can see the tides, hit the shore relentlessly. And with every strike it makes,  i watch it take away, a part of the island, submerging it slowly, breaking it down till nothing is left but water and water everywhere. And perhaps it is this fear, that he will leave me in desolation. My desire to own a control  over him has made me an empty vessel, a vessel of obsession. Is this me? I don’t know myself anymore.

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 15)

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‘Cheer up’ Mia says, passing me a mug of vanilla milkshake. ‘We are going out for the movies tonight’.

‘I am not‘ i reply pulling over my blanket, covering my face.

‘Get up already. It’s 3pm!!‘ she pushes. ‘ I have already invited Brandon with us!’

‘Then you go with him!’

‘I am. And so is James. And so will you’.

‘How many times do i have to tell you?Can’t you see i need to be alone right now?’ I yell, throwing my blanket off.

‘I can see, you need a friend. Not that you need to be alone’ Mia replies in-differently to me.

‘Whatever’ i roll my eyes. And pulling my blankets  back furiously, i turn away in the opposite direction, putting a last stop to my early dose of morning nuisance.

‘Don’t be like that Carem’ Mia talks after a long silence. ‘Remember, you asked me to help you out yesterday?’

I open my eyes, my face still digged beneath the  blankets. I do remember saying that to Mia but little did i know, i would be regretting this so soon.

‘You will never miss what you never have. 1 day, 2 day may be a week or two, then it will be like Will never existed. You just need someone to divert your attention away from him for now. And knowing Brandon, he will sweep your heart away in no time. Are you listening?’ she asks.

I dig my face more beneath my blankets upon hearing her question.

‘What is she thinking? How can i just go out with another person like that when it is Will all i care about?Is it even right?’

‘I know you are listening to me..Just give him a chance. At least for my sake…’ Mia adds.

‘Please leave. I am having headache’. I snap, knowing Mia wouldn’t stop unless i made her to.

However, she bargains. ‘I will, once you give me your words.’

‘No’.

‘Carem it’s stupidity  to reject Brandon. All the girls know, Brandon is the guy. He is good looking, talented, smart, funny, athletic and i can go on and on.. But the main thing is..he likes you Cam. He is your person. Not the one, who has no intention of keeping up with you’.

‘That’s not true..he is just not ready..’ i  struggle to find the right words to justify my relation with Will.  When i couldn’t, i jostle with the blanket vigorously, to sit up.

‘May be it is not true but Cam, if you were with Brandon, you’d never have to defend yourself and your relation with him.’ Mia replies. Her tone much lowered, as the words sink away.

‘Ok ok i get it. What do you want from me?’ i ask,now frustrated. Too weak to keep up with her arguments,  all my energy  spent, cramming my head on yesterday’s events.

‘Good. I want you to go out with Brandon. Like not just go out, but go out on proper dates’. she clarifies.

‘Doesn’t it feel wrong to you Mia? That i am using one to forget other?’ i ask, squinting my eyes at her.

‘Honestly? No. First, Will is the wrong guy. Second,It’s Brandon. Third. You won’t regret this. I Promise.’

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 14)

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‘Are you bored?’ Will asks, giving me a tap on my shoulder as he sees me in Starbucks cafe. ‘Not really. I just arrived 15 minutes ago or so.. i knew you’d be late’ i lie,trying my best to hide, the vertical creases between my brows. I sip in to my 5th cup of coffee as he orders one for himself, that now starts to taste bitter like the last dose of acetaminophen i had.

‘I had to be in this urgent meeting, something to do with annual statistics and stuffs. I am sorry’ he apologizes. ‘It’s ok’ i reply, seemingly least bothered.

‘So what is our plan teddy?’he pitches in, rather guarded, noticing the stress on my tone.

‘Good’ i remark inside my head. ‘It was movie but since we are 1 hour late. Nothing for now. You can do whatever you want’. I bark.

‘Don’t be like that Carem.. I am struggling here with my Job. The market is tough. We are having issues with our new product launches and in addition,now, i also have to deal with shitty conflicts between board members and what not. You know how  difficult it is..’he pleads

‘I don’t know’ i give him a blunt reply. ‘You should know how to manage your time well.You have 24 hours in a day, i asked you for 4 hours and you can’t even manage that. It’s one day  in a week. Just one day’.  I shoot.

