Will YOu Into My Will (Chapter 22)

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‘Why do you care?’ I hiss at him.  ‘And why are you here Will?’

‘To Talk’. He replies in two words. His voice cold, his eyes still scowling at me with his stare piercing me  into my bones.

‘I’ve got nothing to talk. So you can go away’. I close the door at  him. But within seconds, he halts it and pushes  it open.

‘We need to talk’ he repeats again. And shoves me aside, welcoming himself into our apartment.

‘Fine. Make yourself at home. This is your apartment I suppose’ I fume chasing after him to our main hall.

‘This is the first time, I am a guest at your home.  Do you treat all your guests like that Carem?’ he turns around,  looking at me  annoyed.

 ‘Not the welcomed ones! Especially you!’ I spit with resentment on my words.

‘What did I do to you to hate me so much? I want to know. Honestly tell me’ he asks. His eyes intensely inquisitive  now, softening up and his steps, marching towards  me at an alarming pace. ‘Stop’ I block him, a stride away, with my outstretched hands  resting against his chest.

Fine. Have it your way’ . He quickly turns  around and settles himself on our sofa, showcasing me his tantrum fit.

I take a long breath.

There, for a moment, I had almost  fallen down into my knees.  Had he touched me, I wouldn’t have known what my reaction would have been. I could have given up all my perseverance and fallen back to the same pit from which I had just climbed out. All my struggles would have been wasted for nothing. And it wouldn’t have taken him a second to break me down.

I settle beside him on next sofa, careful to maintain a safe distance between us. And picking up my guts, I face him to talk.

‘Will, this thing between us is not working. I am not happy. So I think it is time for both of us to put an end to this’.

‘What? What are you talking about?’.

‘I mean this. Whatever we have between us. I don’t want this anymore’

‘We are breaking up?’ he asks,  petrified.

‘Yes. And I think you should take all your things back as well’. After i reply to him,  I stand up abrupt, unable to face him, knowing that any seconds longer and I might break  in front of him. Appearing more pathetic  and needy as I was.

I fumble across my things in my room and pull out a silver necklace that I adored so much. It had been my birthday gift from Will and I had been proudly wearing it around my neck for so long. Even when we were in the terms called ‘just friends’. And that was 1 long year. If only I had known the pain my feelings and my obsession was about to bring on me…

‘I don’t want it back’ suddenly, I hear Will’s voice behind me.

‘What the hell are you..’

I couldn’t complete my sentence. Because the next thing I knew, I was flying  in the mid air lying on my bed, my body pressed under Will’s body. And ‘Time’ for me, had frozen there.

‘I know you don’t mean that’ I hear him whisper next to my ear,  breathing against my hair.

‘Get away’.

‘Try pushing me.. You are not trying hard’ he replies. His voice still whispering in my ear and his lips running  behind it, moving down softly below to my neck.

‘Stop’ I jostle  vigorously, disturbed now.  This was the last thing I was allowing Will to do to me..

‘Can’t’ he mumbles and grits his teeth.  ‘What’s wrong with you?’.

He  tightens his hands against mine crossing our fingers, his bones squeezing the back of my palms. Then, forcing his lips against my throat, he pins me  into submission before i could say anything

However, I jostle again, desperately trying to get  off his grip.

‘Ufff..’  He lets out a noise of annoyance. And, tightening in, bringing my arms together against each other, pressing them firmly with his forearm, he pushes down my thighs inwards.  Inside his, to lock in again, into submission.

I am tired. I give up.

I let him kiss me. And once he is done, having enjoyed his pleasure without resistance, I speak. ‘I am dating someone. His name is Brandon’

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Will You Into My Will (Chapter 21)

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(Sorry Guys, this one is rather too long. Hope you will still like it.)

Mia, whats with you and James being in the lock up yesterday night?’ I ask Mia the first thing in the morning, joining her for breakfast.

‘Ooh about that.. We wanted to have some alone time  and thought you guys needed some too. How did it go?’ She  flutters her large round eyes at me, taking a big bite out of her sandwich.

‘What do you mean how did it go?’ I give her a confused look. ‘Was I suppose to do something? And how come I don’t know that you are already sneaking James in our apartment? Brandon seems to know. ’

‘I swear yesterday was the first time, he stayed over!’ Mia replies alarmed, sounding apologetic. ‘I have not lost my virginity yet so I thought there wasn’t anything to say. Honest to God Cam’

‘Then what was he doing till morning in your bedroom?’

‘Experimenting on stuffs..You know.. the bases’

‘I don’t know. What bases? Explain yourself. Do you have any idea how awkward was it for me to be with Brandon yesterday night?’ I lash.

‘I don’t know why are you guys still awkward?Hasn’t it been like a month or more already that you two have been going out? Has Brandon even reached his first base yet? Kiss him already. Poor guy’. She makes a depressed face, next to a sad face she just made on her bread with a ketchup.

‘Not Funny Mia. Some of us prefer to be patient  and wait before we jump. And what the hell is base?’ i snarl at her again.

‘Oh please Cam, it’s been over 6months that I have started dating him. We are just moving along with our pace. May be it’s a little too soon,  but we can handle ourselves. You, on the other hand, weren’t  waiting long enough to throw yourself over Will, the last time I remember..’

 ‘The last you remember was the time, when I was head over heels in love with a man I wanted to be in  FOREVER with’ I hiss.

‘The wrong man!’ she buzzes a reminder.

‘Anyways, let’s not discuss him on our breakfast. I don’t want to be dealing with your mood swings when I come back tired’.

‘Why? Where are you going? And it’s Sunday today. No classes’.

‘Got a family too. Dad called in early morning today, for a small gathering. I  will be back by 10pm though. And you are welcome, by the way, if you were meaning to thank me, for clearing boys out off the apartment so you can have your peaceful  morning time’. She replies.

‘Oh. Thanks. No wonder the apartment is so silent.’

……………….

‘Here, if you have any problem and you can’t reach out for my number, this is my home number call there’ Mia passes me a small cheat, standing  in our hallway, after a while. ‘Anyways, how do I look?

‘Beautiful and sexy ’ I give her a flattering  remark,taking the number and  opening the main door for her.

‘Thank you!’ And oh the bases, let me tell you before I forget. I still got 20 minutes before I get the bus’ she chips in, suddenly with heightened enthusiasm.

‘First base is kissing. French kissing. Workout on both of your tongues.’

‘Second base is all about, letting Brandon touch you, your assets. Here’ She points out on her boobs and spreads her palm beside them, turning side to side like she was displaying them  for an advertising agency.

‘I get it.I get it. No need to do that’ I reply embarrassed, looking around if anybody saw us. ‘We have common hallways for exit. Is she forgetting that?’

‘Third is oral sex. That’s where James and I are experimenting. And it is going great. We both got exhausted and fell asleep yesterday night . I promise on the details later. But yesterday was amazing…’ She squeals.

‘Please do’ I laugh, catching on to her phrase ‘yesterday was amazing’.

‘And fourth is Sex. Got to wait for that one. Once you go in there, there is no turning back. So, James is gonna have to wait. Like really really long time. I already feel sorry for him’ she throws another one of her ‘sorry’ expression face. The one I call puppy face, the type that girls make when they see a cute puppy and go ‘Awwww…’

 ‘Its 10.30 now, leave already..I have to go and catch up with my teen wolf series too’ I push her away from door, laughing, imagining the same look on James face. ‘what a torture!!’

‘ Oh come on. All the explanation I am doing is a waste then? You have the apartment all to yourself today. Invite Brandon and clear out your things. Hopefully he gets a kiss today’

‘No..Leave!! You naughty girl!!’  I close the door at  her face, still unable to hold my laughter.

Mia is one crazy thing i tell you. If you think i am one, then believe me, i am only half insane than her..

And just when I was about to walk back to my room, I hear a knock again.

‘Seriouly..leave me and Brandon alone Mia’ I shout, pulling open the door.

To my dismay, a familiar face stands there looking at me. His eyes scowling at me, with aversion plainly reflecting from his face for the words that I had just uttered.

‘Who is Brandon?’ he asks.

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 20)

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We were watching ‘underworld’ all four of us, when I suddenly realize Mia is missing and so is James . ‘Where are they?’ I ask Brandon, turning my head around. He looks down at me from the sofa and throwing a mischievous smile replies ‘Where do you think?’

‘Shit Mia!’ I curse her in my head and no sooner had I done that, I start to panic hearing  Brandon  shuffle, shifting  down from the sofa  to sit beside me.

‘Here’ he passes me the basket of  popcorn.  ‘You like the movie?’

‘Yes. It’s good. Selene and Michael get together, I think’. I  try to sound as casual as possible.

‘It’s actually more of a tragic ending  for them’ he answers, scratching his head and  looking around the room , his eyes searching for something.

‘Watched this before?’

‘It’s my second time actually ’. He replies. And just when I was about to speak  to him, a hot kissing scene plays between the two main characters and  I stop midway, yapping my mouth open.

‘Thought this would be uncomfortable’ Brandon smiles with awkwardness noticeable in his tone. Then having found a remote control, he dashes in for rescue,  fast forwarding that particular scene.