‘I know.That’s why I am sorry. There is so much going in my life right now. I can’t seem to balance my personal life and working life..’

‘May be then you should throw that engagement ring off. A man like you should know, how important your career is for now’ i yap, staring at his platinum ring that engraved the name ‘Ressica’.

‘Don’t bring her in between us..please’ he begs, again.

‘Why not? You are making me!!She seems like a real catch. Why are you cheating her with me behind her back??’ i roar.

‘I am not cheating her with you. I am in love with you..It’s a different thing now’ he answers.His tone gentle as he trails off.  ‘Beside you always knew what you were in with me…’ he adds.

He is right. I always knew, what i was in with him. May be that’s why i can’t confront him on saying, he was with his fiance this past hour while, i was outside his  apartment, waiting for him to show up. He is darn right. I know well, where i am heading into..

I feel like i am driving in a highway.. at 100mph speed. On a black topped smooth road, under the cover of stars.  Flying free like a bird, floating in the air.. with the wind hitting my face and brushing my hair.. But the thing is, my destination is not the endless horizon nor the open fields neither the vastness of the desert. It’s a wall,a big, massive wall where i am driving to crash..Hoping finally it will bring me to a stop..praying this will jolt me off, of my craziness for Will.

Will You into My Will (Chapter 13)

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I don’t get Mia. So i admit it, i was a little careless, not seeing the taxi coming my way or hearing it ‘honk honk’ like 5-6 times as Mia says. But where is Will’s fault here? Poor Will. He is still on bed, probably dreaming about his next big promotion or marrying me, someday in near future. No idea, that his greatest enemy is lurking very close to him. Right beside his girlfriend!

Annoyed, i stomp into my first class of the day. Why is it that my worst day starts with  Mrs Matthew’s class?

Second period, same old same old boring chemistry.  Hydrogen, Helium, lithium, Berylium, Boron. I am so bored!!Someone suggest Mr Davis to watch Breaking Bad. And may be teach us, how to cook crystal meth. That would be interesting.Why do i even need classes anyways, when everything is on book, if he is only going to read it out.   Almost 12. Uffff…Will send me a reply text please..

My days go by routine, following the sheet of time table the school has provided me, like every other day. Changing between the classes, walking here and there in the corridors around the campus and exchanging formal Hi and Hellos with  familiar faces. The only thing that gets me running in this monotonous life is the lunch break with Mia and Will’s text. Which today is obviously out of my supply.

Mia approaches to me very cautiously at our lunch table and it doesn’t take me long to guess why.  ‘Hi’ a boy from our chemistry class greets me casually, following Mia.   Oh yeah, i forgot. We had a talk this morning about this. He is James ‘Mia’s boyfriend’. And we are including  him on our lunch group starting today, because he feels, that i am a lesbian waiting to find out my sexuality  and sooner or later, i will steal away Mia from him. 

How much time does he need with Mia anyways?? He is with  her round the clock 24/7. The only time i get to be with her in  peace is ‘this lunch break’. He is an uninvited guest. If i am to be honest ‘Unwanted’ too.  They are doing everything together.  Assignments, coo-kings, movies every weekend.. Yet he still complains. Look at me! I have only a fraction of Will’s time  and am i complaining?

‘Hey James’ i flash out my brightest grin. I hate to fake but this is my best friend’s boyfriend.

Talk about the level of copying each other! And how dare she says i am completely influenced by Will or controlled, as she says. Even  her lunch tray has the same thing, in same proportions he has.  Tuna sandwich, scrambled eggs and half a glass of orange juice fortified with Calcium!

‘I didn’t know you were lactose intolerant’ I tease Mia, who gives me an uncomfortable stare and settles down.

‘Hey i might even enjoy this new arrangement of ours’ i gloat happily. After all, finally i have Mia’s weakness exposed, and he is sitting right there in front of me slurping his calcium fortified orange juice.

Will You into My Will (Chapter 12)

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A moan escapes me, as Will’s lips touches my Neck and tracks down to my collar bones . So soft, the flush spreads under the layers of my skin, until it reaches my face. And my cheek blushes to rose.  I  extend my neck back, involuntarily, more in arousal, holding him closer. In response, he stops along his trail and sucks in, gently a portion of my flesh.

 I get paralyzed with my frail blood vessels giving away, into  his pressure. Like being stung with poison, only that my agony is sweeter, so much sweeter than i had imagined.  My respiration becomes shallower and i start to gasp, till i can hear nothing else  but my own breath..

………………………..

‘Did you sleep alright? Mia asks, spreading  butter into her bread, early in the morning. ‘No’ i groan, yawning  at her. ‘My eyes are hurt like they have been stabbed with knife or something’.

‘Nightmare?‘ she questions.

More like a wet wet dream Mia’ i laugh. ‘ I am guilty of imagining all sort of twisted things about Will but this? I am officially a slut now. Even when i sleep, i am all over him. I am pulling him on my bed, in my carpet..

Hush hush, i don’t need to know the details‘ She stops me midway, annoyed. ‘Especially not about him’ 

‘It was crazy, i tell you..’ I throw my wicked grin.

………………………………………

All the while i walk to my  campus. I keep thinking of  the vivid dream i had about Will. It was so real,  i woke up panting  this morning. ‘Miss You’ i text as i move along the crowd of students in the side ways towards the campus gate. ‘Watch out’ Suddenly Mia pushes me, and a taxi rushes by, missing me, by an inch.  ‘F**** you!’ she screams at the driver.

‘What happened?’ i ask, pulling my innocent face. Hoping it works.  ‘This!!’ she grabs  my cellphone away.  ‘He is not good for you!Get that on your head already!’

Will You into My Will (chapter 11)

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(After Will. The Diary)

I wish i had been smarter. I wish i had listened to Mia when she warned me about Will. Now that i look back, i realize how foolish i had been? I was naive. I knew nothing about how mind of people works.. how minds of adult works.  How someone could manipulate you so well into believing all his words and ‘puff’  next minute be nowhere. I still feel like we are playing hide and seek, and he is hiding somewhere. Only that i won’t find him anymore. Because i have given up the chase. I will never chase him, again. Can i even chase him? Mia says they put him down, 4 feet under the grave.But i don’t believe her. I still feel like we are playing hide and seek. But i won’t find him anymore. He left, and he left for good.

…………………………

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Years have passed  since Will went away now and today i burnt all the pages of my diary. ‘I leave nothing with you behind’ his final words, echoes to my ears like it has been imprinted now into my existence. I wish i could escape, but it haunts into my loneliness. I will never understand, how a person next to us, can change us and  who we are without ever intending to influence us. I will never understand, how  docile and malleable can our human minds be, that at one submission of our heart we agree to abide with all kinds of rules.. Never giving a second thought in thinking that what we are doing could be wrong, even though a small voice inside,  warns and pleads us to stop…

Agreeing to Will was to agreeing  in tormenting myself . Faith? Luck? Whatever it was. Everyone wishes, they  weren’t at that end of table. For when they are,  it is a sad part of story no one wants to tell, no one wants to hear. Did Will ever think i will end up being like him? I wonder.  Did he ever manipulate me? I don’t know. All i know is, at this point of my life, i will never be the same again.   Even after he is gone, i still yearn for  his haunting presence.

……………………………………………….

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Today Mia asked me, what had i done with my hair. ‘I chopped it’ i replied.  She  didn’t say another word to me, like every other friend who commented, how disturbed i looked with my pumpkin head. She just hugged me real tight then started to cry. ‘We will forget everything. And begin again’ she said. ‘I already did’ i smiled at her, showing her my tuft of chopped hair neatly placed in the plastic bag. Wiping her tears away, she chuckled holding on to it and threw it in the bin. ‘No one will ever know your story, i promise’ she assured. ‘I know. I want my innocence back Mia’ I replied, my tears giving away as i told her so, watching her discard my every last memories of Will..in front of my own eyes. 

I always felt so alone. It is strange, how it never occurred to me that one could still feel a higher intensity of loneliness than what i used to feel..Is there any end to depth, we can submerge ourselves in??