I don’t know how long did it take then for the movie to finish .Honestly,  I didn’t even get any part of the story  after that fast forward scene. It felt too uncomfortable now, too weird for me to be watching the movie alone with him. To be  sitting with him in front of the TV hall and in the middle of night with our hands ocassionaly  touching  each other, when we  reached  for the  popcorn between us.

Finally, after a long uneasy hour of  dead silence in the room except the movie that was playing, the screen starts showing the casting members. Pheew.. i puff out the air, relieved.  Brandon chuckles looking at me.

 ‘Want to play the videogame now?’ he asks, to ease our  tension.

‘Sure! Don’t know how to play though’.  I reply while pausing to look at Mia’s closed door, wandering  what  she is up to.

After half an hour or so of trying to set up the play station with our tv screen, Brandon  sits down frustrated. ‘I give up. I don’t know whats wrong with it’ he frowns.

 ‘Then leave it. I am pretty sure we can come up with something to spend our time. I will bring you blankets for now. I guess you should be crashing too. James won’t be leaving soon.’

‘Wait’ Brandon holds my hand, as I turn around to head into my room and pulls out the rose he had been meaning to give me all this evening. ‘Wow, it’s beautiful. Thank you Brandon ’ I let out a cry of delight.

‘Welcome’ he replies, hugging me tightly around his arms. Then un restraining me he says the most beautiful words, every girl wants to hear from her man. ‘Carem I really like you. And I want you to know that you can trust me. Give me a chance and I will be the right man for you. I will be honest, faithful and all that you want for me to be. And I promise, I swear to God, I will never ever break your heart’.

‘Men will always be Men’ I remember my mother’s words when I leave Brandon snuggling in our sofa in the living room. But surely even my mother would have kept Brandon in her exception list, had she known him. He has a way about him. A way of security and comfort, when he speaks his words. And I have seen in his eyes that  he had meant it, everything he had just said to me now, he had meant it.  But, one is a fool when one falls in love. And one can never reason out the choices they make, when that happens. ‘Give me sometime’ I had given a fool’s excuse too. At which, his eyes had hesitated  for a  moment, to look straight into my eyes. But he had understood. ‘Take all the time you need’ he said, holding my hand. I nodded, while  I prayed, silently that ‘some time’ is all it takes for me to be with him.   

   

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 19)

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‘Carem do you see a keeper when you see one?’ Mia questions me, looking at the  direction from where  guys were coming from, after their grocery shopping.

‘Yeah  James looks like a keeper’ I reply, scanning his Tesco bags full of chips and drinks for our small evening get together party.

‘He probably is. I meant Brandon’ she implies, signalling me with corner of her eyes.

‘I think so..’ I stammer with hesitation, looking at Brandon struggle  with another handful of plastic bags, heading towards  us.

‘I meant that silly’ Mia signals at me again. ‘Look  closer at his right chest’.

‘Oh’ I let out a surprise cry, when I see a red rose stem stick out, that was strapped  neatly on his front chest, inside his summer jacket.

‘He probably has no idea, the wind is blowing away his outer. And his secret is already busted’ Mia laughs.  ‘Try pretending  like you didn’t see it and act surprised when he gives it to you in the evening okay?’.

‘Yes Mam’ I reply under my breath.

‘Beautiful summer girls!’ James  sparkles with excitement, throwing himself  in Mia’s lap the next moment and  casting away the bag carelessly beside us.

‘Hey careful with that..’ Brandon snickers,unloading his stock  as well and sitting down beside me,  leaving a kiss on my forehead.

‘It’s a beautiful summer. Isn’t it?’ he remarks,  zipping up his summer coat and looking around  in the park. ‘Indeed’ I reply feeling the fresh breeze of wind in my face. ‘Warm out doors, fresh air and greenery. What is there not to love?’

‘Try resting your  head in the soft green grass and gaze at the sky. Watch the clouds float away.. try counting them too if you can. Trust me, you will love it even more’ he suggests, gently patting the ground next to him, looking directly into my eyes.

‘Why not?’ I laugh amazed.

I never took Brandon to be a loner type of guy.  Yes, spiritual may be but not the type who loved being alone, once in a while, gazing at the sky. Undoubtedly, this side of him added a plus point for him in my chart. And the more i was getting to know him, the more fascinated i was feeling, for his character .

I rest my head onto the soft supple grass beside him.

This is how I should be feeling, what I should be appreciating at this time of  my life..’ I remind myself , watching a soft cotton cloud that looked like Santa’s beard pass by. ‘Watch that one’ Brandon points out, lying next to me as well, showing his finger to small fluffy clouds that looked like a disc ‘It’s a plate, isn’t it?circular and stuff’  i comment. ‘Nah it’s a pizza. A chicken pizza to be exact, like that one i had in peri-peri. Thick base, mozarella cheese, mushroom toppings sliced just the way i wanted them and…’ he explains.

‘You are always thinking of food Brandon’ i reply, lazy, now almost dozing off, in summer heat. ‘And you..’ he replies instant, almost inaudible to me .

But I heard that. And i ignored. Or may be i didn’t hear it at all. Because, for the moment, I am just too grateful for the summer warmth and the company of beautiful friends. I just want to  enjoy the simplicity of life and avoid the torment of complex emotions. And breathe. Breath my life,in an out, openly and peacefully..knowing that if i miss out on this, tomorrow will always be there for me. Waiting for me, to get my choices right. And I don’t need to rush and i don’t need to comply. In fact, I don’t need to know anything about, what the day-after will bring to me right away.. I just need  to hold, get a grip onto myself and stay put. Firm on my ground,  till the day, i really feel ready to free myself   from my own cage of emotional strings, that has been long holding me.

Will You Into My Will (chapter 17)

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‘Hey, here’ Brandon tosses me  a bottle of my favorite chocolate milkshake in air. ‘Aw, almost missed it. Good Cam!’ he screams, half a mile away from me, giving a thumbs up, gleefully. ‘Thanks’ I smile, looking awkwardly at him and pairs of curious eyes around me.

This is my fourth date with Brandon, if you can call it that. Because personally I prefer referring  it as a ‘hangout’, though Brandon has some obvious issues with my terminologies. He is on the front desk now,  ordering a double cheese burger meal for me and a BigMac for himself, while I sit here, occupying a table for two, like a big mass of blob I was.

I look around at people again, worried if I might encounter pairs of 2-3 eyes taking a peek at me. Why wouldn’t they?  I look too shaggy  for my afternoon brunch look. I have pushed my hair into a rough bun and am wearing a flipflop into a Mc-Donalds! What is wrong with me? I can’t believe I let Brandon talk me into this..

It is strange, how subtly Brandon has made a space for himself in my comfort zone.He has a way with his charms. Be it  grandpas, grown ups or toddlers. There is no one, he wouldn’t be able to impress with his ways.. And I find it  amazing how our interests collide. How he fancies listening to music, talking about arts and at the same time can come up with these ridiculous fun day plans and horrible amateur stories, that he genuinely writes.  ‘Will I ever tell him that his creative skills are horrible?  Maybe I will wait till I read some more  and find out huh?’

 I sit there patiently waiting for my orders, as Brandon makes his way with his drink. Milkshake too! Unbelievable  right? He hates sodas. Couldn’t have asked for  a better  companion who doesn’t raise an eyebrow, when I don’t take a pepsi or a cola can with a smile. Yupie for me.

Just then my cell phone vibrates with incoming message alert. It’s from Will and it reads, ‘Hey Babe. How are you doing? You  free this Friday? Let’s meet’.

 I re-read the message second time, to confirm  that it was from Will and that I was reading it right. And after I did, I break into laughter. I don’t know why I did? Was I angry or was I going insane? Because for two weeks, two damn weeks, I had not talked with him and god knows how hard was it for me to ignore him at all. But here he was, pretending like nothing ever happened. With no apology, no repentance for his action nothing, but pretending like ‘nothing happened’.

‘Everything alright?’ Brandon asks sweetly,with visible furrow lines in his beautiful forehead.  ‘Yes Brandon, I was just thinking how cute you are’ I reply, suppressing my mania, hiding my cell phone back to my bag, away from him. He doesn’t believe it.  He continues to stare at me for a minute, still shocked, perhaps waiting for my second bout of insanity.  After a while,  assured that, i will not have  second fit he throws an innocent look ‘You thought that?’.

And may be it was the way he looked at me or may be it was something else that time. Suddenly a feeling of  guilt overpowered in me. So i held his hand for the first time and repliedYes Brandon, i was thinking that. I have been thinking about you for a while now’.

Will You Into My Will (chapter 16)

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‘It still feels wrong’ I speak unsure, if Mia is indeed helping me solely out of heart or taking out on me for some old forgotten vendetta.

‘Trust me’ she replies.

‘And even if it was wrong. Sometimes, you have to understand it’s really okay to use people. Knowing Brandon, he will jump in first to volunteer if he knew.’

‘But the main thing is, you have to understand Carem that you don’t just give away your heart like that. You don’t just hook yourself into obsession and plan your future and weave your fantasies.. Take time. Be  a better Judge. And even with that, sometimes heart will break. But it still doesn’t mean, your world will end there. You will live, You will repair, this is life.. I don’t know if I will be with James. I am pretty sure I will meet a lot of different people in my life. And I am okay with it. Because I understand nothing is guaranteed. Do you get me?’

‘Yes’ I nod, replaying  her words again in my head ‘Nothing is guaranteed’. Surprised, to find out, how Mia, who  was as same age as me, was emotionally more matured compared to me. How well she understood herself, her restrictions and knew how to deal with it, unlike me, whose only talent was to head straight for the disasters.

‘Just go with the flow. Let it go where it goes. Don’t control it, don’t lose it. And you will be okay’.

Later that evening, James picks Mia and Brandon picks me.Four of us, go together on a movie date. And I am glad, I agreed to Mia. Because, it was one of the best times I ever had. And meeting Brandon, changed my life in many ways.

…………………………………

I like Brandon. There is an aura about him, that emits a calming presence. A vibe, that gives comfort and a feeling of nearness. And although, how he is to me and how he behaves around me, may not be the real him. My nature, embraces his, like a traveler accepts the solace, the tranquillity of resting under a shade of  a tree in the mid summer heat. There is no fear, no obsession for him in me.  My inner demon rests in peace, knowing that, there is no necessity of control here. What I want is, what I will always get. I will never lose my  balance, the assurance fills in my heart.  

But this never is, with Will. With him, I can see the tides, hit the shore relentlessly. And with every strike it makes,  i watch it take away, a part of the island, submerging it slowly, breaking it down till nothing is left but water and water everywhere. And perhaps it is this fear, that he will leave me in desolation. My desire to own a control  over him has made me an empty vessel, a vessel of obsession. Is this me? I don’t know myself anymore.

Will You Into My Will (Chapter 15)

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‘Cheer up’ Mia says, passing me a mug of vanilla milkshake. ‘We are going out for the movies tonight’.

‘I am not‘ i reply pulling over my blanket, covering my face.

‘Get up already. It’s 3pm!!‘ she pushes. ‘ I have already invited Brandon with us!’

‘Then you go with him!’

‘I am. And so is James. And so will you’.

‘How many times do i have to tell you?Can’t you see i need to be alone right now?’ I yell, throwing my blanket off.

‘I can see, you need a friend. Not that you need to be alone’ Mia replies in-differently to me.

‘Whatever’ i roll my eyes. And pulling my blankets  back furiously, i turn away in the opposite direction, putting a last stop to my early dose of morning nuisance.

‘Don’t be like that Carem’ Mia talks after a long silence. ‘Remember, you asked me to help you out yesterday?’

I open my eyes, my face still digged beneath the  blankets. I do remember saying that to Mia but little did i know, i would be regretting this so soon.

‘You will never miss what you never have. 1 day, 2 day may be a week or two, then it will be like Will never existed. You just need someone to divert your attention away from him for now. And knowing Brandon, he will sweep your heart away in no time. Are you listening?’ she asks.

I dig my face more beneath my blankets upon hearing her question.

‘What is she thinking? How can i just go out with another person like that when it is Will all i care about?Is it even right?’

‘I know you are listening to me..Just give him a chance. At least for my sake…’ Mia adds.

‘Please leave. I am having headache’. I snap, knowing Mia wouldn’t stop unless i made her to.

However, she bargains. ‘I will, once you give me your words.’

‘No’.

‘Carem it’s stupidity  to reject Brandon. All the girls know, Brandon is the guy. He is good looking, talented, smart, funny, athletic and i can go on and on.. But the main thing is..he likes you Cam. He is your person. Not the one, who has no intention of keeping up with you’.

‘That’s not true..he is just not ready..’ i  struggle to find the right words to justify my relation with Will.  When i couldn’t, i jostle with the blanket vigorously, to sit up.

‘May be it is not true but Cam, if you were with Brandon, you’d never have to defend yourself and your relation with him.’ Mia replies. Her tone much lowered, as the words sink away.

‘Ok ok i get it. What do you want from me?’ i ask,now frustrated. Too weak to keep up with her arguments,  all my energy  spent, cramming my head on yesterday’s events.

‘Good. I want you to go out with Brandon. Like not just go out, but go out on proper dates’. she clarifies.

‘Doesn’t it feel wrong to you Mia? That i am using one to forget other?’ i ask, squinting my eyes at her.

‘Honestly? No. First, Will is the wrong guy. Second,It’s Brandon. Third. You won’t regret this. I Promise.’